Laid back or not interested?

[alibalibee28]

Hey,

I met a guy (he's 25, I'm 28) a couple of months ago on POF and we had our first date, which went brilliantly, 8 weeks ago. Before we actually met, we used to text each other a few times, every day, with great banter. He'd mostly iniate the chat and just sometimes send me random things to make me smile, I loved it and thats what made me start to like him and want to meet him. After the first date, he text me saying he had a great night and would like to see me again. We met a few nights after, had another great time and he sent a similar text after.

However, since we initially met, he really hardly gets in touch anymore. We'll have the odd text, most of which he ends up not replying to mine which might just even ask how his weekend was etc. Ive been very careful not to double text or contact/chase him though as I know not to chase a guy or contact too much. Since the two first dates, we've seen each other probably initially about once a week, now its more like once every week and a half/two weeks. He is a busy guy, does a lot of sport and socialising which is totally fine - however, there is such a lack of contact compared to how it was. No banter texts etc. I can go 4 or 5 days sometimes without hearing anything from him. To me, this seems like a total lack of interest and effort. He doesn't seem bothered when he next sees me again or makes an effort to know what I'm up to.

I have twice (quite drunkenly unfortunately) brought this up with him and his response (what I remember!!) has pretty much been that his relationship with his ex (that finished 2 years ago!!) was really intense, they seen each other constantly etc (she ended up cheating on him so I think he's been really hurt) and I think he doesnt want to make that mistake again. Last week when I brought it up more seriously and told him its kind of been knocking my confidence not hearing from him, he did seem genuinely shocked like he wasn't aware of his actions. I had mentioned that the last time I stayed at his, it felt like he wanted rid of me quickly in the morning, he was like nooo that wasn't the case at all. I stayed last week and he did make a proper effort for me to stay the next day and we hung about with his housemates watching films. He had also said that he still thinks about a surprise date that I had planned and really enjoyed it etc, maybe he's just crap at communication! men! I was hopeful that this would be the start of a turnaround but its been the same this week in terms of no contact. I've met his friends a couple of times on nights out, he's came off the dating site (not because of me directly, he wasn't really into it anyway) and so I doubt very much he's seeing other people.

We get on really great together. However, I just always thought, if a guy was really into you, he'd want to contact you even just to see how your day was or make arrangements to meet again. To me, no contact means that he's not even thinking about me. He's either extremely laid back and geuinely doesn't realise that he's pretty crap at this or really not that interested and maybe just not brave enough to actually tell me that? He is genuinely a nice guy I think and I doubt he'd mess me around on purpose.

I'm not the most confident of people. My only previous experience of dating someone that turned into a relationship was very instant and very intensive so Ive never experienced this taking it slow and proper dating malarky. Because he is pretty laid back, I dont want to send him a heavy text message about this and scare him off (lets face it my drunken psycho actions last week wont have helped things!) I've been close to just ending things completely though as it is getting me down and knocking my confidence, but I dont want to as there could potentially be something there, I think I'd regret it.

So here it is - after two months of dating, should it be more obvious he's into me/should he be making more of an effort to be in touch? OR should I relax and see that he's had me meet his friends etc take that as a sign he likes me and he's just crap at keeping in touch, very laid back or just wants to take things really slow?

Any insight etc would be much appreciated! Thanks so much xxx

[smackie9]

OMG just listen to yourself. "To me, no contact means that he's not even thinking about me." "I'm not the most confident of people." "told him its kind of been knocking my confidence not hearing from him " " Ive never experienced this taking it slow and proper dating malarky".

Either you change your attitude and learn to stop your co-dependency or find someone else that can fulfill your need for reassurance. That's the only way to fix this situation.

[confusednow]

id expect at least a text everyday to be honest. hes prob not that into you if hes not contacting you much.

[Valixy]

You seem to be putting more of your attention in this relationship than he does. Maybe you need to detach a little bit emotionally and invest more of your time and attention in other people and activities until you figure out what to do. Maybe you'll discover that you're comfortable going slower or maybe he'll start getting involved more. Eight weeeks is still to early to expect an every day contact for some people or to discard a relationship that could have potential, so maybe you should give it a bit more time while you try to enjoy yourself instead of waiting for his calls. If in another couple of months things don't change and you still feel that you need more attention and he still doesn't feel like giving it to you, then maybe you should reconsider it.

[alibalibee28]

Thats really great advice, thanks

[TablesandChairs]

It could be that he's not that interested OR it could be that he's not after the same type of relationship you're after. He's 25, so maybe the level of commitment he's happy with is seeing you once a week or so, sharing a few text messages and that's it. Obviously, this doesn't pave the way for a serious relationship so it's up to you; if you want to keep it casual-ish, as it is now, then that's fine. Have fun but don't put all your eggs in one basket.