Just need some advice on intimacy

[FourForever]

Hey guys, I came across this forum and it looks promising. I'm no lost cause, I'm not feeling unloved, I'm simply looking for advice on how to handle a certain issue regarding intimacy in my relationship. So here it goes (promise, I'll keep it short...ish):

I have been dating my girlfriend for 3.5 years this month, we're both 18 and have been dating since the end of our freshman year in high school. We went to separate high schools, and now go to separate colleges (about 1-2 hours apart, so not terrible), so we are used to some kind of distance and we are both in the top schools for our highly demanding majors (her nursing, mine actuarial science). We've always clicked and enjoyed each other, we're very religious, and we're serious (have talked about marriage and plan on it in the post-college future).

So here's my dilemma: intimacy. We are both opposed to pre-marital sex and don't really go past any light touching (neither of us has a problem with this). But recently, in the past 6 months or so, we've escalated to a higher level of physical intimacy. At the most, underwear still on, she usually keeps her shirt on, but bra removed and my hands down her panties. Since we're in college, we only have the chance to be this intimate every 2-3 weeks. The only thing is that a few times now, she's expressed that she feels like we've gotten too sexual. But each time she's addressed it, she says "sometimes it gets too much" or "lately it's been too much", so after finally having a good talk about it I explained to her that it was just my way of showing affection and that I was sorry it it had upset her this much, and that I wanted her to understand if it ever did anything to remotely invoke this kind of upset again, that she should understand where I was coming from but also bring it up with me at once. It's just the way I am; I like to give/please instead of being gifted/pleased.

And here's the kicker. Just this past weekend, we went at it again and to describe it in the least, it was beautiful. Her and I were both into it, and it was great. Later that night I was giving her a massage (and i think this is what set everything off) and I playfully tugged at her jeans (she was on her stomach), and she gave me such a look and I was just taken aback and immediately apologized several times over, and then finished up. After that, before I was about to leave, she began to tear up and explained that she was upset about that whole thing again - getting too sexual. So I told her I knew that I messed up and didn't mean for it to upset her in any way. Once I got home, she texted me saying that when we got into this type of intimacy she felt pushed away and disrespected... and that caught me by surprise, majorly.


From that night forward I've gone cold turkey with that kind of stuff -- I haven't even touched her in an "aggressive way", such as her butt or anything. It's killing me because I want to talk to her and find out explicitly what she'll allow and what she won't allow and how to go about handling these things. I don't mind at all if she wants to tone it back, but she gives me so many mixed signals that I sometimes feel like the victim... She'll be into it, constantly leading on that she basically wants me to act that way, and then makes me feel horrible afterward when she starts saying it's too much or whatever.

This is what I have noticed: as nature would lend, she can almost always get into it, but when she is on her period is when she seems to get upset at this. We've gone one or two times without a problem, and then the second or third time she gets upset (mind you, this isn't every day or every time we see each other...it's every other time maybe and visits are at a minimum every 2 weeks). So I have no idea how to approach this. I plan on talking to her about this, asking her what boundaries we should explicitly set, and how to handle this in the future (on both ends), but can any of you give me advice on this? Am I actually in the grave wrong and don't know it, do I kind of have a handle on this but could do better, or am I actually being disrespected because of her not necessarily thinking of my needs and only hers?

I'm just spitballing here, and I commend you saints for reading all of this. I can't offer a tl;dr, as it's too involved of a situation, so thank you thank you thank you in advance!

[4 ratties]

She may be into it in the moment but then later feel a little guilty. Maybe she's not secure with herself or super religious so she feels a little weird after having time to reflect on it.. Idk I don't know her, just a thought. Seems like she's fighting her natural instincts with her brain. Sounds good that your having a talk with her. Make sure to tell her how u feel.

