Can I trust her? ((Epic Post))

[TallStrong]

I'm going sort of crazy right now. Or I always have been, probably the latter.
Anyways I've been with my friend [she doesn't like the title GF since I broke up with her and got back together with her and she thinks I was afraid of the title GF/BF for each other. Which is not true but more on that later.] since Jan. I was dating my Ex and my current girl at the same time back in Jan. I know, I'm a cheater. It is the BIGGEST mistake I have ever made in my life to be honest. I thought it was fun but it hurt me more than it ever did anyone else. I broke up with my Ex is Mid-April and it's completely over. In fact, her new BF told me to stay away from her or she'd call the cops and she was afraid of me. I dunno if that's true but I never hit her, only lied to her but I know that's crappy to do too. I'm no saint, not at all but since I've had time to think about my life and my decisions I regret a lot of them. It took me a long time [I'm in relationship therapy now, just me, but I'd like to get my girl in on it for a session or two but I worry it might scare her. I have an intense personality and she is a bit more carefree.] to realize I am not the great and awesome character I'd like to think I am. I am the bad guy but I am on the right path and doing good. I'm rambling.

Well the biggest things that trouble me are that I've told her I don't want to hear about her Exs or past AT ALL. Talk about ANYTHING else. It bugs the hell out of me. I've told her at least 6 times and it was one of the reasons for the break up in May, before I graduated college. Actually like 2 days before I graudated, did not attend the ceremony, I broke up with her and she said it caught her totally off guard and she was hurt and angry. I didn't think she'd care at all, I felt taken for granted and was pleasantly surprised she cared about us and me. That was the main reason I worked hard to get back together with her. I think she thinks things are pretty good now but in my head I'm in serious turmoil. I invest a lot of time, money, effort and mental energy into a partner and sometimes I feel she isn't as invested or emotionally-desiring as I am. When I am with her everything is just like 200% better. I want to get a place with her, and cuddle with her every night, etc and she likes the idea too when I mentioned it. The worst thing about my cheating earlier was that when she's out or at a friends house playing video games [she tells me] I assume she's fooling around on me. That's the crappy thing about cheating on someone, is that it makes you suspicious too. It is torture, seriously.

I have substitute behaviors like when I get really angry, [not at her specifically] I do pushups till it passes. It goes away everytime after like 10. I go to the gym a lot, 7 days a week. I lift weights and focus on what she has told me in the past or other people have told me and I am in a tunnel mode and just get so much stuff done. Like I incline benched 225 for 7 reps and that was a big increase from my previous best at 135 lbs for 10 reps. Lots of other weight increases like my dumbbell row went from 120 to 230 lbs. I just was like "lets get it done and F the pain." So it happened. At first it was awesome to make new weight and keep eating a lot of protein and i put on some good size but after a while my feelings weren't as intense and now I am more focused on the weight and I don't go into RAGE mode and just knock it out. I am more controlled and proper form. I've never hurt myself in the gym seriously but I did fracture my ankle doing something stupid. I have a very high pain tolerance to be honest. I have been working on that and trying to FEEL more. Seriously, some times I feel like a complete robot. I have to ASK myself "does this hurt?" and only then do I have an answer yes or no. I can't just FEEL stuff anymore in the gym. I just go for it. I squatted 315 for 4 reps and I look back at that when my personal best was 185 and struggling like hell for 4 reps. I look back at those crazy workouts and it really doesn't feel real at all. Every now and then I get really angry and need to go the gym and knock it out. Running never takes away the anxiety or anger but weight lifting does and that's why I love it. But on the days I am really sore [you can imagine, actually right now my left elbow is pretty messed up and I can't curl anything which is annoying] and can't lfit much I go to the gym just to be busy. I am filling out job applications at least 10 a week and have not gotten any luck. One interview but that didn't go anywhere. I need more structure in my life, I know it. The gym is something I definitely overuse and I know but it works and if I didn't have that as an outlet things would be a lot worse I know.

But I love her. She is smart, caring, driven, educated, a democrat [plus in my book], we have the same values and beliefs and she is sexy as hell. That is a HARD combination to find all in one person. Believe me and I'm sure you guys know what it's like. I told her she's like a great bag of trail mix and she liked the analogy. All the good pieces put together make a good bag of trail mix, just like all of her good qualities make up her. Hard to find and valuable. I am so tired of looking for a new partner and getting hurt [I am more sensitive type of guy I know. I don't date for a "piece."] We've not had sex because of various reasons. First is that we both live at parents homes and not privacy unless hotel and overnight trips, etc. I did go down on her the day before yesterday which I really wanted to do as did she. I love giving and am great at it so I think doing that helped strengthen the relationship. She told me she came 3 times and that is not a record for me at all while eating girls but I did appreciate the strategic value of sex making the relationship better.

