I Just Need Someone To Tell Me(epic long)

[lilly1185]

The first thing I'm going to say is, I don't blame you if the first thing you say to yourself is: tl;dr.

Intellectually, I know I just need to walk away from this. For some reason, I can't drag myself away from it until someone tells me to. Do not ask me why,
and I know the more I bang this out on the keyboard, it's going to become glaringly ****ing obvious I need to just walk away. I'd just like for one person to read this (I know it's going to be incredibly huge) and tell me I'm not an idiot for feeling the way I do.

I started seeing this guy back in October-ish. Things started off great as all relationships do. January-ish he broke up with me. No particular reason WHY, he just did (there were varying reasons to accompany this; he needed his space. At which point we were seeing each other MAYBE twice a week. Then because he didn't know why he just did...), but every reason he did give seemed pretty weak. My cousin was of the opinion he'd found another girl who caught his interest. I don't know if I believe that but whatever. About 6 hours later he decides he made a mistake. Things go back to normal. Sort of?

It seems fit to mention he's a bit (okay, a LOT) of an alcoholic. High-functioning I guess, since he doesn't go to work drunk, but the moment he clocks out (almost literally) he's got a bottle in his hand.
Pot and painkillers (which I am in no way a fan of for recreational purposes) were an occasional vice, but nothing too big that I couldn't just ignore it. After all, I only saw him twice a week and he never did it in my presence.

Fast forward a couple of months, and I was actually on a combo painkiller and muscle relaxer for an arm injury that put me out of work. I'll admit I was seriously out of it for the week I was on medications, but he saw fit to tear into me about "being a pill head". Everytime I tried to carry on a conversation with him, he would sort of tune me out with the "uh-huh" and "yeah"s of what I refer to as "boyfriend auto-pilot". When I asked him about it is when he launched into the Pill-head spiel, and he used such phrases as "feel like I'm talking to a retard".
Because of the amount of hurt that caused me emotionally, I pulled myself off the medications completely and dealt with the pain.

Some time ago I had a forum-question asking about BV, STDs, or something that I had caught post-sex with this guy. Turned out it was just a nasty yeast infection (...prescription cream did take care of it), but before I made it to a doctor we had a HUGE fight about STDs. I had asked him if he'd ever been tested, and that immediately launched the attack of "it must have come from you, I can't believe you cheated on me". I've always noticed a pattern in his defensiveness, but he NEVER wants to talk anything about our relationship out.
Ever.

Our most recent argument stemmed from this;
I have finally started school again. I enrolled during the summer because it was the SOONEST I could get classes. I'd decided to go to his house to get some school work done as I needed a quiet place to study and my mom agreed to watch my little one (ok, he's 2) while I pounded out some work I'd gotten behind on.
Boyfriend was okay with the arrangement, saying he didn't have anything planned, I was welcome over and he would play games and stuff to keep me company but not distract me.
The MINUTE I got over there his newly-moved in room mates (read; friends from high school that had no where else to go) came barging into the house demanding everyone go to the pool.
After a good 20 minute distraction they left and I was finally able to get my work done.

That night, yet another argument occurred. Apparently, he gets really upset when I text when we hang out. 9 times out of 10 these texts are directed to the person watching my son, just so I can check in, make sure he's okay ect. Somehow, this turned in to him indirectly stating he was upset I was playing World of Warcraft, or that I had given a few guild members my phone number because it seemed like they were always texting me. ONCE I let him know I'd missed a raid, but it blew up into "Everytime I'm texting, it must be to my guild member."

After three days of not talking, I finally texted him, and asked him "Are we serious or can't/shouldn't we bother to work this out?" his replay was "I think we're ok for now."
For now, to me, means a lot of different things.
It either sounds like he's keeping me on the back burner,
anticipating a break up,
or I'm just plain over analysing it.
So I replied "For now?"
at which point I got the "Ug, Stop."
and no more response from him.