[put_name_here]

you may love her and be afraid to confront her for fear of losing her or something, but communication is #1... If you two can't be upfront with eachother and ask direct questions and get direct answers by now (3.5 years?) then that needs to change... Next time you see her in person, sit down and have a conversation about it... let her know EXACTLY what is on your mind - you're confused by one day this, and the next day that. point out that she seems to enjoy it then when it happens again she has a different take on it. If she wants your respect, she needs to show you some too - by listening and responding in kind - without it turning into an argument. Reinforce you aren't trying to have sex, but are just playing - tell her you understand her position and that you promise it would never get that far - as a little extra, if its not too much, tell her that you wouldn't have sex with her even if she said it was alright... Does she have trust issues? Next time don't even be remotely sexual, not just "not aggressive) leave with only a kiss.

If she can't talk about it or entertain the idea of boundries then something is wrong... but you should talk to her no matter what, becasue this will only end up hurting you...

[IndiReloaded]

She feels guilty b/c she wants you but doesn't want to admit it. She is afraid she will lose control. She may also be worried that all the responsibility is on her to keep the sex in check.

Maybe you should get engaged if you are ready? Get her on some birth control. Then if you do end up having sex, at least you won't end up pregnant. Or if you decide against intercourse until you are married, perhaps you can agree on masturbating each other. This way you will end up with some release (she's going to get worse, she wants it and you can't fight biology) but in a loving way so that you are still saving yourself for each other.

[FourForever]

She may be into it in the moment but then later feel a little guilty. Maybe she's not secure with herself or super religious so she feels a little weird after having time to reflect on it.. Idk I don't know her, just a thought. Seems like she's fighting her natural instincts with her brain. Sounds good that your having a talk with her. Make sure to tell her how u feel.

She's been incredibly insecure in the past, so I agree with that. I definitely think it's something that she likes, but when she looks at it from a religious point of view, she gets upset.

you may love her and be afraid to confront her for fear of losing her or something, but communication is #1... If you two can't be upfront with eachother and ask direct questions and get direct answers by now (3.5 years?) then that needs to change... Next time you see her in person, sit down and have a conversation about it... let her know EXACTLY what is on your mind - you're confused by one day this, and the next day that. point out that she seems to enjoy it then when it happens again she has a different take on it. If she wants your respect, she needs to show you some too - by listening and responding in kind - without it turning into an argument. Reinforce you aren't trying to have sex, but are just playing - tell her you understand her position and that you promise it would never get that far - as a little extra, if its not too much, tell her that you wouldn't have sex with her even if she said it was alright... Does she have trust issues? Next time don't even be remotely sexual, not just "not aggressive) leave with only a kiss.

If she can't talk about it or entertain the idea of boundries then something is wrong... but you should talk to her no matter what, becasue this will only end up hurting you...

We have great communication, actually. It's just that the way this was communicated versus to how it has been acted upon has confused me. I plan on sitting down with her this weekend and talking about it and doing just that - letting her know pretty much what I've expressed here. Of course, everyone is afraid of saying something which might cause a rift in their relationship, but I'm confident that this won't happen. She says (and has shown) that she trusts me a lot, so I don't think that's an issue, but it may just be that she doesn't realize the mixed signals she is giving off... Since this happened last, I've gone cold turkey like I said and I've kept my hands at her waist / on her shoulders and lightly kissed her. I just really hope I can sort this out.

She feels guilty b/c she wants you but doesn't want to admit it. She is afraid she will lose control. She may also be worried that all the responsibility is on her to keep the sex in check.

Maybe you should get engaged if you are ready? Get her on some birth control. Then if you do end up having sex, at least you won't end up pregnant. Or if you decide against intercourse until you are married, perhaps you can agree on masturbating each other. This way you will end up with some release (she's going to get worse, she wants it and you can't fight biology) but in a loving way so that you are still saving yourself for each other.

I want to propose to her already, but I'm still financing the ring & waiting a little while to see how it holds up with our new college lives. But we already plan on getting married, it's just a matter of time. And we do strictly plan on having sex within marriage, and while I'm all for quid pro quo in terms of getting one another off, in the most likely scenario, it would be me getting her off and only that (she definitely wouldn't go that far for me unless it were an extreme moment of passion).



