My best friend

[blue102]

My friend whom I have chatted with for several years now suddenly stopped talking to me. He is just a friend. I am married and he knows this. He wanted to come visit me and my husband, and I told him no (my husband said no), and then he stopped talking to me.

He won't talk to me online anymore but he gave me his phone number and told me to call him the next day. Instead of calling him, I gave him my number for him to call me. He didn't call. He says "we're still pals." I told him I missed him, and he says he can't talk to me this week but we can plan a "playdate" for next week.

He really is special to me and it kills me to lose him. What is going on? Is he rejecting me or does he really want to still "be pals"?

[TheEvilJester]

Without a little more background, it can be hard for any of us to say. It could just be he has stuff going on in his life. People get busy sometimes. It could be he has a new relationship going on that is taking his time.

Then again, it could simply be that his feelings were a little hurt that you didn't want to get together. Mind you, that is NOT to imply that there is anything wrong with you saying no. Your husband wasn't 100% comfortable with it, and he should come first for you. That is also not meant to imply that this was wrong of your husband. Sometimes that is just an iffy situation, whether all parties are deemed trustworthy or not. Often better to just not hang out one on one with somebody of the opposite gender in that kind of situation. So, either way, it could be that his intentions are 100% innocent, but he was just a little uspet, and perhaps feeling that you don't want to hang out with him. Did you explain that it has nothing to do with him, but you just feel it wouldn't be right since you are married?

And, honestly, it could very well be that the guy holds a torch for you and is just hoping fate will somehow bring you together. We can't really tell you without being closer to the situation. The best thing you can do, I suppose, is make the effort to remain friends. See how he reacts. Also, see if your husband would be okay with you hanging out with him if it were in a group thing. Heck, possibly even include your husband in the group thing.

But, if it does turn out that he "carries a torch" for you, and he actually says or tries to do something about it, then you really owe it to yourself, your husband, and your relationship to stop being friends with him. It may hurt for you to have to do that, but if he can't learn that you are married and he cannot come between that, then you need to distance yourself. Either way, good luck. I hope it just turns out to be nothing, and you are just worrying for no reason.

[blue102]

The best thing you can do, I suppose, is make the effort to remain friends. See how he reacts. .

Thanks for saying this, I was afraid of "bugging" him in the case he is ditching me. But he has been nice to me the couple of times I've Emailed him, saying that we are still friends. He has been weird about my being married in the past-- he has made comments like "you're married with two kids" as if he has concerns about our friendship being appropriate. It's just odd that he would want to come visit me and then just drop me like a hot potato right after he asked?

[TheEvilJester]

If he says you are still friends, then no harm in taking him at his word for now. Of course, if you continue to get vibes that he is just saying that and not making the effort to actually remain friends, that may be a good time to re-evaluate. Again, good luck, either way. :-)

[Lord Darkshire]

It's obvious he has an infactuation with you emotionally. My guess he saw this friendship as more. When the answer came back as a no, the reality of it really hit home for him...He has backed off to help divert his feelings for you. Give him his space, so he can move on.

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter if he knows you are married....it never stopped him from having feelings for you. Is he a lonely shlep that never has a GF or barely dates because he is such an introvert? I think he's been riding on this fantasy of meeting you and him sweeping you off your feet, winning your heart....he was denied this event so he has buried his head in the sand in devistation.

[JenAlexisLuv]

I would just let it be, maybe he has stuff going on in his life and doesn't want to bother a married woman with his troubles...maybe he DOES like you....who knows. Stop talking to him and making contact and see if he comes around, maybe you need to give him a chance to miss you.

[TheEvilJester]

That is definitely good advice too. Though, I would add this question... Is this the first time he's pulled a disappearing act? Because if it is, I kind of think he deserves a little more benefit of the doubt than to just instantly stop talking to him and hope he comes back around. If he makes a habbit of it, or it drags on for a while, then yeah.... That would be the time to pull back and let him decide if he wants to continue the friendship. I said pretty much that above. I just think he maybe deserves a little benefit of the doubt if this is the first sign of issues. Because, really, none of us are mind-readers. We cannot fairly say he does have an infatuation with her even though she is married. Maybe he does just want to be friends. We really don't know. So, why condemn a guy for, thus far, not having done anything wrong?

[blue102]

Though, I would add this question... Is this the first time he's pulled a disappearing act?

Sadly not the first time. He did it once before, saying that it was because I'm married. But he did come around after a while.

I don't really understand if he sees me as just a friend, or something more?

[TheEvilJester]

Eh... well then I would say perhaps you be a little more cautious. If it seems like something that is becoming a habbit of his, it may be best just to pull away and let him decide if he wants to be friends. That definitely makes it seem more likely that it could be because he has a thing for you and can't see being just friends.

Granted, it still doesn't necessarily mean that for sure. Could just be that he feels uncomfortable hanging out with a married woman. But, it does kind of lean more towards seeming like there is a reason he keeps pulling back. Either way, good luck. I wish you the best.

[bluesummer]

Why did your husband say no to him visiting if he's just a friend? One of my ex's actually comes over to visit quite often, we're really good friends still. He has beers with my hubby, they get along great. However, if I told him my husband didn't want him around, as my friend he'd be hurt and probably a bit insulted. What's your hubby's deal?

[smackie9]

This isn't an ex..... this is obviously a guy that wants to pursue her and any husband would say no to it.

He keeps coming back to see if there is a divorce pending.

[basilandthyme]

Oh for heaven's sake, why would he bother maintaining a friendship where he's not even allowed to visit? FWIW, I'd also dump a friend who I wasn't allowed to visit.

Edited to add: If I were your husband and you were calling ANOTHER MAN your best friend, I'd block the friendship too. Your husband should be your best male friend - not some other dude.

Red flags all over the place here.

[searock]

If I were your husband and you were calling ANOTHER MAN your best friend, I'd block the friendship too. Your husband should be your best male friend - not some other dude.

^^This!!

OP, it's clear that your "best friend" has feelings for you, otherwise he wouldn't think it's weird that you two are friends "because you are married with kids". I have a close male friend and the fact that I'm in a happy relationship with my *best friend* doesn't affect our friendship at all.

Plus, why doesn't your husband want him to visit? Either your husband is a jealous controlling as*hole, or he "senses" that something isn't quite right with your "friendship" with the other guy.

I think you should tell your friend "I'm sorry if you ever thought there could be something other than friendship between us. I hope we can still be friends but if you'd rather distance yourself from me, I understand." and then stop contacting him.

[Exeter19]

My friend whom I have chatted with for several years now suddenly stopped talking to me. He is just a friend. I am married and he knows this. He wanted to come visit me and my husband, and I told him no (my husband said no), and then he stopped talking to me.

He won't talk to me online anymore but he gave me his phone number and told me to call him the next day. Instead of calling him, I gave him my number for him to call me. He didn't call. He says "we're still pals." I told him I missed him, and he says he can't talk to me this week but we can plan a "playdate" for next week.

He really is special to me and it kills me to lose him. What is going on? Is he rejecting me or does he really want to still "be pals"?

has he visited you in the past and why he thought asking again was ok, or was the first time he ever asked? is your husband jealous of him, do you have an attraction to him? why would he call your talk a 'playdate' that sounds odd to me, like he thinks you are immature or is it because you both flirt when you talk?