One of the things that really made me wary of getting into a relationship with her is that she is very blunt and honest. Better than being sneaky I guess but I'd like it to be somewhere in between. I asked her how many guys she's been with and she said 15. That really floored me and I felt physically ill. We were driving together and it wasn't really possible to just leave, which is what my head was screaming. She explained the circumstances of the relationships which in a nutshell was due to a scary time in her life and she used guys as a distraction. I mean that just scared me and I didn't want to be number 16. That idea drove me crazy. I need to be valued, appreciated, etc and I kept her at arms length for most of June. I've told all this to my psychiatrist and one of my goals in therapy is to just STICK with the relationship until it is not workable. I have a pattern of running away from girls that scare me but my Dr. said no relationship is perfect and the good ones take work. The problem is that the day could be going great and she starts talking about an Ex [She is Bi so she talks about guys and girls she's dated. I don't know if the word Dated means she's been sexual or maybe that's just my head trying to F me and make me more jealous and suspicious?] and I feel like someone came up and popped my balloon and I feel horrible. I know she knows I don't like it but we've talked about it. She doesn't mind the past because it's the past and it doesn't bother her and she says the past has shaped her into what she is now and doesn't regret the past. I just can't fathom that. Does that mean she liked sleeping around like a whore with those 15 guys? I've been with 4 people in my life and 2 I regret like hell. My first was horrible with an older woman and I don't what to say I was raped but I wasn't really willing. My 2nd was my Ex who I loved deeply even though I treated her like crap near the end of the relationship. I was with my Ex for nearly a year. The 3rd and 4th were girls I cheated on with my Ex. One girl totally used me like a little F toy and I didn't care because I was confused and hurt with why my relationship with my Ex wasn't going so well. The 4th I was lonely and also cheated on my Ex. I knew I could get sex from her [oral, not penetrative] and she was really lonely but smart and discreet.

I hate myself for cheating but I need to let go of the past and just work on the future, I know. It's just so hard. I want all of my actions to matter, to make a difference now that I am with my current girl. I am trying so hard to do what my head says is a good idea and what my psychiatrist says I should do, but sometimes I just feel wore out from worrying so much. I over-think everything. I think about thinking about thinking. It's hard not to, to just let go. I always need to be in control and my girl knows that and pokes fun at me sometimes which I can take a joke don't get me wrong.

She doesn't see sex as a big deal whereas to me it's a huge deal. Huge. It means commitment to me [now it does. Back when I was a cheating ass it was different, i know that will be pointed out by you guys] and we've cuddled a lot and she even slept over at my dorm at college [we were both seniors and we both graduated] but we never fooled around, only made out. Once at my dorm she really liked it making out and then slipped a hand into her underwear and fingered herself. I was taken aback. She just does stuff and it surprises me. I sort of like it because she's different from other girls but other times I feel she is unpredictable and so carefree I wonder if she loves me like I love her with the same intensity? I ask her and she always says she does and gives me little gifts and stuff but I wonder at times her level of commitment. She told me she could see herself married to me and I liked that a lot because I was thinking of that too. I wanted us to save our money and get a place together after we got jobs but she said it'd be a bit soon and that was a big let down but I can see that maybe you'd want your own place before tossing all ur chips in with a partner you've known for less than 6 months. I get it I guess. I just get upset when things don't go my way. When she shows me love I feel like a puppy getting it's belly rubbed, I love it so much. I know she is sincere and she's not just doing it for me, because I can tell the difference. I don't know what she expects me to feel a lot of the time and I used to tell myself before therapy to just STFU in my head but since therapy and continued therapy I've been working hard, and making progress, about verbalizing my feelings [I grew up in a very emotionally-suppressed family. I remember my father slapping me for crying and spanking me a lot.]. Or at least just giving myself permission to FEEL. It sounds weird I guess but it has totally changed my mind and in a good way. I try to acknowledge my strong feelings instead of just pushing them away.

I love to cuddle and be with her, hugs, kisses, little notes, give her flowers, candy, massages, etc. I don't feel I get that back as much as I want. I figure maybe she's afriad to be clingy [I love clingy by the way] and I'd leave again. I totally didn't press the issue of her being my GF once we got back together and I just let us get back to a good place when we got back together after the 1st breakup. My mind wasn't on sex, or anything serious, just being there for her and doing adventures, roadtrips, hanging out, etc. Then she asks if I'm sexually attracted to her and that takes me off guard. Things sort of come out of no where with her, statements and stuff and I'd like a bit more of a heads up. Like say if I see her on a Monday and we have fun and good times then I see her on a Thurs she'll resume a Monday conversation like no time had passed and that sort of takes me off guard. It's not that I don't remember what we talked about but it's just odd you know?