I don't know at this point if things went to hell because of him (before me, five year long relationship and the girl cheated, so I may just be a rebound turned sour?), or because of me, but I would assume that if someone was serious about someone else, they wouldn't want their girl/boyfriend wondering if their relationship was over, having no clue if it was, or let them walk around carrying this enormous hurt.
Every time I *try* to talk to him, he immediately jumps into this defensive, even nasty stance. It may be that he's partying too hard with his friends, but I'm getting frustrated. *We* haven't gone out and done anything together in months. I got yelled at for not going to the pool ("You have time time to text, but not time to come swimming."). He doesn't come see me, and I'm getting resentful about it.

The tail end of the last argument we had, he was pretty much deciding how I was thinking and feeling. When I told him to "stop shoving words down my throat," I got the "That's what happens when you watch too much Fox News" line.
I don't know if there is anyway to CONVEY how I'm thinking or feeling to this person anymore, but I'm highly starting to doubt if it's worth it.
Feel free to slam me, ignore me or advise, and thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.

[xxazurexx]

I'd have been out of there and as soon as he started spewing 'You're a pillhead', 'It's like talking to a retard'....

One thing I wouldn't stand for, is any form of abuse - verbally, emotionally or physical.

I would also dislike the fact that he had a bottle in his hand at every opportunity, that his occasional vice is pot and painkillers.

He sounds too much like hard work.

I couldn't be bothered with the drama and I wouldn't waste time on even trying to figure this guy out.

[lahnnabell]

This guy is a young boy. He has no sense of responsibility, no idea how to accept the decisions he makes. He looks at every bad thing in his life at something that was done TO him. He's insecure, which is why he throws all his negative energy onto you. He doesn't know how to deal with it, so he makes it your problem. You lack the self-respect to be done with him for good. Once you truly realize that he's by no means the best you can do, you will want to move on and never look back. You can start making steps toward that, or you can continue to wallow in this horrid situation. It will not improve if you decide to stay. He's aware of how much he's already gotten away with, even if he doesn't see it in such black and white terms. He has grown comfortable with the fact that you are comfortable taking his BS.

Call his bluff and tell him to f*ck off. Don't take his calls. Don't respond to him in any way. Should you break No Contact, you'll be back at square one.

[Kyouhen]

This guy has a lot of deep rooted emotional problems, and to sift through every single one just to be respected like a normal girlfriend is far from worth it, your best bet is to cut things off with him face to face so you have no doubts and move on.

He will be on a downward spiral if he isn't already down one and is already taking you with him.

Also if he is truly worth it in your heart and he truly wants to be a better man, a break up with much needed time apart will do you both good.

But it must be a break up that YOU decide, not a mutual agreement, you must make him feel like he lost something due to his own problems, because honestly that dude is hiding from his own vices.

[Gigabitch]

What a ****ing asshole. Cut him loose.

[vashti]

I wouldn't tolerate an alcoholic/addict. I don't know how you could have stayed with him this long.

[lilly1185]

You've all given me a lot of stuff I needed to hear-
In retrospect it doesn't feel like we've been together that long. Over the last two months we've seen each other maybe three or four times.

Though I'm not thrilled about admitting I've been taking the verbal abuse from this side.
I think I'm more hurt over the fact that, when I walk away, he's not even going to notice, than I am about actually breaking up with him.

I don't feel like I've invested anything, or anything good has been nurtured. I'm more pissed about having wasted my time.
Thanks all. I feel less like a jerk for wanting to give up.

[oneandonly]

I know this comment won't help much but I always told myself I would never get involved ( nor carried on any relationship) with Womaniser, Gambler or Alcoholic. That's sort of principle I've always had.

You are basically addicted to him and him being around, which you can break off. It's hard but can be done. He does't seem to be much of a father figure anyway which you should take into account when you have a child.

Good luck!

[lilly1185]

I know this comment won't help much but I always told myself I would never get involved ( nor carried on any relationship) with Womaniser, Gambler or Alcoholic. That's sort of principle I've always had.

