Should I let bad past expieriences with alcohol effect my current "deal breakers"?

[surfhb2]

If a person drinks at home by themselves they are an alcoholic....period. Im one myself...yay!!

[basilandthyme]

If a person drinks at home by themselves they are an alcoholic....period. Im one myself...yay!!

Yep, me too. A glass of wine while cooking the evening meal is a regular treat for myself.

[smackie9]

You don't need to be an alcoholic to be abusive. You treat this like dating anyone else...you go by how they treat you, not if they drink. It would like saying all guys are cheaters because you have been cheated on.

If you can't feel comfortable with a guy that drinks then just don't date a guy that doesn't drink.

[smackie9]

I have in the past, but I haven't in quite some time. We've been together for almost a year. There haven't been any issues because of his drinking, I'm just developing strong feelings for him and I want to make sure my eyes are fully open before going further.

If you haven't seen anything by now then you won't....man you got some trust issues if it's taken a year for you to develop strong feelings for this guy.

[Wakeup]

That's not exactly true about if she hasn't seen anything yet she won't. Many people hide it well until they can't anymore. Not saying that this guy is doing that, but it does happen. Do you stay over with him often? Has he given you lots of opportunity to be with him over longer periods of time?

[namemyname]

codependent is a massively overused term on message boards. Along with narcissistic personality disorder, bi-polar and alcoholic. Research the suggestions, but make your own decision as to whether or not it fits.

True, but she is a co-dependent.

Healthy people don't repeatedly get involved with addicts, and then hope their behavior will change.

[xrobotlove]

Alcoholics are different than people that drink a lot. My brother drinks pretty often but he is not an alcoholic by any means whatsoever (or an addict of anything for that matter, except maybe his music career). My father on the other hand is a classic alcoholic. Alcoholics are different because:
-they black out. Usually people that aren't alcoholics won't black out no matter how drunk they get.
-they can't turn down a beer. Be it a sports event, a dinner party, a day off- a non-alcoholic can turn down a drink during "appropriate" drinking occasions, but an alcoholic can't.
-they drink during the day. Not all do and not all those that do are alcoholics, but any alcoholics I've known drink during the day if they can.
-they have an alternate "drunk personality" that is significantly different than their normal sober personality.
-drinking makes all events more enjoyable/ easier to them. For example: A non-alcoholic would find it difficult or unnecessary to drink before a music performance. An alcoholic would feel more uncomfortable if they didn't drink.

There are a lot of checklists and such online that can help you differentiate between a person that consumes a considerable amount of alcohol and a person physically and mentally addicted to alcohol. This person honestly sounds like an average drinker as opposed to an alcoholic in my opinion, although the ""sober sex" comment is a tad troubling as it is a sign of alcoholism. But people can have a sign or two without being an alcoholic, so I wouldn't use it as a deal breaker unless there are several more signs.

[Wakeup]

-they black out. Usually people that aren't alcoholics won't black out no matter how drunk they get.

No offence but: Wrong. They can black out but if they don't, it doesn't mean they are'nt alcholoics.

-they can't turn down a beer. Be it a sports event, a dinner party, a day off- a non-alcoholic can turn down a drink during "appropriate" drinking occasions, but an alcoholic can't.

They usually won't if its offered, but when they know there will not be booze offered where they are going, they will show up and leave early so they can get back to their thing... or they just won't go a all.

-they drink during the day. Not all do and not all those that do are alcoholics, but any alcoholics I've known drink during the day if they can.

This is the somewhat true but there are plenty of alcoholics that are functioning. In otherwords, they can go to work and back without partaking but start the min. they get home until they go to bed.

-they have an alternate "drunk personality" that is significantly different than their normal sober personality.

That applies to anyone who drinks until they are drunk.

-drinking makes all events more enjoyable/ easier to them. For example: A non-alcoholic would find it difficult or unnecessary to drink before a music performance. An alcoholic would feel more uncomfortable if they didn't drink.

This is just nonsense and totally based on your personal experience with your own alcoholic.

There are a lot of checklists and such online that can help you differentiate between a person that consumes a considerable amount of alcohol and a person physically and mentally addicted to alcohol. This person honestly sounds like an average drinker as opposed to an alcoholic in my opinion, although the ""sober sex" comment is a tad troubling as it is a sign of alcoholism. But people can have a sign or two without being an alcoholic, so I wouldn't use it as a deal breaker unless there are several more signs.

