Another 'taking a break' situation

[Quan]

My girlfriend and I were best friends in high school. We met our Junior year and became good friends. We were always with other people so we never ended up getting together until 3 years later after we had been out of highschool for 2 yrs or so. When we started hanging out and getting close again she had just been through a rough relationship about 2 months before. She was supposed to have her 'alone time' and figure everything out, but she didnt want to lose the chance of getting with me... so we hooked up.

Nov 5th was our one year anniversary, we had been living together for about 6 months and it was great. A month before our 1 year, we picked out her engagement ring, and my wedding band. Everything seemed great. At certain times in our relationship we talked about her not getting her 'alone time' but it never seemed and issue. We planned on getting married next spring or fall once i got her ring. The week before thanksgiving she started talking about hanging out with these 2 guys from work. This is completely fine with me because i trust her. Thanksgiving night she leaves to go see one of these guys after our family events because he had to spend thanksgiving at home... or thats what she said at least.

She ended up at his house until 4 in the morning "watching movies". She knew i was upset and apologized, etc. The next night... guess what happens? Doesnt come home to me until 6:15AM. Said she fell asleep watching a movie and he didnt wake her up for a few hours. The next day she tells me we need to take a break so she can have her 'alone time'. So that night she goes out AGAIN with the guy and i just got fed up and left. I started staying with my best friend. I still see her every other day but it feels like its weeks inbetween us seeing each other. The other day we kissed and made out a little bit which was great, but i know it may be the last time i ever kiss her.

She really does seem to just be making sure everything she wants in life is going to be fulfilled. And she also said she needs to make sure that a few differences we have aren't going to ruin our marriage. She still keeps our photos up a the apartment, she still keeps the little love notes on the fridge we always wrote, but she is seeing this same guy almost every night. Now i don't know what to think... on one hand i know something is brewing, but i also know she is keeping herself busy so she doesnt think about me as much.

Today i came over for a bit and she took a shower. While she was taking a shower i checked her phone text messages because i had seen that she was text messaging him a lot. I saw some messages from her saying how nice his eyes were, and that she wished she could stay the night with him. She also said "i will need a lot of holding tonight, think you can handle that?".

Reading that stuff really tore my heart out. I know we are "broken up" but i feel like she just moved on so quickly. He may just be a rebound, or she may just be dating other people to make sure it is me that she really wants. But i am expecting the worst.

I know i wrote a whole lot, but i needed to vent somewhere. If anyone has any opinions they would be greatly appreciated. And any advice would be great as well. I am having a really, really tough time dealing with being away from her, its the hardest thing i have ever gone through. This breakup IS NOT a good thing in the slightest... I wish it didn't happen, but i know in my heart that i need to be with her for the rest of my life. I don't know how to make her remember me.... I am afraid i will push her away if i get her flowers all the time and stuff... please someone tell me something!!

-the sad guy.

[Zinthar]

I'm so sorry to hear the dilemma that you're in. It's a tough call to determine what to do in a situation like that. Maybe a carefully hand-written note on the edge of her bed would help -- let her know how you feel about her and how you hope to grow your relationship with her. I don't have any experience in this exact type of situation. But if your genuine love for her and acts of generosity does not move her in any way then she's not the one for you and you deserve better. And in the meanwhile, while it'll still be very hard to do so, when you do see her -- make it seem like you're very happy and confident without her as well (make sure that she knows that you're happy to see her and love her, but that you dont absolutely NEED her). Then after that, maybe you can make a stronger push for her, with flowers and a nice dinner or something like that. And when you're not around her, try to keep busy and go out with friends a lot, it really makes a big difference.

[FIFA04]

sorry to hear your situation. I was in a similar situation. Some girls just like the thrill of a new relationship. They like that whole "honeymoon" phase and only live for that feeling! Maybe she needed something that was lacking between you two and found it in another guy. She may still care for you but I would say cut this girl loose. Go out and at least pretend that you are having a good time without her. Dont pine over her. You should keep yourself as busy as she is keeping herself. Maybe she will turn around after the "rebound" and ask for you back. Thats when you can tell her to kiss off! Just kidding. But i think that would be the way to go. My 2 cents.

[Nice Lover Boy]

Bro, I totally feel the pain and the anger your going through. I have a question for you, do you know this guy where you can talk to him? Also, I agree with Zinthar, write her a love note, but put it in the fridge like the rest of them and try to make her remember an unforgetable memorie you two made when you both fell in love, not by words but by acts. But if you see yourself trying to much to make her remember you, it's best to let her know that you decided to leave the place(home) because it's not a home without her and things aren't where they use to be. Then go live with your best friend and hang with them and persue a better life so by the time if she ever decides to come back, your life is back where YOU wanted it to be at without her. Sometimes life forces you to make strong and difficult decisions, but only you can make the proper change. Those text messages seem obvious to "what is going on", I know, I was involved in a affair with a married lady and I know feel the regret of receiving those touchy messages from her. Sorry man, life is just not fair.

