My bfs ex has now moved in with him...

[j-white]

Wow, j-white, way to be a complete pussy.

Its not controlling and resentful to stipulate your boyfriend can't have his ex move in.

Mackie, do you really want this chick around ALL the time? Asking questions and feeling the situation out, isn't going to do you a bit of good. She is still going to be there, and you're still going to be uncomfortable. I think you should give him a timeline, and if she isn't gone by say, a month, then leave him. You seem incredibly gutless and weak though, so you'll probably just deal with the constant discomfort, which at this point you deserve.

Not everything can be fixed with a sledgehammer unfortunately

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This can be. A compromise does nothing for her in this situation. Anyway, like I said, she's right where she deserves to be.

[j-white]

This can be. A compromise does nothing for her in this situation. Anyway, like I said, she's right where she deserves to be.

I personally think the hard approach will end in them splitting up which isn't what she wants. Maybe it's the best thing but we don't know that yet.
I'm not saying to compromise, I'm just saying to go about this situation carefully.

You're right in that the ex needs to get out because they seem too close in my opinion, but to just tell him she has to go won't go down well with him, and just as importantly, his family. In fact it seems to me that maybe his family are trying to push them back together, they seem to like her an awful lot.

By the way I'm not saying his family's opinion is important but that they could hold some influence over the whole thing.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She is compromising her feelings and her self respect. It's obvious she is because she is questioning whether or not SHE is the one being unreasonable with her feelings. If her boyfriend isn't willing to not live with his ex, then he clearly is putting this woman above his girlfriend and what is the point of staying together?

[basilandthyme]

Mackie, I could be wrong, but I can't see that you've told him how you really feel. Have you gone as far as saying that you're uncomfortable with how close they are that you're currently trying to decide whether to stay or go? I think you owe it to him to be honest before ending things. Give him a chance to make it right.

[Maple1714]

OP - You should be totally honest with your BF and tell him it makes you feel unconformable. It does right? So tell him that. You don't have to be confrontational about it, or argue or yell or anything. Just tell him you want to cool things off with him while his ex is living in his house...b/c well it's not cool with you. Do not for a second be ashamed of how you feel or think that you are blowing it out of proportion. It's not some big drama, but it does bother you...so speak your mind and bow out gracefully. You don't need to give him any timelines...just don't have any contact with him until she is gone. If she doesn't move out with any quickness then you will see what type of BF he really is/was. You will see how important your relationship is/was to him.

[Starnique]

I really don't care for the bf either, what man is going even entertain that? I cant imagine any guy asking me that. They wouldn't. He's getting over on you. You shouldn't even be going thru this, OP. Seem like he would've been like, no. I'm sorry to hear what happened but I cant do that. He did that to you because he know you're kind of soft OP. Most men wouldn't even try that. How is that being unreasonable and making you the bad guy because you're not going for that BS about his ex staying with him. If his fam doesn't like you for that, they're ignorant and you're better off without.

[michelle23]

OP i think you are being gullible and naive. Hes spending time alone with her ALL the time, he still acts like her bf and you feel like a third wheel.

I think the only option is to break up with him. I also think he still has feelings for her and would take her back in a heartbeat if she wants that. I feel that you are likely second best to him

if your not gonna break up with him:then tell him you are not happy about this. Its too weird and you think he will develop feelings for her again and possibly cheat coz they spend so much time together (which is exactly wwhat will happen if he doesnt have feelings for her now-he WILL)

3 is a crowd.

[fraser]

I agree you need to actually speak to him about it!!

[Mackie]

Why did they break up?

Something like she thought they got too serious too young and wanted to cool it and he thought if you love someone you don't need to cool it and they broke up.

Wow you're in a really tough position here. You go about things wrong and you become the antithesis of this woman who he still respects greatly. That wouldn't be a good thing.

You should start by feeling out the situation. Ask him how long she'll be staying etc, small questions like this. The answers may be what you'd like to hear, or he may spot you have a problem and ask about it.
That's when you say you have a small insecurity about the situation or something, get your feelings out without coming across as controlling or resentful.

After just 5months you won't come out well if you make demands or put yourself against this woman.

I agree that I want to be avoiding a me or her situation because even thou I think he'd stand by me, his family would stand by the girl they've grown up with. Plus given her personal circumstances I din think I'll come off in a great light.

[Mackie]

Wow, j-white, way to be a complete pussy.

Its not controlling and resentful to stipulate your boyfriend can't have his ex move in.

Mackie, do you really want this chick around ALL the time? Asking questions and feeling the situation out, isn't going to do you a bit of good. She is still going to be there, and you're still going to be uncomfortable. I think you should give him a timeline, and if she isn't gone by say, a month, then leave him. You seem incredibly gutless and weak though, so you'll probably just deal with the constant discomfort, which at this point you deserve.

She is compromising her feelings and her self respect. It's obvious she is because she is questioning whether or not SHE is the one being unreasonable with her feelings. If her boyfriend isn't willing to not live with his ex, then he clearly is putting this woman above his girlfriend and what is the point of staying together?

I guess the thing is I feel like my bf's hands are probably tied to some extent - its not like it's his house, if he said he wanted her out then I'm pretty sure his sister at least would have something very forceful to say about that.
I dunno I feel like I don't deserve to come off looking the unreasonable one, which I will.
And I'm not gutless I just, I love him, I don't want to walk away and think - he was everything on your checklist and you didn't fight for him, I dunno.

[Mackie]

Yeah I haven't really spoken to him about it, mostly because Dane is just...so laid back, so easy going and very unconfrentational that I don't see he's a actually got many more options than I do!
I should talk to him, I will, I just wasn't sure before if I was just making a big deal out of nothing.

Saying that I do think he already kind of knows, he did say to like 'I know it's not ideal your bf's ex living with him but you've got nothing to worry about etc etc' when she first moved in. And to be fair to him he's always extra attentive to me when she's about!
And the only other person ive spoke to is one of his brothers gfs and she was telling me that there's no way Skye would ever do anything that would jeopardise her place in there family, that she's the one who stands to lose the most if she did and that they were talking about me the other day and she was saying she thought I was good for Dane - and I do like this girl but she is very good friends with Danes ex so wether she's just trying to smooth tings over I don't know.

[j-white]

My ex of 9 years recently almost lost her apartment, I told her she was free to stay in my spare room free of charge to get back on her feet if she needed to. She was my best friend for 9 years and I'd help her in any way I can.

If my new girlfriend told me she didn't like it, honestly it would be a hard situation for me because I wouldn't want to see my ex and good friend out on her ass you know.
If my girlfriend then started the Jerry Springer head movements and told me to get her out of my house then I'd instantly know what to do. The girlfriend is not my type and she'd be gone straight away!

However I would realise it's not ideal and I'd be doing everything possible to get my ex out and on her feet as quickly as possible.
If everything's as good as you say then I'm sure your boyfriend is too.

Could he possibly move in with you?

[michelle23]

j-white that is crazy! Most sane people would not be okay with your ex living with you. If you were my bf I would dump you as soon as you said "my ex needs a place to stay"

[j-white]

Well if I put anybody out on their ass and things went downhill for them, I'd never forgive myself. Having a girlfriend wouldn't bring me any comfort after that.
I honestly think I'd rather go single a bit longer knowing I'd done what I feel is the right thing.