Help and advice please

[st66]

Hi all, so i have posted on here a while ago explaining the situation with a friend of mine and myself having a very close relationship over the last few years which ended with us both saying we had strong feelings for each other which went on for a while after that. All through she had a boyfriend, split up now back together. They didn't have the best relationship, and I was told by her on many times during the split how she hated him etc for what he did. They got back together after she said he had contacted her everyday until the met up and talked and got back together at the start of the year, even after that it wasn't perfect and at one point she told me they both knew it won't last but she wanted him to break it off. They apparently had a conversation and now are wonderfully happy again. During al this time it was his birthday and we were all out together (I am friends with him but not a close friend by any means) during the night out for his birthday she was trying to get me to wear something in a certain way and when I wouldn't she said 'when your mine I'll convince you' they argued that night and I was the one she car to then the next day all wonderful.

This was the point I knew what I had to do and cut contact and move one. I went too a relationship councillor to help me deal with things as I wil admit I have never felt this strongly for someone. Over the last few months I have worked on it and the contact has dropped dramatically from contact everyday and her coming round every other night to only seeing her once or twice in the last few months, she contacts me once a week/fortnight and have a little text chat, has called me a few times when she has been out etc. She says she is gutted by what has happened but I have to look after myself which is still very hard. I need to have the chat were I say we have to cut contact let each other go etc but really don't know how to do it. As all the while I'm so upset of what I have lost as she was such a huge part of my life and she's not anymore. She has been contacting me a bit more recently. We saw each other at the weekend as she wanted to meet up so I thought i would give it a try, turned out I can't do it, her boyfriend is in the navy so lives away and comes back every other weekend, he was back when we spent the day together and I think they had a falling out and she wanted someone to talk to, not about them but other issues with friends she had, plus wanted some advice on phones etc which i get the feeling she doesn't get from the boyfriend.

They then as usual made up ad all ;great 'again'. She saw a friend of mine last night in the cinema when she was with her boyfriend and as I hadn't got back to my friend she was worried I was ok so was texting me when they got out saying just checking I was ok, hope I sleep well etc which felt a bit odd as she would of been ith her boyfriend. he goes away for a few months this weekend so going to be hard because I think she will be in contact so I have to say something otherwise she come to me for everything while he is away then it will all stop when he gets back and I'll be hurt again.

Anyway I thank anyone for reading this as I just needed to get some of it out, It's so upsetting as I'm not getting over it and I'm not expecting anyone to give me a quick fix I'm just maybe after some advice as I can't talk to many people about it as most of my friends know both of them and it would be awful if this got out.

Thanks in advance

[smackie9]

Ya it's hard to see how much of a bad person she is when you have those feelings for her. Dude she lies to get sympathy from you. I doubt her BF is 100% of the blame for making their relationship bad. And she is selfish, only looking out for her own self interest.

How do you stop her? You go hardcore no contact. Tell her to never contact you again, then block her number, block her on facebook, etc. You need to make it to be over.

[st66]

I'm no going hardcore no contact, but half and half, my problem I have is if I go full no contact and make it obvious then other people may pick up on it and wonder why after we have been so close for the last few years and that may lead to problems I can't deal with.
Small steps is the way to go for the first little while I think.

[Boisdevie]

Smackie has given you some good advice which you've chosen to ignore. I think you have made a poor decision.

[bubble]

Agree with the other two - you go half half and soon you'll be pulled back in. What does half half even mean? You have to cut her out, but you're obviously not strong enough to do that right now. It'll come to you after she keeps jerking you around.

[st66]

Smackie has given you some good advice which you've chosen to ignore. I think you have made a poor decision.

Smackie's advice is bang on and I know I have to do it I'm just trying to do it in a way that will cause me less hassle in the long run, if I go hardcore no contact I'll get reactions and hassle but if I do it slowly, in my opinion it will be easier, I mean for the last month or so I have stopped contacting her its just her contacting me when the boyfriend is away at work etc but the less i recipricate the less it will get, I have had my eyes opened this weekend and know I want to go no contact now it's just finding the easiest way to do it.

