Trying to move on but finding it really difficult

[MonkeyGirl]

Hi all,

My bf ended our relationship 5 months ago; we were together for 2 years and I let him set the pace in our relationship so I could be certain he wasn't feeling pressured, he talked about our future together and wanted us to live together. Then he suddenly ended it, telling me he loved me but wanted to feel more. We both cried at the breakup and he wanted us to stay friends. After we broke up he was calling me 4 times a day and still wanting to do things for me. He said he wanted me to stay in his life. I couldn't deal with that and said we had to have no contact, then he went into meltdown, crying and constantly contacting me, begging for response. When I asked him what he wanted he said he just wanted to be friends. Again, I couldn't handle being just friends and I told him that he wasn't being a friend, he was acting like he wanted more and it was confusing me. I tried to move on without any contact and I basically struggled everyday with missing him so much. I kept this up for 4 months but I caved in a couple of weeks ago and contacted him; he told me he missed me, missed everything about us and was a fool for not being with me. We spoke everyday since then and when I finally asked him if he wanted to be with me he said no! He still wanted to find out if there was someone else out there for him. I feel like I am back to the beginning with getting over him. Why would he do that? Anyone got any insight? I don't understand why he knows he is a fool for letting me go but still doesn't want me.

[michelle23]

Hes an asshole. You need to cut ALL contact with him and move on. He has made it almost impossible for you to move on so far by giving you false hope and mixed signals. You need to tell him to f**k off and also throw in their for good measure that its his loss and he is a fool to let you go coz your the best thing he could ever have and if he doubts that-its his problem-the next guy wont let you go.

Seriously move on-he is an asshole.

In future stop being so cautious. Why should he be allowed to "set the pace". It should be equal. If your two passive and have no fire in your belly-its unattractive to a lot of guys. Be more fierce and passionate and go after what you want and in future if a guy isnt meeting YOUR standards or expectations-you get rid of him

[MonkeyGirl]

Wow! I know he is an asshole, deep down I know it. I think I'm finding it hard to accept that.

I let him set the pace only as far as commitment was concerned, I have been stung before with bfs that just went along with my wishes for an easy life. I was certainly not passive! He liked that I was independent and feisty.

He did give me false hope and mixed signals. I am not an idiot, I didn't read between the lines and second guess what he was trying to say, he actually said it plain.

He did that because he is an asshole, right?!

[michelle23]

You shouldn't let him set the pace as far as commitment goes. If your not getting the commitment you crave-its generally because hes not that into you and its better to just walk away. Obviously big commitment like living together, marriage, children is a big deal and he has to be 100% on board for those things. Any doubt and you shouldn't do it but if you want to see him 5 times a week and he only wants to 2 times a week etc that means your not compatible or if you know you are in love and want a future and he is not sure-walk away etc

Hes an asshole coz he dumped you and then tried to force you to be friends and didn't respect your wishes when you said no. And because of that recent message he sent you. He gave you false hope and sent you straight back to square one again when you were likely just beginning to heal and move on.

You need to accept its over. I know rejection stinks, it makes you want to cling on and seek approval etc but it happens to everyone and he just wasn't the right one. You will meet someone better.

I'll just add: if you keep getting burned by the same commitment phobic guys then perhaps you need to change your type. Maybe your attracted to the wrong ones. Don't change your standards or expectations for anyone but do try and figure out why this keeps happening and what you can do about it

[MonkeyGirl]

That's the thing; I didn't spot the commitment phobe in him because I thought he made a commitment; we lived in different homes but shared our living space, my stuff at his and his stuff at mine, spending only a few nights apart each week because of my work, keys to each others homes...

To be honest, as much as it hurts, I don't know why I'm wasting my breath (or typy fingers) on him. I feel like an idiot that he made my world crash down so badly. I feel duped!

[michelle23]

People break up all the time hun. I think if a relationship ends in the first few years, it means that you and he are just not compatible. He wants to see if there is someone better out there for him.. That tells me he is just in love with the idea of love and bails as soon as the infatuation/honeymoon period fades or that he just doesn't see a real future with you. Most people go through periods of doubt in a long term relationship. However, good strong couples don't break up during these times, they work hard to get back on track and to keep their love strong.

Its not your fault that it ended and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Plenty of guys would love you till the day they die. You just gotta find one who ticks all the boxes

[Maple1714]

OP - My ex did this to me....for over 3 years until I said enough. I had to be the stronger person and take control. He would tell me he loved me, flirt heavily with me, confide in me...not even correct someone when they referred to me as "his girl"...then he would disappear for a month or longer like nothing had happened btw. us. I would tell him I couldn't be his friend etc...he knew I was in love with him. He would say he had missed out and it was too late for us now and that he felt shitty about it...just all the same shit your ex has been saying to you. Thankfully, I never had sex with him after the initial break-up. In the end I just decided to tell him to F off...I had to be a bit harsh about telling him to NEVER speak to me again. I told him he was selfish, emotionally immature and a fool. It's one of the cruelest things to do to another person...use someone's love for you in selfish ways and be aware of what you are doing. It's abuse really. Get away from him...you don't really love a weak man like this do you?

[MonkeyGirl]

You are right. I love the man I thought he was and now I have to stop loving the man that he actually is; I think he is using my love to keep me in his life to satisfy his own emotional needs. He is still friends with some of his ex girlfriends and I don't think he knows what to do with me when I say I won't stay friends, other than to throw me a bone and keep me by keeping my hopes.

Reading all the advice here makes me want to shout 'yes, I know, I know!' My initial post came from a very emotional state; damn those emotions for clouding judgement.

Thanks all.

[Maple1714]

Hahah...go shout it out loud! Then be done with the loser!

And always remind yourself...as you are going through the process of moving on...that it's not you, it's him. He is a douche and a weak man. He was lucky to have you in his life at all.

My ex was the same...strung a lot of his ex's along. Why? B/c he is crazy and I don't really care why anymore. He is alone, has been alone and will end up alone.

[michelle23]

OP you need to make it clear to him. Be a b**ch. Its the only way. Flat out reject him in every way "i dont know what i ever sae in you, we will never be friends and even if you begged now-i wouldnt take you back. F**k you and your games, your mixed signals and your bulls**t. Get outa my life and stay out for good"

Just do it. Send the message and be done with him