How did I become such a doormat? Why am I so afraid?

[Ginger2013]

Hi Everyone,

Just looking for some further advice. I was on this board a while back asking for advice. Short said, I'm in my first serious relationship, I'm 45. We are trying moving in together, he's neglecting the relationship and was being verbally abusive. After many arguments, discussions, he's gotten better. I know I might get the "told you so" comments from those who wrote before, and I guess it's rightly deserved, I'm clouded by emotion and insecurity at the moment. We had another argument tonight...this was different, because I didn't back down, he told me to leave. Leave meaning break up. Being midnight my time, I became submissive and we talked for an hour. He admitted he didn't want me to leave, but he said it in anger. He also stated that if we argue like this again, that he'd also want me to leave.

Just because I submitted at the time doesn't mean I've forgotten. Please tell me nicely that I'm a doormat and why this is not going to work out? It sucks terribly, I've never met anyone who has 99% of the same interests as me. It's his damn immature temper. Tonight he blamed it on his military upbringing...am I being unfair by not taking that into consideration when we fight? He argues in absolutes and commands.

I can't bring myself to leave, I wish I had someone here to just lift me out of this situation. I know I'm weak (he told me that once). I feel like a battered woman with the syndrome...I've been a strong woman my entire life, why am I such a weakling in this situation? I don't depend on him financially, I have my own interests...I don't know what's wrong with me. There are plenty of guys out there, what is my problem?

Why can't I take your good advice? Gosh I need a friend and a big hug, and probably a kick in the ass.

Help?

[basilandthyme]

Ginger, I'll give you a hug and a kick in the ass. But don't be too hard on yourself - it was only a week or so ago that you started posting here. You're not going to get your head around the situation immediately.

Please do not accept his behaviour because of his military background. Even if he had the worst childhood one can imagine, it still gives him no right to be abusive towards you.

Let's get to practicalities here: do you have somewhere to go? Friends or family who can take you in while you get a new place sorted out? For that matter, have you told anyone close to you how he's treating you? At this point, I believe it's important to start formulating a plan to get away.

[michelle23]

The reality is this man has no emotional intelligence. He would rather spend all his time on the computer or other distractions instead of spending time with you. Hes abusive and he makes excuses all the time for bad behavior. A doormat will stay with someone they know is bad for them in the hope that one day he/she will someday "change". A doormat is a person who has so little self-worth that they honestly believe they cannot do any better or they have a fear that they will never get over this person or love anyone else as much as they love him/her.

The reality is that people don't change and once you meet a person who is emotionally and mentally healthy and once you experience what a real relationship should be like and see how a good man treats you-you will realize that what you have now with this man is NOT love and it never was.

You just have to find the strength and courage to leave now. You should do it while he is at work. I fear for your safety. If he is capable of verbally abusing you like that over something as minor as his tape measure going missing-then I dread to think what else he is capable of. When he leaves for work, pack all your things as fast as you can and get out of there before he comes home.

Fresh start, new chapter, new man, better life It will all be worth it

The best way to end it is quickly and efficiently and once you make the leap-NEVER allow yourself to look back

[Ginger2013]

Thanks so much for the replies...thank goodness I still have my apartment, it hasn't rented yet. We were trying to live together at his place. I'm at my place right now actually, doing lots of thinking. I probably won't go back, but for my stuff. Just as I posted last night, he came into the bedroom all apologetic as usual...we talked a bit and I left an hour later. I hate this. I know I can do better and deserve better...it's just hard to take that first step! I feel like crap though, I have to admit.

[Wakeup]

If you have your apartment, then why didn't you just go there when he told you to leave. That is the very first step you need to get out of this hell your life is.

Go back while he's gone and get all of your stuff that you absolutely want and need and forget the rest. Leave him a note that its over and get on with your life without him in it. Won't be easy but if you go back now then what does that say about you? Really? If you need help then go to the woman's abuse site and vent there. They will give you good advise about how well they are now doing since getting the councelling they needed while getting the monster out of their lives for good.

GET THE **** OUT before you have children with this man and if you already do (can't remember) then shame on you for allowing them to remain in this man's life and teaching them that what you put up with is normal only to end up in the same type of crap life you now find yourself in.

You are a woman. You have inner strength that you were born with that you need to tap into that will prevent you from allowing yourself to continue to be abused like you have been. Yes! you are in a totally emotionally abusive LONELY relationship where he expects you to just shut up and accept his indifference to you and your own needs. **** Him. Don't be afraid to be without someone that isn't satisfying your needs in the least. One of the most lonely places is to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't even like you but profess to love you. pfffft.

I'll hug you when you tell me you've left for good and have gotten the appropriate restraining order in place if need be.

[pcmaster]

Yeah when you meet a good boyfriend hes gona see only good things in you and the bad things he will want them too because they create balance in a personality. Anyway good boyfriend sees good things in you that even you dont see from first moment and he will say that you are beautiful every day. You know that you are together with someone thats good for you when your confidence goes up, when you feel encouraged to be yourself.