[Clifton]

she cheated on you, move on, shes a slut.

[schueys_girl]

hey dude, womans perspective here. To me, alone time, is very important. Although it must be stressed i do not go round other guys houses! I just have a nice relaxing bath, put some music on I like, have a facial, do my nails and hair etc. All these things i have tried doing with my bf there, but it just isnt the same for both of us. After advice from others on this forum i am also starting to go out more with my friends.

Despite this need for alone time however i feel how she has been spending it isnt very fair on you. I feel for you because this is a horrible situation for you to be in and you must be hurting. I have to say i kinda did this same sorta thing to my very first boyfriend. We were in high school together and started going out in the last 2 years of school (from around the ages of 16 to around 19-19) we were together for 2 years and spent all that time together without any sort of alone time for both of us.

Then all of a sudden i made these 2 new guy friends in our last year at school. I got on really well with both of them and i started going round thier houses. One was purely platonic, we were just great friends, the other however i started staying round his house and we ended up kissing and i obviously cheated on my boyfriend.

I think i used this way as a 'get-out' clause. I still cared about my boyfriend very much but felt suffocated by never having any alone time, i never knew how to tell him this because we had gone without it for so long, so i carried on this way. I think the excitment had gone.

I dont know if this is true for your gf but it just seems a very similar situation. Ive learned from this now tho and know that every person needs some alone time, to go out with friends or just chill on thier own and its important to give your partner some space.

Sorry for the load of waffle the only advice i can give is stop seeing her while she sorts herself out, it seems to me she is having the bext of both worlds, the comfort of being able to go back to you as she is comfortable round you, and the excitment of the new guy. Its harsh but cut her loose completely and she may realise the grass isnt greener on the other side and she misses you like crazy

hope this helps -xxxx-

[Quan]

thanks a ton for all the advice everyone. I know what kind of person she is, and i trust her. But i am being careful. I am going to see her this week on wednesday, then probably not for another week or so. I will cut myself off from her so she doesnt have the luxury of seeing me and see what happens. I feel that this could be a good thing, but i expect the worse no matter what. Later!

[turbomx3]

good luck I hope it all works out

[Quan]

I spent the night with her last night, just slept. We cuddled and spooned a bit, but i realized i was the only one being affectionate so i just moved to the other side of the bed and went to sleep. I really wish she would talk to me. I realize the things she would need to talk about would be about me and she has other people to talk to that about.... Like this guy from work or whatever. She just doesnt say anything to me. Last night she told me like one thing about her life in the past week which was just something about work. I feel like she is shutting me out of her life, while saying she doesnt want to lose me. I also realized that this may be old habit to her. She still remains friends with her last two boyfriends, and i refuse to be the ex-boyfriend turned friend. I feel like telling her that i am not going to do that, that i will not let her have me, if i dont have her. Is that a bad idea? There is so much going on right now that i am confused about, i don't know how to handle myself. I am doing a little better not seeing her, but i still have those random times when i just start crying. I walked into my parents house the other night and they were in bed, and i just started crying because i was alone there too. I will just be sitting there watching TV and start crying for no apparent reason. I would really hate to completely cut myself off from her because I am afraid she will forget about me and we will never get back together. On the other hand, distance makes the heart grow fonder..... I am so confused. This really is the toughest breakup i have ever been through.

I can't believe that she would break up with me so soon after we picked out our rings..... AAAAAAAAAAGH

[Nice Lover Boy]

Sometimes it's best to do what your mind wants you to do. Right now it's not what the heart wants you to do because something is about to conclude with you. I understand that being away helps and crying does too. Hey, there is nothing wrong with a man crying over a love and being alone. I just went last night to watch Ray on my own. Usually it's me and my friend but she hasn't called or text me since monday and that is apperently odd. It's like adding 2 plus 2 and you get 3. But I had that feeling of crying last night because I understood the gears of love and missing that person that I love and my friend does not know that I feel for her. But I text her last night saying if she was busy and that I was just wondering what she was doing. And in hopes of a response, I did not get nor this lousy morning. I miss her, wish she came back. Yes I do have potential to have flings anywhere, but there is nothing better then real love. I'm sorry buddy, hang in there with us, we will do our best to help you through.

[Quan]

thanks again for the replies everyone. I have one friend to talk to who had a very similar situation happen about 5 months ago. He just got back together with this girlfriend a week before this split. So i am staying at his house and seeing him and his GF so happy together... its not helping needless to say.

