What ya think ladies? Need a female perspective

[headsh0t]

OK girls, I'd like your advice here.

I'm not normally one to appeal to the opposite sex for advice, much less to ask online, but I'm stumped and I don't want to make an "Emotional" decision.

I'll keep it to straight facts and keep it objective for this part. I'm in a fairly new relationship with a woman who is 3 years older than I am. I'm 24, and she is 27. we were initially a drunken hook up, then casual friends, then somewhat serious... and so on. We've been together for 7 months, and got a place together 3 months ago.

The living situation was her idea. I supported it and let her run with it, and contributed when we were looking, renting, moving etc. We fought a little when we first moved in, typical "Now were together 24/7" situation. Were both military, and she outranks me... Our job gave us alot of heat when it got wind of our alleged relationship.

I'm a divorcee, and have been through my share of F'd up relationships. from the jump, I noticed a few things. She keeps her phone close, and always deleted anything that came in. calls, txts, even things of a harmless nature. This was a huge red flag, but after a few tests I deemed it nothing big. Just her way of organizing things. She also showered IMMEDIATELY after getting home, and after sex. Again, another red flag, but I havent found any strange social activity to warrant any concern. She said its a hygiene thing.

Here's the stuff that I've been picking up on lately.

I've become the "Secret" boyfriend to her co-workers, none of whom she is social friends with. If I call her at work and one of them answers the phone, she will take the call, ask if she can call me back, and I wont get a call back. We got alot of grief from our bosses initially.

Selective with the "I love you" Thing. Im not a clingy person, and this is not a necessity every time we talk. But she initiates it, and I'll respond. Sometime, if I initiate it, she sends me an "ok". or just says bye... not a sticking point, but I notice it.

Shes on nuva ring birth control. Why is there "Vaginal Contraceptive Film" in our bathroom? (I've been keeping count of them, as well as looking out for condoms anywhere in the house, the count is the same, and no rubbers) I asked, and she said she left her ring out for a month. these things were a back up. still sounds fishy.

On that same token, I do my fair share of the housework.. meaning laundry. Any reason her undies are dirtier than usual? How am i supposed to know what that stain is? Girls, you know what I'm talking about here. is there some kind of give away if its another guy?

facebook... is the lack of a relationship status a signal? It definately says "Single". She keeps it permanently logged in on our home computer, and Ive told her it was up. she didnt seem to mind that I could snoop if I wanted. aside from seeing that and closing the window, I havent, but could.

Her interest is a coaster.. she will be all over me (lotsa sex) and calling me, then cold, distant, and just.. chilled out. not uninterested, just seems ok and casual.

Im not one to call someone out unless I have absolute proof of something, and Im not insecure and needy with her. Right now, as far as she knows, were perfectly happy and doing just fine. She dosnt disappear, no strange undies or talk about another guy. We have a joint phone bill, and nothing fishy there either.

My issue is, from everything ive learned about the opposite sex, these are huge signs of infidelity, and barring that, being played. she does things that make me think shes ass-over-elbows in love, and then I notice little stuff like this.

I'm not going to confront her and accuse, or ask. If I'm right, she will deny it and just hide it more. If I'm wrong, then Im an insecure ass who is invading her privacy based on my insecurities. Now, if I have absolute red-handed proof, then absolutely.

so girls, what do you make of this?

Is this normal behavior? is she just keeping her personal life private?

where should i be looking to justify and clarify my suspicions?

There are no strange calls, new guy friends, strange outings, or weird purchases. She is either innocent, or very very good at hiding what I think shes doing. I've combed the house for evidence, and found nothing. No clothes in her car, or dirty dress up stuff that she didnt wear around me.

I want to believe she is not sneaking around, but it just dosnt add up. My gut says she is thinking of or already has messed around. So please, tell me how to catch her, or believe shes innocent. What cosmetics should I look for... etc.

thanks!!!