She knows I'm jealous and I don't know how much it bothers her but I suppress 80% of my crazy thoughts and just try to go with the good vibes when they are there. I just wish she was more like my Ex, even though that statement would probably hurt her a lot to know that. She thinks she's hot Sh1t compared to my Ex. Overall my Ex was awesome, I just treated her like crap because I was immature, didn't appreciate her, and broke up with her and made up 6 different times. She was like a well i drained time and time again and eventually I just said "you deserve better" and she was all ready with my stuff in paper bags and said "Leave" and I did. I like how my Ex LISTENED to me and we thought a lot more simiarly. I joked that we should wear tin foil hats to block her mind-reading skills, it was like that a lot. She had a lot of baggage too but she re-assured me of her love and we had a passionate relationship, great communication, and never made me suspicious about her. I know I can't change my girl now but I wish she'd just respect my wishes regarding topics. She doesn't see the past as an issue and has told me she doens't want to date any of her Exs and she wants me. I loved to hear that and maybe i should just remember that whenever I feel anxious.

I just wonder when the breaking point of my new GF will be, if ever. Or should I just STFU and give it a few more months? I see my psychiatrist again on the 15th and I'll speak with her about these issues. I just want to hear some points of view until then. I see my GF again tomorrow at 5 pm. Her parents are away on a trip together so we get to have their nice condo to ourselves. She does have a dog but it left us alone when we had sexy time together. If only she could really see what was inside my head. I wonder what she would do.....

[michelle23]

I'm not gonna read all that. Look I think you have already caused too much damage to this relationship. You should let her go and keep working on yourself and eventually meet someone else who you may be able to have a healthy relationship with. Does this girl no you cheated on her? If not, then you cannot build a relationship around lies so fess up and then let her go. Yes you are jealous, insecure and have trust issues because you screwed her around so now you will always be terrified she will do the same. Its a known fact that people who don't trust themselves don't trust others and it causes anxiety and paranoia. I just read you wish she was like your ex? You are still being a selfish f**k!! What is the point getting therapy if you are gonna continue to hurt people? You dont really want this girl. SMH!! just let her go

[TablesandChairs]

Do you have ADHD? If not, calm down. You sound like a high maintenance boyfriend. I can actually sense that you're anxious/neurotic from your post.

You're young so go with the flow and see what transpires; the thing about comparing people to ex's is that they will never match up because they're different people with different qualities, behaviors and personalities. A lesson for you here is not to treat someone you really gel with like crap, because actual compatibility isn't easily come by; sure, you can come across someone smarter, hotter, richer...but compatibility is another thing. Maybe you currently don't have that. I'm not sure.

[Maple1714]

I think you have relationship OCD.

[4 ratties]

Keep going to therapy

[basilandthyme]

any chance of an abbreviated version?

[TallStrong]

Well I caught her texting another guy so i guess i know what pain means. Not sure really wtf I am doing with her at the moment. I don't trust her but I want to and think I'm being played. It always takes her at least 3 hrs to get back to me and she is unemployed so wtf is she doing all day?

And now she wants to go on long roadtrip and **** some sense into me [her words]. That sort of stunned me. Not even super attracted to her. I dunno what to do, please help.

[HeartIsAching]

tl;dr .

[michelle23]

Why are you with her? FFS break up with her and be on your own. You sound like an asshole btw.. SMH

[TallStrong]

I don't think I'm an asshole. I fully fess up to my mistakes in the past and am on the right path now.
I think I'll stick with it for a while longer. We have a big roadtrip coming up this Sat so maybe we'll make good relationship progress there. She's just so hard to read

[michelle23]

But you have no interest in her. Your settling for second best. You dont think shes beautiful, you wish she was like your ex, you hate her sexual past , you dont even reallylike her..
I dont know why a therapist would tell you to stay with he your not compatable. Your two totally different people.

Well dome for learning from the past and wanting to change. Thats good. But your not being fair to you or to her by staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy

i think you should be alone, work on yourself and healing. Both those girls were/are rebounds coz your not over your ex. Until you get over her and work on your issues-you will never be happy with anyone

the reason i called you an asshole is coz your stringing her along. Not coz of the past.