I NEED to choose b/w 2 guys TODAY! Help!! :(

[Sad confused]

Please bear with me, this is going to be a long a complicated story. I have run my issue by my therapist with little to no insight other than "Give it time." However I am stuck choosing between two men that both finally need a decision.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. We met online initially, and he lives about 17 hours driving distance. Our relationship was wonderful for the first year- other than the distance of course. He is quite some years older than me, but this is not and never has been an issue. About a year after being together and a few visits, we made the (admittedly impulsive) decision to move in together. I moved to be with him and gave up the life that I knew. This would of course be a tough adjustment for anyone. However, I have a plethora of mental issues, most notably Borderline Personality Disorder. The rage, jealousy, and general instability that had never been an issue while we were dating from afar emerged suddenly during this drastic life change. I could be considered verbally abusive. I attempted to see a therapist, and he attempted to read books to cope with my illness, but I could not make enough progress quicy enough. After about five months of this, we discussed moving back to my home state (together). We visited, in what I thought was an attempt to find an apartment and jobs. During this visit he revealed he was going back to our home, without me. He wanted to break up, but I persuaded him to stay with me and do the long distance thing again while I stayed with my parents and sought therapy

Fast forward a few months, and the proper type of therapy along with medication has been helping greatly. We don't argue like we used to. However, perhaps a month or two ago I began to question whether or not we were compatible. I am a cynical, sarcastic individual. I crave the same in a partner, as well as raw masculine energy and instensity. He is silly, goofy, and nurturing. Out of curiousity one evening, I made a dating profile. I did not want to meet anyone, I simply wondered if there was anyone out there like me. There is. We ended up talking, hanging out, and kissing a bit. My boyfriend was devastated. However, this new guy is everything my boyfriend isn't. He is aggressive, angry, hates the world, and wants to control me and take care of me. **i want to point out that these characteristics and traits are not ideal in a typical relationship. However, hopefully most or some of you are familiar with BDSM and consensual power exchange. I do not condone, and fight vehemently against domestic violence. Domestic violence is not to be confused with CONSENSUAL power exchange.** Anyway, my boyfriend forgave me for cheating on him, took me back, yet as he was doing this I felt in the back of my head that I wanted this other guy. So I took a break from talking to my boyfriend to think things through. During this, I hung out with other guy to get to know him a bit better. He's not a very interesting person.. He seems a bit too apathetic about everything, and seems to have no real interests. But that's what I personally crave in a partner- someone screwed up in the head. Someone aggressive who wants to (consensually) abuse me.

My boyfriend and I have a wonderful sex life, but his aggressiveness and dominance does not extend beyond the bedroom. He loves me soooo much, it's unbelieaveable. He loves me in that crazy selfless way everyone wants. We truly dreamt of a future together, and had all of the same future goals. We agree on everything politically, spiritually, etc. But there just isn't that *spark*. I don't know what to do. I always find myself in this same situation. I don't know what to choose- stability or passion?

[DalM0m]

The "spark" is an illusion. It never lasts forever. If you constantly chase it, you will never be happy.

From an intellectual perspective, I'd tell you to stay with your current BF. He sounds way more stable & healthy.

Your romantic, sexual side, is going to go the other way, no matter what I tell you to do. I do know what a consentual power exchange is & can to some extent understand it's attraction. Somebody else makes all the decisions because you give them the control and they inturn keep you safe. As somebody with BPD, you didn't get a lot of "safe" places in your life or head. You also don't always trust your own decision making abilities. Sometimes it's just nice to be around a man's man.

Before you make any decisions you do need to look at this from a practical perspective. One you live with your BF. Do you have the financial resources to move? If you do move, where will you go. Do not just move in with the new guy. That would not be a wise or healthy decision; you don't know enough about him & the relationship is too new for you to intelligently assess your compatability. Second, do you really think you're in a good frame of mind to hop from one relationship to the next with no cooling off period to take stock of your own life, figure out what went wrong, and where you want to go?

Thos later considerations made me vote "other" -- walk away from them both & spend some time figuring out who you are & what you want without being in a relationship. Once you are more comfortable in your own skin then you will be able to bring your best self into your next relationship.

[smackie9]

You still need to work on getting your head straight before starting a relationship. Just because you feel "great" after a couple months of therapy doesn't mean you go this beat. You already are attracted to someone who is destructive and negative....that isn't passion that's stupidity....poor choices like that will make you even more messed up.

[smackie9]

Note*** you will cheat on your BF again so do him the favor and let him find happiness with someone else.

[bubble]

I would also vote for neither. You have to work on yourself first and then look for someone to add to your life. The qualities you're looking for in a boyfriend are not exactly healthy, so despite feeling great, you're obviously not there yet. The second boyfriend sounds like trouble and the first one sounds like he deserves someone who will feel that spark with him.

[fearoflove]

You don't love your boyfriend. Go for the person who you are more into.

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with the majority here. It sounds like you need to take a break from relationships at all. I will try not to comment too much, because your story hits a little too close to home. Though, to give you credit, at least you actually seem to care about your boyfriend's feelings. That is more than I can say for somebody I know.

From the way you describe him, it sounds like a million women would kill to switch places with you. So, if you don't feel like the relationship is meant to be, don't force it. You will only hurt him more in the long term. If you are forcing it, it will not last, and the longer you both drag it on, the more it will hurt when it all blows up.

I do wish you the best of luck either way. Dealing with issues certainly is never fun or easy. I hope you find your way in life, including eventually finding your Mr. Right, if that is what you want.

[Sad confused]

Thanks for all the input. I know the rational thing to do is be alone for awhile, but honestly I just dont want to.

[surfhb2]

Thanks for all the input. I know the rational thing to do is be alone for awhile, but honestly I just dont want to.

Well obviously the things you want aren't doing you any good right now.. I suggest talking with you therapist about getting on a relationship diet while you work on your issues

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks for all the input. I know the rational thing to do is be alone for awhile, but honestly I just dont want to.

Definitely understood. But, sometimes in life we do have to give up the things we want (hopefully just temporarily) for the better for one reason or another. In the long run, you will do yourself better and be better equiped to actually find what you are looking for in life and be happy. I can certainly understand, though, if it seems hard to do. Again, either way, best wishes to you.