Break up over a hypothetical situation

[owleyes]

I had finally found a man who I could actually relate to. We had such a beautiful relationship, very honest, caring, understanding and great sex. Then he decides he wants to break up with me because he's worried that I haven't been travelling and done all the things a 22 year old show be doing and that if our relationship was to go further, I would realise that I missed out on all these important life experiences and leave him.

He's 9 years older than me, runs a business and has travelled a fair bit before. Now he's thinking he likes the idea of settling down and he's considering a family. This all sounds perfectly normal for a man his age, and it is. The problem is, I too feel like I'm ready for this. I like the idea of settling down, I've always been very maternal and (with the right man) I do want kids in the next couple of years. I have always been too mature for my own good, the things that I "should" be doing now, like partying and drinking during the week, I did when I was much younger. So now, even though I'm in my early 20's, I'm so ready for a long term relationship, a house and a family.

We both want the same thing! Our relationship was good. I can see where he's coming from and I understand why he's scared of that, but I wouldn't do that. If I really had the urge to go travelling I would go for a month and come straight back to him. I wouldn't just take off indefinitely. That's what he did, and he can't seem to understand why I wouldn't too. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! We broke up 2 weeks ago and I haven't contacted him at all; I'm too hurt. I'm in my last year of studying but I can't find the motivation to do any work. I'm such a mess, I just want him back. No one did anything wrong, if anything, we're perfect for each other, WE WANT THE SAME THINGS IN LIFE!

Please tell me what to do. I hate not being with him...

[Ann S]

"he decides he wants to break up with me because he's worried that I haven't been travelling and done all the things a 22 year old show be doing and that if our relationship was to go further, I would realise that I missed out..." This is a ridiculous reason to break up with someone. Why didn't HE take you traveling?
"I can see where he's coming from and I understand why he's scared of that," I can't see where he's coming from. He's being a jerk and using a lame excuse to break up with you. If a guy dumps a woman because she isn't well traveled, then you do NOT want the same things in life and your are NOT perfect for each other.
I hope you find a guy who deserves you. Ann

[basilandthyme]

Owleyes, he's looking into the future and is seeing the likely possibility of a partner who decides that she hasn't had enough time being young and leaves the relationship to find herself and do all the things she's missed out on. Whether or not you will do this in the future is unknown at this point....but I've seen it happen, so his thought train is not unreasonable.

And for what it's worth, I was married at 20 and divorced at 24. Guess what I did when I got divorced - caught up on all the travelling and partying that I missed out on.

[owleyes]

I know that what he is saying could very well be true. I just hate that it has to be this way. I kind of wish he'd done something horrible so I could be angry at him. But instead I know he still loves me but doesn't want to hold me back. It's just completely unfair. I wish there was a way I could talk him into understanding where I'm coming from. He goes out more than I do. When we were together I started partying more than I usually did to spend time with him. I enjoyed it but I don't have a burning desire to drink every night of the week!

I don't know... I just want him back...

[Daven Tenorio]

I know that what he is saying could very well be true. I just hate that it has to be this way. I kind of wish he'd done something horrible so I could be angry at him. But instead I know he still loves me but doesn't want to hold me back. It's just completely unfair. I wish there was a way I could talk him into understanding where I'm coming from. He goes out more than I do. When we were together I started partying more than I usually did to spend time with him. I enjoyed it but I don't have a burning desire to drink every night of the week!

I don't know... I just want him back...

TRUTH...?

He is looking for a reason to move on from this relationship... and has found one. Its genius because there you cannot argue about how HE FEELS.

Sometimes things may be going "perfectly" in the relationship for the female, yet the man is lacking something. Something that if even explained verbally wont make sense to you.

Men and women are quite selfish. Its human nature to look after ourselves before anyone else. Its really hard to believe that he loves you SO MUCH, that he is willing to sacrifice is own well being and enjoyment for something he THINKS you want, though you have told him otherwise. I guess he knows you better than you know yourself. Even if that were true, love isnt rational. Love wont find the first opportunity to move on when faced with a dilemna.

you hold on to love. even when it DOESNT make sense. Even when you can see the crash ahead, you brace for impact, but you DONT BAIL. not because you dont want to, but because your soul wont allow you to.

You deserve better. and though age is really irrevelant, 9 yrs older from 22 is not that big of a difference. its the lifesytle one leads that determines where you are going and what your wants are.

Its easier for you to hold on to the idea that hes looking at your better interest in the long run, but reality is hes looking at his better interest NOW.

[lalalita]

I agree that he's looking for a reason out of the relationship, and chose that as his platform. I mean think about it, if you love someone and want them as your wife and the mother of your childre, you will do anything to keep them. If he really was concerned that you haven't "lived enough", I could see him just sitting down and needing reassurence from you that this is what you want with your future, and then the two of you moving foward in your relationship.

It sounds like an excuse to try to keep you from hurting. If it's "logical", he's not the bad guy for leaving.

I was engaged to a man who broke off the relationship (and devesated me) because "he felt he needed to be a better provider for me" and "wasn't the best person he could be for me" and wanted to "work on himself for me" while we "took a break". Needless to say, two weeks later I find him getting shit faced with friends, partying, and trying to sleep with as many women as he could.

If it makes no sense, it's probably not true.