I appreciate all advice I get on here and won't just ignore it so thanks for all the help so far.

Bubble I know I'm not strong enough at the moment but i'm trying to get there as quick as I can, as this is all based on such a strong friendship first it's hard letting go but i know for my own sake I have to, I've not been in this situation before so still finding the best way to deal with it all.

[bubble]

I hope you figure it out and manage to do things in a way that's best for you. I would just like to add that you shouldn't worry as much about how people around you will react, but make sure to preserve yourself

[st66]

That's one thing I have really started to realise that I need to care more about how I am than the other people. My biggest worry is when I make the step to cut contact and other people notice because they will I will have to make up some excuse because if people knew the real reason then that would cause a lot of problems!
I will get here it's just tough, I'm also actively looking to meet new people and keep busy with my friends etc so slowly making the right moves, I hope

[smackie9]

That is why you got caught up in this mess in the first place....you are way too passive and when you are too passive people walk all over you....you need to grow a backbone and all of this drama and negativity will go away. Stop being so afraid to stand up for yourself.

[st66]

I completely agree with you and that attitude is exactly what I am going to work on and do agree it's one of my biggest flaws!

[st66]

Hi again all, so i've been doing really well since last post in not having hardly any contact and felt better about it. Her and her boyfriend were off on trips etc, I know because she was plastering it all over social media showing how wonderful rings are (I've now hidden her so I can't see it) It started to annoy me more than upset me but just carried on with my friends and enjoying myself.
He has now gone away for the next few months as of Friday so Saturday morning I get a text asking if I was out that night, left it a while and just replied no I'm not out, later that day got another asking if I as ignoring her to which I said no I replied, had a few replies but just left it. I went to a friends for dinner and have a lovely evening.
I was then woken up to phone calls at 3 in the morning, me being me stupidly answered it as I always answer a call at that time just in case something is wrong and would do to anyone, but thinking about it she tends to call me a lot when she has been out and he is away so should of ignored it, anyways I did, could tell she wanted to talk about a few things with her that I could tell she wanted advice for, plus she was drunk I was polite etc and we chatte and then I said right that's enough I'm going back to bed. Got a call at 9.30 when she woke up, started asking if I was busy as she wanted to meet up etc, I was making my excuses cos I didn't want to meet up and you could tell she was annoyed by it and knew I didn't want to, that was it and not heard from her.
So I knew that was coming as he has gone away, i'm not asking what should I do because I know what I have to do and that's carry on not seeing her, contacting her which i am doing, hat I am asking opinions of is why is she doing this when she knows how I feel and has clearly chosen her path. I know she just wants us to be fiends like we were but has to appreciate that can;t happen. I'm sure she still feels the same for me but I'm just confused as to why she does this and when he is back she'll stop again.

[Boisdevie]

She's doing it because she likes the attention. It's good for her fragile ego. Stop being polite and tell her to ferk off - strong measures and she might get the message. Stop being so bloody polite.

[smackie9]

You are friends with no benefits......she can't stand being alone so she is using you for her emotional tampon. Keep ignoring her....no more contact.

You are going to have to tell her she needs to stop bugging you, your relationship is over.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You are a straight bitch is why she does it. Just ignore her for good. When she asks, "are you ignoring me?"...IGNORE HER. You have been doing a terrible job of not staying in contact with her, so I don't know where you get off, patting yourself on the back for that.

[st66]

I'm not patting myself on the back for anything, I was just saying I have made changes and yes I know I need to be firmer and tell her to leave me alone and yes I know I do need to ignore her completely and yes I know she is wanting my attention more as she is on her own and doesn't like it.
We have so much history over the last few years and to be brutally honest it's as bad not having her around as it is having her around so I'm just in a bad place trying to work it out. Completely no contact will help me move on so I just need to do it but easier said than done for me, you can all say just do it and I want to but I'm finding it very hard so I have come back here for more somewhere to talk about it, more of a comforting thing, maybe that;s wrong as well but I can't talk to too many people about it so nice to come here and vent out.