You are basically addicted to him and him being around, which you can break off. It's hard but can be done. He does't seem to be much of a father figure anyway which you should take into account when you have a child.

Good luck!

He doesn't make a lot of time to come see me, so I'm always the one driving to his place. He seems really uncomfortable around children- he's an only child.
Long story short, my son and my boyfriend have little to no interaction with each other. I'm not really comfortable introducing another man into my son's life. So far, it's proved to be a good idea :/

[Teddy057]

Any women involved with a "functioning alcoholic/ pot/ painkiller addict" should have very cold water poured on them to wake them the fu** up. Do you think this guy is responsible? Mature? Someone you could introduce to your son? I mean, holy shit, this guy runs to drugs to escape reality. Why would you ever be involved with such a train wreck of a person? You're better off spending your free time raiding on wow then with this waste. Maybe if you're after companionship or something you should look for someone A LOT more mature?

[Cbrider]

He's still reeling from his last relationship. When you get burned like that, you get defensive and nasty until you can bring yourself around full swing again. Either way, it doesn't excuse him and his behavior.

YOU need to walk away, this guy is unstable and self medicating. He sounds like hes about a handful of words short of decking you. You're a mother, you can't defend yourself, how can you defend your son?

The texting when your together thing is the only legitimate thing that would get to me. I've not dated a mother, so your case is different. I know for me that attention to a phone over me when we're together burns my candle at both ends really fast. That's all my opinion though

[Kaius]

Keep your son AWAY from ANY bf until it's serious with full commitment. Little kids don't need a new man every few months to enter their life.
Also, you guys need to mature up before finding a mate. Personal growth is more important that casual sex/dating.
I am 35, and I just discovered how immature and messed up I am. My GF told me I have a lot of growing up to do, so
I'm working on that. See?

[IndiReloaded]

Like you posted, you already know what you need to do. Great vent. Do what you know is right. There is no point delaying. Good luck.

[cmacattack1]

I wish I had something incredibly deep and riveting for you to give you that bulb turning on thought bubble in your head but I think you already know what needs to be done and everybody has echoed it very well. It's so much easier for us to point out what kind of things are not tolerable, but when you are in the situation, it's not so simple. It all comes down to the majority of the problem is how very little self aware he is. I'd like to say that love can change him and turn him around for the better, but it just reminds me of me when I wasn't ready for a relationship but thought I could still do it and thought that if we were meant to be, it would magically work and I'd be on this fantastic auto pilot ride to happiness. I got through maybe four months and I just tuned out. My priorities were messed up. Does this sound familiar?

For those with little self awareness, it takes a real cold hard lesson to snap them back to reality. That's what it took for me and even though I lost somebody great, I grew for the better. If it makes it any easier on you, this decision is actually helping him while helping you. It is giving him an opportunity to look at himself in the mirror and take responsibility for ruining something that had the potential to be great. What he does with that is up to him and it may be very true that you didn't mean enough to him and this will go by unnoticed. Sad. Sooner or later, the question will be "how many people am I going to lose before I realize I'm the one ****ing up here?" Anyways, that's his journey and none of your concern really. I just can relate playing the dickhead, unaware boyfriend to a tee.

You are looking out for your best interests and you are doing what you want to be happy. He doesn't make you happy anymore. That's all you really need. Best of luck to you and remember that his treatment of you does not reflect how much self worth you have. He doesn't know what he has.

[IndiReloaded]

Colin, one of these days you are going to make a thread so we can discuss your issue. I notice you post an awful lot about this girl you lost--it comes up in many of your best posts--and I think its time to move past that. Shit happens and you are still beating yourself up a bit mentally about it. Maybe?

It does lead to some thoughtful, brilliant posts from you. But I'd really love to read soon about how your awesome self has met a new girl who is benefiting from your epiphany. Seems a waste, otherwise.

*kiss*