I'm really appreciating all these responses. It's helped me clear my head and figure out how to get it across to her properly - not just making it sound loving and that I'm sorry... Thank you all so much!

[Boisdevie]

Why don't you just have sex? Would it be so wrong?

[FourForever]

Why don't you just have sex? Would it be so wrong?

We would love to, and have no problem with doing so, but find it more exciting to wait and experience it together on our wedding night.

Nothing is wrong with sex haha, we're just different.

[Boisdevie]

We would love to, and have no problem with doing so, but find it more exciting to wait and experience it together on our wedding nightt.

WOuld be a real shame to wait years and years for the big night to find out your sexually incompatible.
OR, if you find the idea if waiting will make it more exciting why not wait say 20 years. By your logic it'll be even more exciting.
Me, I find my GF sexually exciting. So we're going to have sex in, say, an hour. You're not going to have sex for years. Hope you like wanking.

[FourForever]

WOuld be a real shame to wait years and years for the big night to find out your sexually incompatible.
OR, if you find the idea if waiting will make it more exciting why not wait say 20 years. By your logic it'll be even more exciting.
Me, I find my GF sexually exciting. So we're going to have sex in, say, an hour. You're not going to have sex for years. Hope you like wanking.

I suppose it's faith, but if you've read over what I've already written, we're incredibly compatible both sexually and not sexually.

But have fun! Wish I were you lol.

[michelle23]

Sorry but you should break up. The girl has serious issues with sex and thats not gonna change with major therapy. She makes you feel like a perv for wanting her even though its a perfectly normal part of a relationship and you should never have to apologize to her or feel guilty for wanting intimacy with her. Shes your gf, thats what bf and gf do.. id dump her

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[FourForever]

I'm going to talk with her about this first... I love her with all my heart and it's been practically 4 years that we've known each other. I'm not going to do something abrupt like that.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This is some lame ass shit I am reading right here. I don't understand what your problem is. You both want to wait. If you're really that religious you shouldn't be doing anything. Just dump the prude and find a girl on campus that wants to ride you like Seabiscuit.

I'm going to tell you something, that you're not going to like or believe. The Judeo-Christian deity you worship is not real. It's a lot like a fairy tale, except its for really ****ing stupid adults, instead of kids. No one cares when you have sex. Dump your prude girlfriend or tell her she has to start putting out. Or marry her.

[michelle23]

I agree. If your religion tells you what you can or cant do with your own body or when your in a loving relationship with someone-then its a cult and your brainwashed. Sex is healthy. Your two consenting adults and who the heck is gonna know unless you tell them? Give her an orgasm-look it up and learn how. If that dont change her view on sex-nothing will.. i suspect thats part of the problem. Shes getting nothing out of it and its boring

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[Valixy]

This is the way she enjoys sex at the moment. Wanting you, teasing you but feeling guilty and needing to blame someone for it. Some girls who are so attached to their virginity need more time and understanding and you seem to be ready to give all this to her. It's great that you're enjoying waiting too and taking things little by little. Escalating is inevitable though and you will need a lot of self control to keep yourself in check while continuing with the playing. I think that you should be patient and passionate with her, just as you've been until now, applying self control and respecting her limits most of the time but secretly not taking her reproaches too seriously. The way she needs to recreate this distance between you two is just her way of maintaining the relationship in the initial phase, when you want her but can't have her yet, which has its charm btw, especially for a young girl in love who is still a virgin.

[basilandthyme]

I see the issues as very simple: this is a fight between her religious beliefs and what her body is telling her to do. She wants to follow her body and then gets ashamed because of the religion thing.

Just stop messing about with her - and then she'll stop feeling guilty. If she wants to mess about, just tell her that you're not up for all the guilt afterwards.