I am very glad i found this site, it gives me some hope and support to know that there are plenty of others who know how it feels. I feel in my heart that she really wants to be with me but is confused, but my mind is telling me to push her away to avoid further pain. I can't get my heart to let her go though.

I know how she operates as well, i can kind of tell what she is thinking. She has a habit of distancing herself from things before they hurt her. Before his grandma died, she didnt see her for 2 months because she knew she was going to lose her. She did the same thing when her dog was dying, didnt see him for a month. She has told me she was spending those nights out so she would be away from me, and not see me as much for a few days... which i half believe... except for the fact that she has been spending almost every day since then with this guy.

I asked her in a text message about the text's i saw on her phone and asked how she can be so 'intimate' with someone so quick. I asked how she was over me so quick. I was really upset about the whole 'i wish i could stay with you' crap. Her response was "I am not over you, i just knew i couldnt be with you for right now and i needed time. I cant just stop loving you. And i think (guysname) is just a distraction"

Half the time i believe her... half the time i do not. She asks me to do small things sometimes that i have always done, which is fine with me... but i think it hurts me because it makes me feel like we're still together. I am still contemplating bringing up the whole friends thing. I really can't be her friend if we don't get back together. I know it would hurt too much to know that i had lost the one woman i had ever truly loved... Especially to see her with another guy. I honestly want her to be happy no matter what, but if shes happy with someone else, i wont be sticking around to witness it and hurt myself. :babbling off:

[Nice Lover Boy]

wow, that is hard to figure out. But it's good news to find out that your spending time with this couple that are much in love. Doesn't help, I know, but you might learn something from it and it may motivate you to move on if things do not work out. Yes, I was like you too. I was in distress to find some help on-line from people willing to help and I found this place just like you and now this is where I come for support and relaxation. But talking helps the mind and sorrows relax so continue writing if you want.

[Quan]

Things MIGHT be taking a turn for the better.... but I'm not sure what to think.

I got some text messages from her last night at like 4 AM like "are you awake" then 2 mins later "hey, are you awake?"

So i wake up at 4:45 and text her back a few times and then called her because i began to wonder if something was wrong. I couldnt go back to sleep because my mind was racing. I texted her at like 6AM and told her i was stopping by our aparment to check on her. So at 9AM i left to go see her, she called me as i was pulling up to our apt and said she was ok, i told her i was out front and she told me to come in.

She was sick yesterday and sick this morning so i got her medicine and kneeled down by the bed and rubbed her back. She asked why i came by so early (didnt have to be at work til 10 and it takes me 5 minutes to get to work) i just said i was goin in early (was a lie, couldnt wait to see her and make sure everything was ok). She said "oohhh, ok" kind of playful sarcastic so i responded "no, i was going to come by and take advantage of you in your sleep"

to my surprise she replied "ok"........

She then said that was why she texted me this morning. I was confused.... I can't believe she was making a booty call but not even calling..... it was a 'booty-text'. She asked me to lay down with her so i did. I told her it was best that i didnt get the messages until later. She seemed more affectionate this time (maybe just because shes horny?). She was in a much better mood however.

I left and she called me a few times at work, and invited me to come to the apartment for lunch. She cooked me lunch and i took an extra long lunch to be with her. She was still more affectionate toward me, but it didnt seem fake or like she was just horny or anything. I was really happy with her attitude, she kept scooting closer to me and leaning her head on my shoulder.

I am supposed to go to the apartment tomorrow to watch 'lost' with her, which we watch every week, and stay the night. This will be the first time we spend more than an hour together awake since we broke up. I am not sure if she is wanting me back or if she is just finally comfortable enough to be around me now. I have a feeling we may end up having sex tomorrow night, which i would love, but i hope thats not the reason she is acting this way. MORE UPDATES TO COME THURSDAY!! thx for listening....err...reading?

[Nice Lover Boy]

Well, I hope things go well and hope to hear Good News then the bad ones. Let us know what happens.

[turbomx3]

hmmmmm! all I can say is goodluck but don't pin all your hopes on this one event! My mate recently ended up in the same situation and then his girl left and he was even more devastated so I don't know, you know your ex gf better than all of us what do your instincts tell you! At times we don't want to trust our instincts and i'm figuring your absolutly dying to be with her again. As a guy I can understand what your thinking and what your wanting but you may need to quickly seperate yourself from those feelings and think before you leap or you may end up worse off. I'm sorry I sound like i'm giving you bad news or negative info and I hope I am wrong I truly do but the booty call and everything else, from suddenly wanting to be with you to not and then to want you again. As I said you know her best what do you truly think?