Ever dealt with your best friend crushing on your significant other?

[mollymari]

Dear fellow romantics

I'm sure this happens more often than we might think and perhaps more often than not, it is innocent enough; more of an admiration rather than mal intention. Yet what do we do when our spidey sense tells us Hhmm? not so much that your worried your love will stray but the disappointment felt when a good friend starts mildly obsessing over your man or woman ie. asking allot of questions while avoiding eye contact, bringing plates of food over for them, offering their massive home out if they need it for a retreat to help dry out(booze), things like that, telling you they want what you have with them. like that.. All in my head or is Spidey sense right on., ....undeniable full on 'Hhmm'.
What do you do? How does one even approach that?
Any stories out there from either end and if so, what happened and how did you deal with it?
I realize this is a personal question and that it may stem from a form of insecurity but mostly I am curious how best to handle it.
This friend is a good person. Could be she is simply extending out her 'care' to include him as well. There's just been a few times she's had a funny look or avoided eye contact, blushed when she asks about him.
You need to know, we are happy, deeply in love my sweets and I. He thinks it's because I make him sound too good. I do tell the truth when she asks about him. He's a great man. Hey, who wouldn't want him right?

[basilandthyme]

No, it's never happened to me.

Can you give examples of this "obsessing" that your best friend is doing?

[mollymari]

Hey B&T, Yah, didn't give allot examples. I did a wee edit on original.
Before I go on, allow me to say that this friend is a very good person, I like her allot and will not risk hurting her feelings. This is why I am asking strangers for advice. I'll also say that my relationship with my partner is very good, solid and strong; no worries there.
I know in all likelihood this could be an admiration of the kind of love he and I share.
I love sharing stories when asked on how he and I met, what was the courtship like, all that. It was very romantic and when she has asked, I tell the truth. He's a great man. No denying that. but between the 'offerings' to him, the suggestion of him staying at her place (massive cabin in the woods, and I mean massive) to help him possibly 'dry out'(booze) and the spidey sense. well.....
It just seems that lately, the questions have increased and her eye contact when asking has decreased, she blushes. It's really rather sweet.
But I am a woman, I am protective and although mostly secure in my life, I too have insecurities.
She is very attractive, very wealthy and well, I haven't had allot of female buddies for some time. I hear stories of people with agenda's.
I have only known her for about 7 months. I know I said 'best friend' but that's what she is albeit a new one. My oldest and dearest chums live across the Globe and we only speak online; this lady is new. A good person but new and I do consider her a very good friend. A rarity for me., hence my concerns..
He and I have been together for just over 2 years, not long. We courted for a time and then he bought us a house to live in far far away.
I just need to know if her actions would be construed as 'red flag' material to anyone else out there. Am I over reacting in my concerns.
Her mind may be delicate and even if she is 'crushing' on my love, I don't want to hurt her feelings. Anyone?, insight?

[Starnique]

If you have to be concerned about your friend crushing on your man, then maybe you need to reconsider your friendship with her.

[Wakeup]

I'd be more worried that he needed to dry out more then I would where he was going to do it. *shrugs*

No, it's never happened to me either but I suppose if it did, I'd be calling her on it if it was that blatently obvious.

[Starnique]

Yeah, do as Wakeup said. I definitely would call her out on it . I would've been did it if I were you. I don't entertain that kind of BS.

[mollymari]

Dear Wakeup,

Though it is off topic, my sweethearts need of sobriety is an issue we deal with daily. It has been a struggle for years and we are dealing with it; and yes, it is my main worry, of course.

I realize my petty concerns about the friend crushing on him are just that; petty. But I am a human woman and I have insecurities just like everyone else.

It's all good. She is a friend.
By sharing on this site I have gained something and I'm no longer as concerned. Even if she has a little crush on him, well, he's a great man, who wouldn't?
I suppose due to the short while I've known her I was merely concerned she had an agenda. This stems from unfortunate memories of another time when a friend did sleep with my significant other (I'll always remember their expressions when that door was opened) and I realize I cannot keep assuming that all women are like this because we are not. We are mostly fabulous creatures roaming the Earth and how cool is that. Very cool indeed.
take care

[Wakeup]

Why do you blame the woman for what your man did?

[mollymari]

I don't believe there's any 'blame' at all going on here and secondly, my Man didn't 'DO' anything. To what are you referring to here? I re read what I shared and no where have I spoken of any act or behavior on his part so I can only assume you didn't really read what I am concerned about and are simply making false assumptions all on your own. hhmm.

[mollymari]

wakeup, I see where you got your confusion from. That past experience (where the man and the friend got together and I walked in on them) was with someone else from a very long time ago. Decades ago. Not the same man I am with now.
Appreciate your comment but allow me to also state, it takes 'two' to tango. 20 years ago, my ex may have slept with the friend, but she knew exactly what she was doing too so, yes, I can blame both of them for that. Who knows, maybe their still together and have a great life. Good on them; still hurt though, way back when.
I'm simply saying that perhaps that shitty experience has indubitably jaded my sense of trust and I need to do more work to get through that, that is all.
Hope that clears it up for you.

[Rowen]

This happened with my last ex... Oye, was that a fiasco. For me, it was that my ex talked to my friend on Okcupid before we became official, and my friend became a bit obsessive over him and wanted to date him. In the end, I knew about it before my friend did...and it made things sticky. I wasn't sure half the time whether I should tell my friend Randy whether or not I was involved with Will, but I laid out clues so he could put it together for himself. It wasn't the best idea of mine, as Randy was a bit jealous about it and tried to get the guy I was dating, I admit. And the relationship then only went on for about a month after that because of Will's guilt and the fact he had no idea what he truly wanted in a relationship and sought me out as more of a rough piece he could mold into a boyfriend he'd one day want as he figured himself out. So thankful that I ended that because now I have someone much, much better.

The moral of the story here, finally, is that it's never worth it to compete for someone or even be in a position like that. So, what I recommend doing is backing out of that situation because someone is bound to get hurt- whether it be you from your crush choosing your friend, or your friend from your crush choosing you, or your crush over you and your friend fighting... If he really wants to be with you, you won't have to ever compete.
I hope this helps a little.

[mollymari]

Interesting story there; bummer to deal with; hope it all worked out.
I'm a little older than a teen, quite a bit. There is no competition. He is my husband and we know full well what we are. I appreciate your comments however I found some of the 'whether it be from your crush choosing your friend' , and the next three lines a little confusing. My husband and I are not the one's who have a crush. The possible 'crush' per say is coming from a female friend of mine that may be directed towards my husband. My question isn't about any insecurity regarding faithfulness ; it is all about how best to handle the female friend gingerly and without hurting her feelings. She could be sad and lonely and we both feel for her. Neither my husband or myself want to hurt her feelings. We are hoping a good man comes along and swoops her up off her feet and in the meanwhile, I am wondering if tell her what we (husband and I) suspect or if we ought just leave it alone so long as no inappropriate advances are made towards him. Again, she is a good person. We do not want to hurt her feelings even if she is crushing on him, my husband.
Thank you though Rowan, thank you for sharing.

[Rowen]

Ah, my mistake. I apologize for that.

I would most likely try to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her. If, after that, she still becomes obsessive about it, then perhaps it's time to get a small bit of distance from her, at least for a while.