Boyfriend only has female friends, stays over with them when sick

[TigerLil]

A similar thing is happening in my life with my man -- only it happens under the guise of these women being friends after a time of recent dating and "business." This type of thing looks like a new type of lifestyle choice.

Hi Seadiamond, and thanks for your reply to my post. I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulties you're having in your own relationship, and yes - I totally get what you mean. To be honest, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to be with a guy (or a series of guys) who has these female friends (especially ones he has history with) hanging around inappropriately. Because the insinuation seems to be nowadays that if you object to this, you are just jealous / uncool / immature etc for not seeing that men and women can be "just friends".

I think it can be possible for a woman and woman to be "just friends" (if they are both 100% homosexual, hahahaha), but unless there are clear boundaries, and they have AT LEAST as many friends of the same sex with whom they spend AT LEAST as much time with, I can see trouble being stored up.

Myself, I would rather spend more time with women friends because I tend to find we share the same interests and pasttimes and it's easier to talk about personal stuff, and I don't like going to bars like a lot of men do. So I don't have many, if any, male friends. If I did, it might make things easier - because then if I have a BF who spends alone time with his female friends, I can at least do the same with my male friends. Then maybe he would understand how it feels.

I actually have a date (aren't I a fast mover!) next week with a guy I've known for 6 months - since before my ex. I know he has at least a couple of female friends - but also male friends too. But I would not be surprised if these women are, like you say, friends after a time of recent dating and "business." *Sigh*

The sad thing is, I know that in future I will be worrying about the female friend thing. I may even need to establish ground rules with the next guy I start a relationship with (no overnight stays alone with female friends - even if you think you are dying, no "date" type activities like a movie and dinner) as otherwise he could claim he didn't think I would have a problem with it.

The trouble is, in modern society (at least in the West), a lot of people like to pride themselves on being so "adult" and liberal and grown up. To them, female and male friends are interchangeable. So if you're not comfortable with your BF sharing a bed with his female friend or something, then you "just don't trust" him - so it becomes your bad, not his (extreme example, I know!)

The only solution I can think of to deal with this issue is to develop friendships with a few men.

[TigerLil]

Oh, and on the "you just don't trust me" thing, I would say:

"TRUST IS EARNED"

[michelle23]

i just think you should stay away from men who have close female friends-full stop. i dont have male friends. imy bf doesnt have female friends. theres men im "friendly" with. guys i went to school with etc that i chat to if i see them. but thats it.

[TigerLil]

I think it can be possible for a woman and woman to be "just friends"

I meant to say "man and woman" not "woman and woman".

[TigerLil]

I think it can be possible for a woman and woman to be "just friends" (if they are both 100% homosexual, hahahaha), but unless there are clear boundaries, and they have AT LEAST as many friends of the same sex with whom they spend AT LEAST as much time with, I can see trouble being stored up.

I meant to say, "man and woman", not "woman and woman".

[TigerLil]

I think this is good advice, Michelle23! I think in future, I will probably just have to get to know lots of different guys and somehow filter out the ones with close female friends, no matter how much I might like them in other ways.

Also, in the past, I've always found it is the guy who broaches the subject of going "exclusive" first. This sounds very nice, but means nothing if he's not prepared to actually honour that exclusiveness. Too often, I think, it can just be a way of making sure YOU'RE not available to date other guys. My experience lately, anyhow.

In future, I will not be afraid to say, "actually, I think I need some more time".