I don't know how to feel in my relationship

[atir12]

Hi, everyone. I really need to vent and could use some opinion/suggestions on this because I feel like I don't have anybody with whom I can talk to about this.

I have a boyfriend whom I've been dating for about 4 months and I met him 9 months ago. I know I'm in love with him, but I feel like I can't understand him. He is a very rational, logical and thoughtful guy. He cares a lot about dysmystifying social constructions, thinks a lot about having an open mind and he's just very smart and intelligent. That is one of the things that attracts me the most about him. The thing is that I think he takes it too far. He literally has moments of deep sadness (almost like momentaneous short depressions?) because he feels alone in the world and as if the way he thinks is unique. He gets mad at society for not having an open mind and all those kinds of philosophical things.

What bothers me is that I do agree with what makes him think that way, but I just hate the way he then deals with it. He thinks everybody must feel the need to feel superior to others (because "we're free to do it"), he thinks it's okay to laugh and make jokes about my theist beliefs because "it's not because I laugh that I don't respect you" and I know his friends make jokes about me in regards to this (believing in God) and he doesn't do anything about it because "they're free to make jokes about it. It's just a joke". Now I do think it's possible to joke with something and still respect it, but it bothers me. I just feel like he is too much of a snob, an elitist and arrogant. And I don't know how to tell him that because I do agree with what makes him think the way he does. I just can't accept that he uses that to think he's the best and the others know nothing about anything.

And then I start having ideas of breaking up with him, because I just can't understand why he is like this and I don't think I can handle being with a person that has such a different way of displaying his beliefs. It's just frustrating. It's like I love and hate him at the same time. This is my first relationship and I'm just going crazy lately. I don't know, maybe I'm just unexperienced and I'm blowing things out of proportion, but has anybody been in similar situations? Thanks.

[Boisdevie]

It's pretty simple really. There are aspects to this guy that piss you off. But only you can decide if you are willing or unwilling to accept these negative aspects. But don't expect him to change because it's very unlikely he will. If it's the kind of thing that is likely to kill your relationship then at least talk to him about it. It's your first relationship so don't expect that it will work - it's unlikely - chances are you'll have many relationships before you meet the guy that really ticks all the boxes for you.

[atir12]

That was some very good advice, thank you!

The thing is that I really want this to work out, because he has some very nice qualities to him, as well. It's just very confusing. A part of me just thinks that I will probably never meet someone who is so considerate about other things, but then another thinks that I'm just overwhelmed because this was the first guy who actually showed a real interest in me and I don't know if I'm confusing that with being in love with him. I definitely want to talk to him about it, I just hope I can make him understand what I'm feeling.

[HeartIsAching]

He's experiencing a sophomoric response to the equivalent of intellectual masturbation. I lived in that mode for many, many years...

And one day I had an epiphany. There were FAR TOO MANY significant coincidences in my life, life-changing events that led to a desperately-wanted outcome, for me to continue to disbelieve in the presence of a creator that takes a personal interest in our lives. You may be able to sway him with the notion that "the creator" or "the universe" wants what's best for us, and doesn't particularly care what method of acknowledgement you use - or if you do at all.

But unfortunately, probably not.

[atir12]

Intellectual masturbation is what I call it as well. Funny you mention it! Of course he gets really mad and denies it because he thinks he's very smart and inteligent. The one thing that pisses me off is that he considers himself super open-minded, but then he belittles anyone who doesn't think like he does. Isn't that being close-minded with the people you think have a close mind?

[HeartIsAching]

Indeed it is.