Thoughts?

[palomainlove]

I have been dating a guy for close to one year, albeit he is 5 hours away, but we make sure we see each other every 2-3 weeks. I love him, respect him, he is a good person and very responsible. He has baggage though, a failed marriage with large weekly outgoings to his ex for another 18 months and a previous live in relationship with a woman he bought a house with who left him so he is wary of committing to anyone again and taking on responsibility. I have two young children and he feels he cannot make a promise to live with us, he is at a crossroads and once he is free to not work as hard (he is a medical specialist and quite burnt out) to meet the responsibilities to his previous children he wants to be able to work less, travel and is hesitant to promise something he can't deliver.

My question is - How long do I stay with him knowing that he may never be able to talk or dream about the future with me? Is it enough to have a man who I am passionate about and who I enjoy seeing and who makes a big effort to see me and be my friend. Is wanting the standard narrative and someone who is willing to take on my children a fairytale? Is living separately but enjoying the romance and time I have with this man just as good as a domestic situation? He is a very practical, scientific person and driven by decency and facts rather than emotions and scared of feeling like he needs someone, wants to be ok alone.

[AdminOnline]

Hi palomainlove and welcome to Love Forum - Online Relationship Discussion! Hope you enjoy your stay here.

[michelle23]

I think if you stay with this man then you are giving up what you want to satisfy what he wants. That compromise it too big to make. If he cannot meet you half way and give you a deadline (6months) where he will be willing to talk about a real future with you AND your kids than you are wasting your time and settling for second best.

you want a family situation-a family man who will come home to you every night and be able to put you first most of this time. This man doesn't see you in his future at all as he is planning to go travelling which doesn't include you or your kids.

At your age-all the men you meet will be divorced and probably have a few kids but a lot of them would be willing to commit to you, live with you and your children and expect you to make an effort with his too. that is what you should be aiming for.

If I were you, I would let this one go and look for someone who meets your standards and expectations. Right now it sounds like you are being used until something better comes along and no matter what age you are or how much baggage you have-that is no way to treat someone or to be treated. you deserve his respect if nothing else and this man does not value what you have or respect what you want. Forget about him.

This reminds me of my boyfriends mother. She is seeing a man for the past 7 or 8 years. There is no commitment. I personally think he uses her to buy him dinner, watch her sports channels (hes too cheap to pay for his own) and probably for sex too. he makes no effort with her family, keeps her at a distance from his and they break up probably once a month. All she does is complain about him. Its a bit ridiculous really. This woman is only 43 and looks ten years younger. She has a ton of options but for some reason puts up with this bollox. I dont trust him either-I think he is a womanizer. i don't understand why any woman would put up with this.. The whole family has a problem with him and we all wish she would get rid of the prick but she wont...

Dont waste your life like she has. If he hasnt committed to you by now-he never will. I think she is still hoping he will change but she may as well bang her head off a brick wall. Hes selfish, lazy, has no emotional intelligence and uses her when it suits him. She may see him twice this week and then not hear from him for two weeks so she tells him to f off-then hes back a few days later and the cycle continues.. Ive told her 100 times to get rid of him but I have given up now. If she wants to be a fool for him-thats fine. Im just surprised her four sons turned out to be decent and respect women and have no fear of commitment coz with her as a role model-you would think they would try to walk all over women but for some reason-they are really honest, decent men thankfully

[palomainlove]

Wow thank you Michelle 23 for such a detailed response - the first line nails it on the head.
Glad you have found a decent bloke.
I think it has been so rare that I have found someone who
Is not financially sponging off me and who is an intellectual match and
I am attracted to him that I find him hard to let go of.
I would rather be alone with an occasional lover than move in with a guy
Who is wrong - just have to trust there is someone out there.
In my experience with dating when you have young kids the
Men that want to take it on are also not financially secure so you take on them like another
Child - then ones that are secure financially see you as a liability. Economics gets in the way.
I have always supported my children single handedly and would not expect
A man to have to pay for my children. Just to love us and create a fun, loving home.
Thanks again

[michelle23]

i think if any man sees potential in you, he would be willing to be a friend to your children too and possibly stepdad in the long term. I know lots of men who have stepchildren and are very good with them. Anything is possible.

Of course it is your decision whether you stay with him or not but it really sounds like he is only around for a good time and not a long time. i wouldn't invest too much emotionally in a guy who could be here today and gone tomorrow. I think you can find much better out there

I wish you luck and happiness and I hope you find your mr right