I'm in my mid-40s, kids - 15 and soon 12. Was in a 2 1/2 year relationship after my divorce which ended painfully last year. Dated casually all last Fall. Then one woman I started seeing exclusively around Christmas. She's late 30's, 13 year old son, divorced too. Very sweet, passionate and compassionate woman. Seeing each other often, a lot of time together. But she starts talking about wanting another child and I let her bring it up a few times without a definitive response, but finally told her I don't see that happening at my age, starting over with a new baby.
It broke her heart, though she kind of hid it at first. Later told me she went home and cried. Still we were going along OK, but a few weeks later she started drawing away, not being responsive when I contacted her, canceled a date, then went out with me the next morning for coffee and told me she needed space to decide if she really wanted a baby because she knew I didn't. During that time I started reconsidering, talking to family, friends I know who had kids when they are older (one is 61 and has a 2 year old and 6 year old - also has 2 grown kids from his 1st marriage) and most love it, and say they are better parents the 2nd time around. I'm a good Dad. The time goes by and she's not responding, but finally she agrees to talk. I try to tell her I'm reconsidering but I'm not in a place right now where I can do that (I'm dealing with financial issues, owned a business for 15 years that I had to close up last year, stress, parenting - including a child with an autism spectrum disorder.) She has things to deal with too, and I try to tell her let's help each other and work through things to get to a point where we can have that long term relationship and a family and help each other.
A week ago she didn't contact me for a couple of days then told me she was on a date with someone else. I wasn't even mad that she went out with another person, we had agreed to be friends and take time apart, and the I invited a girl friend (just a friend though) to be my guest at a company party (the GF I'm talking about here couldn't make it, I invited her first) so I'm not saying we are angels. I was made that she barely communicated with me for days then her first message is that she's on a date. I first reacted with a long letter on FB. The next morning I woke up hurt and de-friended her, then she wrote me saying she read my letter, she loves me and I'll always be her friend, I'm good to her, she cares about me, but she doesn't fit what I want and I have too much on my plate, but is there for me as my friend.
Since then it's become (more) confusing. She goes time with hardly responding to me at all. Then she wants to see me / talk to me, but often when she needs something from me. Seems to get mad at me over anything. Acts like we are just friends (and no intimacy beyond a little flirting in well over a month), but then keeps calling herself my girlfriend and insisting that I give her the time and focus and priority a girlfriend deserves. When I told her she hurt me by no contact and then telling me she went out with someone else, she turned it back and tried to make me the bad guy. Like because I didn't have time, make her a priority is why she did it.
She's gone from very sweet, lovely woman to bitter and cynical. I don't know if we're supposed to be just friends and take some time and distance, and I'm pushing those boundaries; or romantic partners and I'm being insensitive. Tonight she jumped on me hard with criticism that I hurt her feelings because I told her I was going to a family dinner and she is alone (little close family, parents deceased, son is with his Dad) but I tried to tell her I've invited her several times recently to join us for dinner and she either turns it down or doesn't even answer, so why am I the bad guy for not inviting her tonight? But everything I tried to say she cut me down, and got spiteful, too.
I'm trying to figure this out. I know for many here going on a date with someone else would be a deal breaker but I can forgive that in the circumstances. Is she trying to push me away, or trying to manipulate my feelings to have more control because she wants me? Or maybe she is just going through some emotional issues and I'm stuck on the wrong end.
To complicate things, a woman I dated a few times before (it was very much "friend zone)" but haven't seen in 6 months contacted me recently and we've been chatting a little and she has expressed a desire to go out again sometime soon.
I'm not sure there is much of a coherent question here. Any advice is appreciated. I'm sure I've left a lot out, but this I think covers the gist of it.