Should I let bad past expieriences with alcohol effect my current "deal breakers"?

[shortyrock]

I have had numerous bad (some, down right scarring) past expieriences with men who drink alcohol excessively. I was with an alcoholic for a few years, and since, I am hyper aware of the warning signs of such. I automatically associate a man drinking alcohol with various types of abuse and negativity. I don't mean a man enjoying a beer after a long day at work, or having the occasional night out with friends. (It took me a few years to get to the point to be okay with that, and to see that it is reasonable) I'm referring to men who consume alcohol frequently, perhaps even every day.

For awhile now, it has been a deal breaker for me if a man drinks more than occasionally. It scares me into thinking there may be an underlying problem and that I might get in too deep with another abuser of alcohol.

I met up with the man I'm currently involved with last weekend, and when I kissed him hello I could smell alcohol on his breath. He wasn't drunk, and it was his day off from his busy work schedule, but it scared me and made me want to turn right back and go home. I know he tends to drink at home, alone, but I don't know how often. He used to mention when he was at home drinking, but since I have vocalized my dislike for drinkers, he rarely mentions it anymore. This concerns me, because I feel as though he's hiding an aspect of himself because he knows it makes me uncomfortable. I made him dinner at his place that night, and he asked if it was "alright" if he had a beer with dinner and I "could say no if it bothered me". I thanked him for asking me, but told him that wasn't needed and he could drink whatever he wanted. He's a grown man. It *did* bother me slightly, but I tried putting it out of my mind.

I *know* I am being sensitive and this is where I need some advice. Expressing my dislike of alcohol to a man who likes to drink usually just creates issues of lying and hiding their drinking from me to not cause any problems. Hence, why I have considered it a deal breaker. I'm not out to change anyone.

When should it be a deal breaker? As long as the man is functioning, not drunk all the time, and treats me well it shouldn't be an issue, right? The man I'm seeing is a great guy, with a great job, and his head on straight. Am I being over critical of how he likes to unwind?

[Wakeup]

I'm not sure what to tell you except to maybe keep your fear to yourself for a tad longer so that you can suss out just how much he does drink without thinking he needs to hide it from you. )too late for that plan with this guy of course but should you find yourself dating others again, apply it then because If he doesn't know you fear this type of man, then he won't feel a need to bait and switch on you and he'll show you his true self.

Only time will tell with your current. How long have you been seeing him?

BTW: You can stink of beer after just one if you yourself have not had one you'll notice it a lot more. Do you drink at all yourself?

[lalalita]

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[lalalita]

Or, my cat could just smash the key board. I agree with Wakeup. Maybe holding off on letting men know your fear would benefit you, but it seems too late for that.

[shortyrock]

I'm not sure what to tell you except to maybe keep your fear to yourself for a tad longer so that you can suss out just how much he does drink without thinking he needs to hide it from you. )too late for that plan with this guy of course but should you find yourself dating others again, apply it then because If he doesn't know you fear this type of man, then he won't feel a need to bait and switch on you and he'll show you his true self.

Only time will tell with your current. How long have you been seeing him?

BTW: You can stink of beer after just one if you yourself have not had one you'll notice it a lot more. Do you drink at all yourself?

I have in the past, but I haven't in quite some time. We've been together for almost a year. There haven't been any issues because of his drinking, I'm just developing strong feelings for him and I want to make sure my eyes are fully open before going further.

[basilandthyme]

*responsible drinking* is the key. I'll admit that my hubby and I share a bottle of wine at night more often than not. But we are both very aware of how our drinking could affect the family and are careful to not get silly about it. With this in mind, I'd be suggesting you watch how responsible his drinking is.

[namemyname]

This guy's an alcoholic, and you know it.

Until you acknowledge you're a co-dependent, you'll continue to find drinkers, and then make yourself crazy trying to change them.

Seek a good therapist who specializes in co-dependency.

[michelle23]

if you have not seen any red flags in a year than it sounds all good to me

ask yourself what are you so afraid of? you were strong enough to get out of previous bad relationships-you can do that again if you need to. why not just take the risk? let your guard down. allow yourself to love this man-trust him, let him love you. if he f**ks up you can walk away any time you want. your not trapped you always have options. your being too cautious! you are not made of glass, your not gonna break. if you get hurt so what-pick yourself up again, move on, learn from it

thats life hun. look at it this way: stand back letting life and love pass you by always feeling safe but never happy or take down those walls, dive in head first, who cares if it dont work out. believe in yourself that your strong enough to handle ANYTHING and you will be fine

[shortyrock]

He's made a few off hand comments that have alarmed me. Such as, friends of his when he was younger were all into experimenting with drugs but he "always loved the bottle",very early on he remarked that sex while sober was surprisingly enjoyable for him, and that he "hasn't done that sober in a long time", and that you "can't tell" when he's drunk.

Those echo in my mind.

And he's right about not knowing when he's drunk. When we first started dating, we were out with a group of mutual friends for a day at the beach. He started drinking early in the evening and kept drinking throughout the night (this wasn't out of place, everyone was having a good time). With the amount he drank, but must have been plenty intoxicated and he continued to act EXACTLY the same.

[namemyname]

The problem here isn't him.

It's YOU.

I really wish you could see this. Co-dependents rarely do.

[basilandthyme]

With the amount he drank, but must have been plenty intoxicated and he continued to act EXACTLY the same.

So, if he does drink but it doesn't change his demeanour - why is it a problem?

[shortyrock]

The problem here isn't him.

It's YOU.

I really wish you could see this. Co-dependents rarely do.

How am I being codependent?

[shortyrock]

So, if he does drink but it doesn't change his demeanour - why is it a problem?

My fear is that, over time, it could cause problems. It generally just makes me feel unpleasant, as well, which is why I usually avoid such behaviors.

You have a great point, though.

[basilandthyme]

How am I being codependent?

codependent is a massively overused term on message boards. Along with narcissistic personality disorder, bi-polar and alcoholic. Research the suggestions, but make your own decision as to whether or not it fits.

[Wakeup]

If the shoe fits...

Op have you thought about going to a few al-anon meetings to find out about codependency.. read any books on the subject.? Anyway, you've been going out with him for over a year now but he still could be on his best behaviour. No one knows but time and what you discover about him. The fact that you keep choosing alcholic or heavy drinkers is rather telling... Al-anon will help you to change you so that you stop finding drinkers so attractive.

Was your mother or father problem drinkers or alcoholics?