But if you feel like a shit with him then run and dont look back ! You better alone with your own beautiful inside world. Dont be tohether with pig who will rob you from your healty positive emotions and leave worse than before.

Find a people that you dont feel lonely with who can support you emotionaly and make you feel like your not alone in your problems. It will be much easier to leave once you see the diference from positive impact they make on you.

[VerticalMoon]

Ginger, you HAVE taken the first step. Moving out of the apartment you shared, and into your own apartment is a huge step! Now you just have to maintain it. Pick up your stuff, and break off contact with him. It's tough because you had so many dreams of what you were hoping for, and now you have to admit to yourself that it won't come true. It doesn't make you weak though. It just makes you human. Breaking up is rarely easy. But you can do it, and you are doing it!

Just keep at it. Try to stay busy with friends and family when you begin to miss him. Remind yourself of what your life with him was really like. Don't let yourself go back.

A military upbringing is NOT an excuse for a grown man to be verbally abusive. There are many people from that type of a background who are not like this. If it's really an issue for him, then he needs to get help and solve the problem before he's ready for a relationship. It's not something anybody who's in a relationship should ever have to put up with. Good for you for recognizing that and getting out.

[TablesandChairs]

Ginger, I think some people have a way of bringing out the 'weakness' in us. I was with a guy who intimated me - he argued in such a way that I was scared to really argue back and he was controlling in such a way that didn't look like control outwardly...but very much was. In a way, it was worse than violence - had he hit me, I would have easily said 'right, that's it' but he had this manipulative way of convincing me I was in the wrong. Looking back, he was a nightmare.

If you feel this way, it's not good - it wasn't for me and it's not for you. Not saying the situations are exactly the same but don't underestimate the importance of feeling comfortable around your partner (not like you're a little puppy trying to avoid angering your master). Screw the shared interests, it's more important not to feel uneasy around your partner than it is to like the same music or whatever.

[horndog]

There is somebody there to lift you out of the situation...... You. If that's what you want you just need to be strong, lean on friends and family and just do it.

[michelle23]

Ginger you have already taken the first step. You are in your own apartment. Go back now and get your stuff while he is at work. You are a strong woman, you have come so far with your depression. Don't allow this man to drag you back down into that pit of despair. You need to keep moving forward and sometimes you have to be a little ruthless when it comes to getting rid of the garbage in your life. This man is no good for you. He is a verbally and emotionally abusive bully! He will destroy you if you let him. You are in control of your life. Only spend time with those that make you happy. You are worth it

[Ginger2013]

Thanks
I haven't gone back yet because he's off on vacation, but I do intend to. I have all the important stuff with me at this point. He started texting me a few hours after I left and I had to shut my phone off. I got emails, phone messages etc. I called him back yesterday and told him it was over and why. He claims he's going to work on the anger, I told him it wasn't good enough, just the words and empty promises. I still love him, but life is too short for misery. I'll get over it. He says he'll prove to me he can change, I don't know how he can, I don't think it's possible. Anyway, I guess I'm single again, hope it's not for another couple of decades. And Michelle, you're right, I have come so far (on my own mostly too), managing the depression and getting my own life to a state of somewhat normalcy, I can't go back down that pit, I refuse to for anyone. This board is such a wonderful outlet and support system. I have no friends, none stuck around during my depression years, and I never made new ones. All family members have passed away. I felt so alone. I still do, but at least I don't feel like I did a few days ago.

[michelle23]

Well done for being strong. Your right, he wont change. They are empty false promises. He had his chance and he blew it. Stay strong now and keep moving forward. Next time he tries to talk to you and win you back-just make it clear there is nothing he can say or do now to change your mind so he needs to accept its over and let you go without making this any more difficult than it needs to be.

Then get out and join a few hobbies and make new friends. Join a pottery class or art-whatever you find interesting and start talking to people. You will have a whole new circle of friends soon who you can socialize with and they can help set you up on a date with a good man.

It will all be worth it.

[Wakeup]

Thanks
I haven't gone back yet because he's off on vacation, but I do intend to. I have all the important stuff with me at this point. He started texting me a few hours after I left and I had to shut my phone off. I got emails, phone messages etc. I called him back yesterday and told him it was over and why. He claims he's going to work on the anger, I told him it wasn't good enough, just the words and empty promises. I still love him, but life is too short for misery. I'll get over it. He says he'll prove to me he can change, I don't know how he can, I don't think it's possible. Anyway, I guess I'm single again, hope it's not for another couple of decades. And Michelle, you're right, I have come so far (on my own mostly too), managing the depression and getting my own life to a state of somewhat normalcy, I can't go back down that pit, I refuse to for anyone. This board is such a wonderful outlet and support system. I have no friends, none stuck around during my depression years, and I never made new ones. All family members have passed away. I felt so alone. I still do, but at least I don't feel like I did a few days ago.

Sending you my e-hugs now. Don't let him hoover you back in when you're feeling a bit lonely. He needs professional help and if he hasn't gotten it, then NOTHING will have changed with him.

Cheers.

[michelle23]

Sending hugs and kisses too

[Ginger2013]

LOVE those hugs and kisses!