Speculation in most part. However agree here: DO go online and check out al-anon and codependents anonymous as well as the checklists.

[namemyname]

Yeah, alcoholics come in all packages.

I worked with a guy who drank during the day at work.

I have a friend whose Dad came home every night and had a 12-pack. Just sat in the kitchen alone and drank until bedtime.

Still...

this thread isn't about the boyfriends, it's about the OP's continued codependent choices.

[Wakeup]

Still...

this thread isn't about the boyfriends, it's about the OP's continued codependent choices.

It would be unconscionable to let the mis-nomers above go unchecked but yes, I agree this is about OP and her own patterns.

[smackie9]

You guys are knit picking. I come from a family of alcoholics and if it's a real problem it's hard to hide. They have been together for a year, and there is no sign. Sure it's ok to be some what cautious, that is why communication and dealing with the issues with the person first hand is important and not going by the strong criticism of a bunch of strangers on the net. Just because someone drinks doesn't make them an alcoholic. Most of the population drinks so she would be hard pressied to find a BF that doesn't drink at all. He probably has never dated a recovering alcoholic so he doesn't know how to behave when it comes to drinking that is all. He isn't hiding it from her because he has a problem, he hides it because she has a problem simple as that. They both just need to sit down and discuss it.

[xrobotlove]

No offence but: Wrong. They can black out but if they don't, it doesn't mean they are'nt alcholoics.

They usually won't if its offered, but when they know there will not be booze offered where they are going, they will show up and leave early so they can get back to their thing... or they just won't go a all.
This is the somewhat true but there are plenty of alcoholics that are functioning. In otherwords, they can go to work and back without partaking but start the min. they get home until they go to bed.
That applies to anyone who drinks until they are drunk.
This is just nonsense and totally based on your personal experience with your own alcoholic.

Speculation in most part. However agree here: DO go online and check out al-anon and codependents anonymous as well as the checklists.

Which is why I used words like "usually" and said "not all that do are, not all that are do" for almost every example. And obviously those were based on the alcoholics I know, I wouldn't be trying to help her figure out if the guy is an alcoholic or not if I had no personal experience with alcoholics.. I'm not sure why that makes my examples "misnomers" because I'm pretty sure the definition of an example is something explaining or illustrating an aspect of what is typical of the subject and all of the things I said are typical of many alcoholics.

And by alternate personality I mean acting like a different person. Obviously being drunk makes you act drunk, but most people are still themselves, albeit "extreme" versions of themselves. But alcoholics often become a totally different person. Someone that is generally sweet and non-confrontational while sober can become an abrasive bully after drinking. I've also been to al-anon meetings many times for my dad and have heard these examples repeatedly.

[michelle23]

the only red flag i see here is he cant remember the last time he had sex sober. so next time hes out drinking without you and drunk-how will he react if a pretty girl trys to kiss him?

[Wakeup]

Which is why I used words like "usually" and said "not all that do are, not all that are do" for almost every example. And obviously those were based on the alcoholics I know, I wouldn't be trying to help her figure out if the guy is an alcoholic or not if I had no personal experience with alcoholics.. I'm not sure why that makes my examples "misnomers" because I'm pretty sure the definition of an example is something explaining or illustrating an aspect of what is typical of the subject and all of the things I said are typical of many alcoholics.

Your points (in most part) were specific to your particular situation. That in itself I felt needed to be clarified. I've explained by breaking down everything I did and replying per each statement. I'm not sussed to do it all over again. There is no black and while with alcoholism.

[Wakeup]

You guys are knit picking. I come from a family of alcoholics and if it's a real problem it's hard to hide.

Sorry, but I disagree with this portion I know a few wives of alchs who didn't have a clue their partners had the problems they do until they moved in, their drinking couldn't be hidden like it was when they were just dating and the drinking skyrocketed from there. I do suspect that he just likes to drink wherein she does not, (that's the only information we have to go on anyway) which makes them rather incompatible at the least. This is why I asked her how often she sees him, if she spends lots of overnights/weekends that sort of thing.