Boyfriend only has female friends, stays over with them when sick

[TigerLil]

Hi,

I am 30 years old and have been with my boyfriend (45 years old) for 4 months now and some things have been bothering me, to do with his female friends. I've tried talking to him about it, but he asks why I don't trust him.

My BF only has female friends, and he feels it is OK for them to spend time together alone, and for him to stay overnight with them. His closest female friend is seeing a married man. I have not yet met any of these women. When I first met him, he said one of his goals for this year was to make 4 male friends. So far, I can't see that happening.

Your advice and thoughts would be much appreciated!

The 2 scenarios that bother me most are these:

Friend No 1 -- My BF stayed overnight with a female friend, because he felt very ill. He texted me throughout the evening to let me know what was happening, but when I tried calling him, he wouldn't answer his mobile. My BF lives alone, whereas I live with my family (whom he hadn't yet met at that point), so he said he felt awkward meeting my family for the first time when he was ill. That is why he asked this lady if he could stay with her. My boyfriend said his illness came on very quickly and he thought he was going to die. That's why he drive 7 miles to this other woman's house. And as I don't have a car, he didn't want to call me out in the night. (Of course, he could have just driven to the hospital...)

A couple of weeks later, when I was supposed to be attending a regular dance class, he went to see a movie with this female friend. I did know about this, but didn't make a fuss about it. I DID create a fuss when my class was cancelled and I called my BF after the movie had finished, and discovered he was going on to her house to cook her dinner. He hadn't told me about this at all. My BF suggested he could meet me for a quick drink (just me and him - as apparently his friend had already left in her car to drive home). He would then drive over to her place to cook her dinner, alone. Apparently it was to say thank you to her for looking after hgim when he was sick. I went ballistic over this, I have to admit - and I'm a quiet, calm person normally. Apparently this lady is at least 15 years older than he is - in her 60s, apparently. He has known her for a few years, and apparently she he has a boyfriend (who doesn't live with her), but my BF isn't sure of her boyfriend's name.

What also bothered me is that when I saw him that evening (before he left to go to her place) he looked very groomed and shaven. Yet nowadays, when he spends time with me or my family, he doesn't seem to bother with that so much. Red flag?

Friend No 2 -- My BF's closest friend is divorced and is having an affair with a married man. This lady lives several hours from our town, and because she is having an operation on both her legs soon, my BF has offered/agreed to stay with her at her home for a few weeks to care for her, as she will be unable to walk unaided. The lady has an adult daughter, but apparently the daughter lives on the other side of the country and so is unable to care for her mother. So my BF is going to be staying with her for a few weeks to look after her. He says he only agreed to do this on condition that I could come to stay at weekends - something I don't particularly want to do! I'm not sure I feel comfortable staying at this lady's house when she is recuperating. Also, there is the fact that she is seeing a married man - something that neither I nor my BF approve of.


My BF's view is that it's ok for men and women to be friends (I agree - but with limits!), and that seeing a movie and cooking dinner for a female friend is not a "date" when they are "just friends".

He also says that if my best friend (who is female) was sick, then wouldn't I stay with her to care for her? I certainly would, but I also know that my best friend's family would likely be the ones who would want to care for her. Amongst my friends and family, it is generally close family and husbands/wives who take care of these things - not friends of the opposite sex.

I don't have many - if any - male friends, because I tend to find they usually want to be "more than friends".

My boyfriend says he likes having female friends as they are " more honest" and "less competitive" than men. He says none of his female friends have ever expressed interest in him "that" way.

As for his closest female friend, I can't help feeling like she is "borrowing" other women's men - a married man for sex & romance, and then my boyfriend to care for her when she is ill. Or is that very selfish of me? If she had a normal husband/boyfriend, perhaps there would be a more appropriate person to care for her.

[devilish]

I'm sorry , he must be banging one of them

[surfhb2]

Why aren't you there with him when he's sick?

