Confront or Walk Away

[brunhilde]

I could use some advice to know what to do with a man I have been involved with. Please bear with me as it's kind of an intricate story. He and I met about five months ago. A mutual friend set us up for a professional connection and we immediately hit it off. He pursued me and we were seeing each other pretty seriously a few weeks later. Things seemed to be incredible between us. We had amazing chemistry and a stunning intellectual and emotional attraction and seemed to be falling in love. However, there were a couple of issues that came up. The first is that he had problems in the bedroom that seemed to be a recurring issue for him. This didn't bother me, I felt sure we would get through it in time and wasn't in a hurry. The second is that I had to leave for the summer to finish up a project that is very important to my career. We both knew this was coming for a while, but the closer it got, the more stressful it became for us. A couple of weeks before I left, he came to stay for the weekend (he lived a few hours away). I could tell he wasn't in the best mood so I suggested we see a movie rather than go on the hike we had planned. The movie seemed to trigger something in him (he is a combat veteran with PTSD) and afterward he was in a very dark mood. I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong and he got more upset. He told me that he had to leave right then, things weren't working between us and didn't want to put me through what he was going through (although nothing he was saying was making that much sense). That he'd had deep depressions before and they'd lasted months. I managed to convince him to stay (because I was very concerned for his safety) and tried to talk him down, while also expressing to him how upsetting it would be to me if he ended things so abruptly. We talked for several hours about how we both felt like we were falling in love and that it was scary for us. The night ended with us both in tears holding each other and the next day he left promising me that he was heading right to his therapist and would be in touch.

The day after he wrote me a long, apologetic letter apologizing, explaining that he didn't want to lose me, but that the stress of my upcoming trip, the movie trigger, trying to communicate his feelings, all of it had overwhelmed him and made him want to run away. He promised that he would find better ways to deal with this in the future and wanted to keep trying with me. I agreed to try again with him, but it seemed that something had shifted. We spent time together a few more times before I left, but he was not doing well. He was suffering from stress-related back pain and seemed distant and agitated.

Since I've been here, we've had a hard time communicating. It seemed like I was doing a lot of the initiating so I asked him things were ok between us. This made him more distant and I've stopped initiating. I saw on his Facebook page yesterday that he'd been tagged in a photo with an ex who he'd had a long distance relationship with that I know has moved closer to him since I've been gone. The date on the photo is the day before he had his freak-out with me, meaning that he'd lied to me about where he'd been that week. What's worse, is that I know that the photo wasn't there before and I think that somehow he wanted me to see it. As you might imagine, I'm feeling very confused and betrayed. I don't know if I should take him telling me about his lie in this way as a confession or as a cruel way to push me away because I have seen him so vulnerable, and honestly, I think our relationship gave him a possibility of love that he's never had before. The question that remains with me is not whether I should be involved with this man. Clearly he needs help that I can't provide. What I want advice about is whether or not I should call him on his shit and confront him about his actions. I feel that I deserve an explanation. But I am not sure that engaging with him is not going to make me feel worse. If anyone has any advice or insight, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

[basilandthyme]

Brunhilde, I'm sorry this didn't work out for you. Thing is, you could confront him - but how would you know that his response would have any truth in it? You are very likely to walk away from the experience none the wiser than you were before.,...and look like a crazy woman for confronting him in the first place.

My vote is to protect your dignity: I suggest you just walk away.

[TablesandChairs]

Is it possible some of his 'issues' are a bit of an act or a way to deflect guilt? Do you really want to be with someone who can't handle a bit of time apart for work purposes. I would casually say 'I noticed you were tagged in a photo with your X on such date when you said you'd be doing X - that's fine, it's your life...but I don't see why you need to lie. Seems you're not up for a serious relationship". Or something to that effect. I guess that might give you some clarity or at least the opportunity to say your piece.

If he has deep-seeded issues, maybe it's for the best.

[michelle23]

Just delete him from FB. He will get the message loud and clear. You can do better than him. Move on and good luck

[4 ratties]

I would just let it go.. Calling him on his crap will probably do no good it doesn't sound like this guy can change or is even willing to change. I know your point isn't to get him back, but your not going to make him feel bad or guilty. He sounds pretty selfish to be not contacting u when in a relationship and then hanging out with an ex. I would just stop all communication and if he contacted you.. Tell him it's over and leave u alone

[Jffs24]

Walk away.

[namemyname]

Brun - I would confront him. ONLY for your own sense of closure. Don't be accusatory, just share your feelings.

I just went through this with someone who has zero communication skills. NONE. He had me in a tailspin, because he couldn't convey the simplest of thoughts or emotions on his part. It was constant avoidance, denial, excuses, ignoring questions...

Anyway, even though I didn't want to, I did end up confronting him about how he hurt me. I can't say I got anything out of it, because he stayed true to type, but at least I felt better for standing up for myself. If what I said made the tiniest of impact for him to change for the next woman, then I'd done a good thing there, too.

[smackie9]

I don't think he intentionally betrayed you. People who suffer from anxiety usually get so overwhelmed can't control their actions and end up hurting others. As for the ex he probably turned to her for mental support and is grateful to her for helping him through this separation anxiety he is experiencing. He obviously doesn't want you to see how bad mentally he can get, so he is distancing himself. So you see your perspective on this might be wrong.

But since you see what you are up against, this isn't someone you should be involved with anyways.......he's way too damaged, even if he is lying to you or not. You are best to just walk away and don't look back.

[michelle23]

I have anxiety. I can control myself though and have excellent communication skills but my anxiety has been bad for 4 yyears-comes and goes.. But id still never do anything to hurt anybody. Im straight as the come. No BS, no games, not afraid to say what i think even if people dont always like it. Id rather be an honest anxious fool than a passive aggressive liar any day

[brunhilde]

Thanks for the advice. I think that I will confront him after a while, once I regain my composure and can do it calmly. There was just too much shared between us to just slink away as if my feelings are the thing to be ashamed of, rather than his cowardly behavior. I've backed down from conflict in almost all of my previous relationships for fear of looking stupid, crazy, etc. And I think that the most empowered thing I can do is to let him know how I feel regardless of his reaction to it. I know him well enough to know that he is capable of being very defensive, but I think the message will sink in eventually. He's definitely got issues but is not a bad person overall. Hopefully being held accountable will help him to be the man I know he really wants to be, but is definitely not yet.

[ashly88]

Id say confront him and who gives a **** if u look crazy. Its assholes and cowards that make people look like crazy people. And was he really upset about everything he was saying he was upset about? or was it the ex that was triggering these emotions you believed were from other things???

[smackie9]

I have anxiety. I can control myself though and have excellent communication skills but my anxiety has been bad for 4 yyears-comes and goes.. But id still never do anything to hurt anybody. Im straight as the come. No BS, no games, not afraid to say what i think even if people dont always like it. Id rather be an honest anxious fool than a passive aggressive liar any day

And again Michelle this isn't about you.......

[JoeyJR]

Geez.

RUN AWAY