Friends or Best of both worlds??

**brokensoul1** · 19-07-13, 06:30 PM

So i agreed to go to the cinema after work. I couldn't say no, I forgot I promised her I wouldn't change how things were if things didn't work out and can't go back on it.
I'll have to just get a lot busier when she wants to do things.
:-(

**michelle23** · 19-07-13, 07:11 PM

No you have to speak up and be honest about how you feel. Pretending everything is fine when its not is not the answer and she will notice that you all of a sudden have no time for her. You have been very mature and responsible so far-dont change that now and dont make this any harder than it needs to be.

If you cannot say it to her face, then write her a letter and ask her to read it while you are there.

Just say on it "I have thought long and hard about this, I couldnt get the words out, I have been trying for awhile and this is the easiest way to express how I am feeling. You know I have strong feelings for you, I would love nothing more than for the three of us to be a family so I can be there all the time for you and our child but I have come to terms with the fact that you do not want that and I have accepted it. I am finding it difficult to spend so much time together and I really feel like I cannot get over you if we are hanging out and being best friends. Please understand this isnt about you, it is about me. I cannot move on or put my feelings aside and I really need space and time so I can get over you.

I still want to be a really good dad and be here for our child no matter what happens. I would like to set up a custody agreement that suits us both where we can both spend time with our child without spending time together. I hope this doesnt upset you. I care for you deeply and always will but I need to focus on being a parent without hoping that one day you will change your mind"

I know it may sound cheesy or embarrassing. Change the wording if you want but you really do have to be honest here. You are not being fair to yourself otherwise

**brokensoul1** · 19-07-13, 07:52 PM

I may write a letter or say exactly what you said plus ill explain how she cannot change how she feels about me and that it's the same for me I cannot simply stop loving her and act like I don't want her still.
Maybe I was too fast it was only six weeks but I did feel the same about her befor we started things up. And hanging around with her was wat made me like her.

But I want to ask why she chose to ask me to the cinema few days after she eds it.
She hates the cinema in the heat. And the daytime. I guess it doesn't make a difference why she asked me anyways

**michelle23** · 19-07-13, 08:09 PM

Once you write that letter you will know from her response what is going on in her head. She may tell you that she does want to try and make it work but just bear in mind being a single mum is tough and it can be scary. Maybe she feels like she needs you but doesn't actually want you.

If she does ever say she wants to be with you than you need to be sure that is really what she wants and not that she just has a fear of being on her own.

I know its tough but you are only making it harder by being so close to her.

**brokensoul1** · 19-07-13, 08:15 PM

Yea but if she needs me but doesn't want me she can't have best of both worlds. But she is very independent so she doesn't need me, it could be that she is lonely.
We do get on very well and hav a lot in common and have the same sense of humour. She maybe needed more space when we were seeing each other but everything was perfect,
She definetly made it clear she won't want to try things again as she doesn't feel the spark. Also I don't want er to think by writing a letter or sayin we can. Be friends is a way I'm trying to call her bluff or a sly way of getting her back do ya get me??

**michelle23** · 19-07-13, 08:55 PM

If she has made it clear than all you can do is create distance. Sorry I was confused as I don't know the whole story.

**brokensoul1** · 19-07-13, 09:03 PM

Well by making it clear i asked will she ever change her mid and she said definetly not sorry.
And that she doesn't feel the spark.
That's clear to me, or could that just be er getting me to leave it for awhile?

**michelle23** · 19-07-13, 09:28 PM

It sounds clear to me sorry. Its sad when two people who would probably be amazing together cant just get it together. This "spark" she speaks of is BS. The only reason she doesn't feel it is coz you are already too close.. you know each other well so you will skip the stage of infatuation (which is not love).. Sadly most people do not understand that. I never felt the so called "spark" either but I know the difference between infatuation and love..

There is nothing you can do though to make her see that unfortunately. Maybe she will meet someone else and it will take being with another man to figure out that she should have chosen you. That could take years though before she realizes it and it is not worth waiting around for as she could just change her mind again.

I think its time to move on

**brokensoul1** · 19-07-13, 09:34 PM

Yea this is exactly why i am on this forum. I think she said the spark thing coz I kept asking what is it that she doesn't like. And all she could come up with was the spark thing. And that she cares for me more as a friend.
But as I said I know it's clear she doesn't want me but Its confusing the hang around thing.

I agree the spark is total BS as I didn't feel a spark but I always felt something for her.

**brokensoul1** · 19-07-13, 09:46 PM

Ok I off to see my child for a few hours befor we head off to the flicks. I am just gunna accept it and ill tell her how I feel about being near er and needing space.
Thanks again :-)

**michelle23** · 19-07-13, 10:06 PM

Your welcome. good luck. let me know how it goes

**brokensoul1** · 20-07-13, 04:24 AM

Ok went cinema I forgot at times we are only friends we had a laugh and it was fun day out. I did let her pay half of cinema stuff though.

Anyways we going to the how Tommorow I wasn't going to drink but she text me saying she is going to meet her friends in a pub after and I can come if I want. Do I politely tell her to feck off?
I don't think I could go unless I brought my mate though. Argh

**michelle23** · 20-07-13, 07:50 AM

the longer you put this off the harder it will be. sit down, write the letter and give it to her. you have to just do it. its like ripping off a plaster. hurts at first but it gets better..

i know your prob thinking "if im her best friend and look after her, show her how strong, stable, reliable i am, be a good dad, put them both first etc one day she will realize we should be together and we will live happily ever after as a family"

it doesnt work that way. in these situations-the more of a friend you are, the less chance of a bf you will ever be

**michelle23** · 20-07-13, 07:54 AM

in fact you will just get to watch her marry someone else and you will be left alone and miserable. then her marriage will hit a rough patch at some point, she will confide in you, youll have an affair and everyone involved will get hurt again including you and your child..

men and women cannot be best mates.. not unless she is also your gf

**brokensoul1** · 20-07-13, 08:14 AM

I had a talk with her explained how I was feeling and didn't know if I should go pub with friends as ill get wrong idea.befor that she said her friend asked was I going coz she likes me (banter only)
So I asked did SHE want me to go and she said why not as we are going out Tommorow anyways. I explained I'll never change how I feel and I'm worried.
Her last texts she said she doesn't like me being sad. Then she said don't be worrying about things that may or may not happen never know what's around the corner. Then I left it at that coz I'm prob buggin her at this stage

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