[MerryH]

I just need to get this out of the way:

I do my fair share of the housework.. meaning laundry. Any reason her undies are dirtier than usual? How am i supposed to know what that stain is? Girls, you know what I'm talking about here. is there some kind of give away if its another guy?

...What. Stop inspecting her panties. Jesus. This is a level of paranoia that is beyond...I don't even know. Just stop it.



Most of your reasons for being suspicious can be explained by her needing to basically keep you a secret at work, which is understandable since she was given a lot of grief when they found out.

So you're not going to confront her or even ask her about it, but you want to catch her and you want people from the internet to tell you how. There is something wrong with this. You should be able to speak to her about it like an adult. For example, "Hey honey-bunny, I've been feeling a little anxious because of some things that I've noticed. These are the things, is there any way you can work with me on these?"

If you can't trust her, then just break up with her. You're already behaving as if she's cheated on you, so why does it matter if she actually has or not? I doubt there's anything she can do to get you to trust her, because you already seem to have your mind made up.

[bcgirl]

Follow your gut...it's almost always right.

I've cheated many times on my ex boyfriend.....he never had a clue. Some things i would do were:
1) delete all messages from my affair (no evidence)
2) save guys phone numbers in my cell under a girls name so he wouldn't suspect. Ex/ Chris would be Christy
3) showered immediately after sex with someone
4) status on FB would be undisclosed or single....didn't have my bf as a friend on FB (he never used FB)
5) have different email accounts that affairs can contact me on

cheaters are very good liars and manipulators. Once you suspect and accuse, they have a really good way of turning things around and making it seem like YOU did something wrong....you'll be the one who ends up apologizing and feeling like you were the asshole....the truth will never come out unless you have 100% proof. Even with 100% proof, a cheater is a snake and probably still can wiggle itself out from the "caught red handed" scenario.

The fact that she has her FB status as "single" is already a huge red flag.

[MerryH]

^^I love it when you come into a thread and tell us all about what a terrible partner you are or have been in the past.

It's like you're saying, "Yeah, I totes cheated on my ex bf and he didn't even know so you're probably right about your girlfriend because we're all whores lol."

[headsh0t]

...What. Stop inspecting her panties. Jesus. This is a level of paranoia that is beyond...I don't even know. Just stop it.

Woa.. let me step back.. Im not doing some kind of white glove inspection.. when you've been tossing the same piece of laundry into the machine for a few months... its a bit noticeable when they are significantly more "Soiled" than normal.

And to continue.. shes at work tonight.. same old song and dance with the phone call. My bud came over and his phone was sitting on our night stand.. his girl calls, were not paying attention, and it vibrates its way off.. onto the floor.. He NO JOKE stood up with his phone and a condom. I guess thats the proof I wanted? So, Im gonna let it sit, exactly where he found it. If it disappears.. well... cheese on a mouse trap, right?

And regarding the seperate emails and mislabeled cell phone contacts, Yes, she has both. I noticed the mislabeled contacts when I called her phone to help her find it, and my number was listed as a name that wasn't mine, and I couldnt figure out why she would have a missed call from her 93 year old grandma at 4am.

All this aside, I wont confront her til i have rock solid proof. thats not fair to her.. I have to assume shes innocent until obviously guilty.. Yea, we havent used condoms in 6+ months, and we've had single friends house sit.

I feel like a creeper even being as suspicious as I am, but my buds all tell me that shes doing exactly what I think. I just figured I'd ask some women. Thanks!!

[MerryH]

Woa.. let me step back.. Im not doing some kind of white glove inspection.. when you've been tossing the same piece of laundry into the machine for a few months... its a bit noticeable when they are significantly more "Soiled" than normal.

"Soiled" how, then? Like, are there cumstains on them?

[stuckies]

have you asked about the mis-naming?

[valmont]

dude...throwing everything else aside...you shouldn't have to feel this way and if that's the way she makes you feel than **** her.