Am I wrong?

[loveagain]

I'm in my mid-40s, kids - 15 and soon 12. Was in a 2 1/2 year relationship after my divorce which ended painfully last year. Dated casually all last Fall. Then one woman I started seeing exclusively around Christmas. She's late 30's, 13 year old son, divorced too. Very sweet, passionate and compassionate woman. Seeing each other often, a lot of time together. But she starts talking about wanting another child and I let her bring it up a few times without a definitive response, but finally told her I don't see that happening at my age, starting over with a new baby.

It broke her heart, though she kind of hid it at first. Later told me she went home and cried. Still we were going along OK, but a few weeks later she started drawing away, not being responsive when I contacted her, canceled a date, then went out with me the next morning for coffee and told me she needed space to decide if she really wanted a baby because she knew I didn't. During that time I started reconsidering, talking to family, friends I know who had kids when they are older (one is 61 and has a 2 year old and 6 year old - also has 2 grown kids from his 1st marriage) and most love it, and say they are better parents the 2nd time around. I'm a good Dad. The time goes by and she's not responding, but finally she agrees to talk. I try to tell her I'm reconsidering but I'm not in a place right now where I can do that (I'm dealing with financial issues, owned a business for 15 years that I had to close up last year, stress, parenting - including a child with an autism spectrum disorder.) She has things to deal with too, and I try to tell her let's help each other and work through things to get to a point where we can have that long term relationship and a family and help each other.

A week ago she didn't contact me for a couple of days then told me she was on a date with someone else. I wasn't even mad that she went out with another person, we had agreed to be friends and take time apart, and the I invited a girl friend (just a friend though) to be my guest at a company party (the GF I'm talking about here couldn't make it, I invited her first) so I'm not saying we are angels. I was made that she barely communicated with me for days then her first message is that she's on a date. I first reacted with a long letter on FB. The next morning I woke up hurt and de-friended her, then she wrote me saying she read my letter, she loves me and I'll always be her friend, I'm good to her, she cares about me, but she doesn't fit what I want and I have too much on my plate, but is there for me as my friend.

Since then it's become (more) confusing. She goes time with hardly responding to me at all. Then she wants to see me / talk to me, but often when she needs something from me. Seems to get mad at me over anything. Acts like we are just friends (and no intimacy beyond a little flirting in well over a month), but then keeps calling herself my girlfriend and insisting that I give her the time and focus and priority a girlfriend deserves. When I told her she hurt me by no contact and then telling me she went out with someone else, she turned it back and tried to make me the bad guy. Like because I didn't have time, make her a priority is why she did it.

She's gone from very sweet, lovely woman to bitter and cynical. I don't know if we're supposed to be just friends and take some time and distance, and I'm pushing those boundaries; or romantic partners and I'm being insensitive. Tonight she jumped on me hard with criticism that I hurt her feelings because I told her I was going to a family dinner and she is alone (little close family, parents deceased, son is with his Dad) but I tried to tell her I've invited her several times recently to join us for dinner and she either turns it down or doesn't even answer, so why am I the bad guy for not inviting her tonight? But everything I tried to say she cut me down, and got spiteful, too.

I'm trying to figure this out. I know for many here going on a date with someone else would be a deal breaker but I can forgive that in the circumstances. Is she trying to push me away, or trying to manipulate my feelings to have more control because she wants me? Or maybe she is just going through some emotional issues and I'm stuck on the wrong end.

To complicate things, a woman I dated a few times before (it was very much "friend zone)" but haven't seen in 6 months contacted me recently and we've been chatting a little and she has expressed a desire to go out again sometime soon.

I'm not sure there is much of a coherent question here. Any advice is appreciated. I'm sure I've left a lot out, but this I think covers the gist of it.

[Valixy]

The way I see it is that she was very in love with you (and she still is) and wanted a complete relationship, child, marriage, she wanted you to become a family. Nothing wrong with that, except that she brought it up too soon maybe - you only started dating around Christmas. She feels pressured by her age and this is totally understandable but your position is also, recently finished a divorce, dealing with other issues too and well, not really wishing for another child. I think that she is pretty much an emotional mess at the moment, can't let you go, feeling hurt, thinking that she should finish with you but still loving you and hoping that you will start feeling the same and decide to have a child with her.

If she would have been able to accept giving you two a bit more time and taking it easy for a while, like you suggested, it had been the best, not to mention that a few first perfect months together really aren't enough to decide to bring a child into the world. She is mean because she is hurt and suffering and because deep down she loves you and she wishes you could give her a child but as long as you don't want one, I doubt she would feel happy with you.

While I work with children, I never really wanted one, except once and then I wanted it with all my heart. I was in my late twenties, he was in his early forties and he said it was too late for him. We seemed perfect for each other but that was just the beginning, in time we discovered that we weren't such a strong couple actually. A year later he also wanted to have a child but at that time we started to have problems and we were unable to solve them. We really needed to get to to know each other better and prove that we could solve our issues before taking such a decision and obviously we failed at that.

[loveagain]

Valixy, I think that's a very good and understanding reply. Thanks.

A few other things...

She is almost 40 and has chronic health problems, plus lost both her parents when they were fairly young (late 50's, early 60'.) Nothing she has can't be treated with medication and taking good care of herself (she needs to follow through on her promise to quit smoking!) but I couldn't bring a child into the world at 40+ without being in excellent health, nor with a partner who isn't.

I've tried to tell her it's not that I don't want the things she wants. I see her as being a really good partner and mom. But it's too much right now. I know she feels pressure, the ticking clock, though.

She has a lot of pain and bitterness still from her divorce. That was her 2nd husband (the 1st was the father of her child, that was when they were in their 20's) He always promised they would have a child together, but kept putting her off. Wait until I finish grad school, etc. Then one day she came home and he had packed up all his things and left a message that he didn't want to be married anymore. That happened only a year before we started dating seriously.

There is also a big cultural issue we have to address that's been trivialized to this point, if we want to make things work long term.