Something's missing here

Btw.....red flags all around

[AbigailR]

Yeah I would have some issue with that. I would just dump him. He knows you have a problem with the alone time he's spending with his friends, and he obviously doesn't care about your feelings because he's not even trying to make you more comfortable with the situation.

[lalalita]

Even if these friendships are totally, 100%, platonic - I still find them completely inappropriate. There have been lots of posts about "female friends" here, one of which I even posted. This seems to be a common problem. At 45 years old, I doubt he will ever change. He doesn't seem phased by your expressed discomfort about these friends. You have to ask yourself if this is something you can live with, or if it is a deal breaker for you.

[Am I crazy?]

Well....... I have been in a few scuffles here over this issue and even though I do believe it is ok for males and females to have close friendships, to me this just sounds like a completely different sort of thing. Honestly, to me it sounds like your man is these ladies F-buddy on call.

[searock]

Men and women can be friends, but the relationship he has with those women has nothing to do with friendship. I bet he wouldn't have gone to a guy friend of his, that night when he felt ill. I'm also sure that he wouldn't have cooked said guy friend a "thank you" dinner at his place.

At the very least, he is having an emotional affair.

[VincenzoG91]

The important part is that you aren't happy about it, he knows that you aren't happy about it, and he won't stop. The two of you are incompatible on a basic and important issue, and shouldn't stay together.

[michelle23]

just break up with him. red flags everywhere. hes delusional if he thinks any sane woman would or should trust him. plus the people he associates with also sound dodgy as f**k. get rid of him girl

[TigerLil]

Thanks so much guys for your advice. I've actually been texting him to break up with him. Yes, I know this sounds harsh. But I have lost my voice due to illness - no joke - and am unlikely to regain it for another few days. He is now asking me "why are you doing this to us" and asking me if there is "someone else". He also said his friendships are genuine and honest. LMFAO. Sorry, I sound bitter, because I am.

I also called his friend (who is sleeping with a married man) a slut, and he defended her and said she wasn't.

I also confronted him about other times when he has lied to me, and times when he tried to trick me into telling him things about my family, then pretended he'd said something else entirely (to cover his tracks). This was in the early days of our relationship, when he was trying to find out if my parents knew what I was doing that evening etc. As if I am really that stupid.

[TigerLil]

Also, to get really personal here, I brought up for the first time the fact that he LIED to me the first time that we slept together, when he pretended he had a condom on. He said to me, "it's OK, I've got something on". After a few seconds, it became clear to me that he didn't, but I didn't say anything. He then reached for his niightstand put something on for real. Some weeks later, he told me that he thought his ex gf had been cheating on him. And, as far as I am aware, he didn't get tested before we started sleeping together. So presumably that meant, could have been carrying all sorts of STDs before he lied and put his condomless wiener inside me!!

My boyfriend (or is that ex) is now saying I am the one who has lied. Because I've been saying to him that I love him and am now coming out with all this stuff. He is blaming me!!! He says he is broken and in tears.

[TigerLil]

At the weekend, he said that in the future, he might like to move to London for 6 months, so he could sample life there - but not stay there forever, He said we could travel to see each other at weekends etc. Bear in mind that London is about a 3 hour journey from where we currently live, and where I have a permanant job in which I am happy. I was quite upset by what he said. He then pretended it had only been a pipe dream and not to take it seriously. I'm starting to feel like he was deliberately messing with my mind a bit.

[michelle23]

thats gaslighting as far as i know. look it up. its pure manipulation when he says or does something but twists it to make you think theres something wrong with you..

you have done the right thing. dont waste your time arguing back and forth with him. you need to cut him off completely-as cold as ice. the only way saps like him will get the message.

stay strong now and dont go back to him. you cant build a healthy relationship with someone you dont trust. it will never work.

there are better men out there.

[VincenzoG91]

With all this additional info, it sounds like this guy is a manipulative weasel. You are better off without him.

[Wakeup]

"Condomless Weiner inside me" Best line this week.