Serious help needed, I am desperate :-(

[confusedman2013]

Hello all, I hope everyone is doing well where they are today.

I am in serious need of some advice from people who are experienced and willing to help and I would like to thank anyone in advance who is kind enough to take the time to reply to my post and help me out. I'll get straight to it...

9 months ago I entered into a relationship with a woman who was the same age as me, 27. I knew her from childhood and we were neighbours when we were children but we were never close friends. As I got older, I went my way in life and she went hers. Long story short, I have been in two relationships before her and they both ended on somewhat bad terms. First one was my childhood sweetheart who is now with a guy I used to refer to as my best friend. Second one was to a nice girl with a few issues such as an abusive father (towards her mother) and a bad break up with her own childhood sweetheart. Now through these relationships, I will admit, I have been badly scarred. I am a little insecure, have bouts of anger, find it hard to trust, riddled with fear etc

Now... the recent break up....

The girl has quite an eventful past to say the least. Sexually abused as a child (once apparently), dysfunctional family (mother and father etc). 3 children to two different men, has been through a horrendous relationship when she was younger where she was literally used as a punch bag. Been in a relationship with a drug dealer. 2 of her children don't see their Father. Her whole life has been surrounded by drama and it seems to follow her everywhere she goes. She has suffered with depression. She has OCD. She has a terrible anger problem that fluctuates like I have never seen before. Her moods are so unpredictable. But she has a good heart I know she does. She was pregnant to me and we had a miscarriage which was awful because we fell out before it happened and she kept me away whilst the problems were happening.

She threw me out of the house and told me to stay away because what made us split up was my fault. I initiated the argument and fight and I have never shied away from that and have accepted that. However, now that I have stayed away from her, she is now the one texting me and calling me saying she misses me, she is lost, she is damaged, how she can't stand the thought of me moving on with someone else etc etc etc however, she still refuses to take me back and I am now in the mindset that I don't even think it would be healthy to go anywhere near her again. But I feel so guilty for hurting her (it wasn't the worst thing in the world tbh) and I know she is lonely etc

It's all so messed up, it has affected my own physical and mental health and I am trying to work out what the hell is going on? can anyone relate to this or be of any assistance? I would be so grateful to hear from anyone who can help in anyway.

Thank You all so much for even taking the time to read my post.

[Wakeup]

I'm not sure what you're asking here? I will say that from what you discribe, you need help with your picker. I have to ask why you would stay any length of time with someone who has all those past issues and isn't actively in councelling to help her to get past, well, her past?

You know she "is lost, she is damaged." Do her and yourself a favour and tell her that you have come to the conclusion that you are not good for one another and that you will not be returning any more of her attempts at contact, that you hope that she gets the professional help that she needs to be able to leave her past behind and that you will be doing the same to help you with your own issues. (lack of self-love, fear of being abandoned and lack of confidence in yourself).

I'm glad you feel it would be in your own worse interests to continue on with her. Now all you have to do is tell her you won't be answering anymore, that you are blocking and deleting her and then stick to that conviction.

You are not responsible for her. The only thing you owe her is your honesty. Stop your self-hatred and be proud that you are emotionally healthy enough to realize that you need cleanse her from your life.

To add:

She was pregnant to me and we had a miscarriage which was awful because we fell out before it happened and she kept me away whilst the problems were happening.

Thank your higher power that this happened. The last thing you need is to be tied to her in some way due to a child. I feel sorry for her other three? having to be brought up with her particular kind of mental "ism."

Be strong... You've done the right thing. Now just make it final by going ZERO contact with her.

[confusedman2013]

The reason I am posting this is because I want to know was it a recipe for disaster at the start and what sort of behaviour to expect from her in the future? I know she is a lovely person deep down but I do love/care for her and sort of feel responsible for even getting involved with her and now she has more relationship scars if u know what I mean. Thank You for your honest reply, I really appreciate it. I am just all over the place at the moment tbh :-(

[Wakeup]

Man2013: Know this! You cannot fix her and she will bring you down before you can every push her up. She needs professional help and if you were to go back to her, you would be being selfish in reality because you would then be enabling her to remain in her current dysfunctional mental state. Why would she change or work on improving herself if you'll accept her as is? To stay, you give her zero motivation to improve.

Let her know that getting her own help is in her own best interestes, that you wish her well and then end all contact.

It is men that stay with her and accept her abuse that keep the status quo going. She needs to hit her own rock bottom before she'll ever get better.

So to answer your question: Yes, it certainly was a recipe for disaster but you couldn't have possibly known that until she started to display her true self... that takes time to discover. The important thing is that you realized what a mess you remaining with her would be for both of you and you ended it. That's a sure sign that you love yourself enough to look out for your own emotional health. A period of hurt now is far better then a lifetime of emotional, verbal (physical?) abuse and children that would be subjected to that dysfunction.

She will not change until she gets the extensive personal therapy that she needs to get to come to terms with her own dysfunction childhood.

You've done the right thing now follow through and make it so she cannot hoover you back by going zero contact so you can heal and become indifferent to her and her issues.

No more guilt. Forgive yourself, be proud of your ability to disengage her early and go forward from her.

[Wakeup]

Just a quick add: If you find yourself across the table from another woman that tells you about a past similar to this one's past, then the first question you should ask is "how long have you been in councelling for that?" If her answer isn't anything other then a time period... if she's never gotten help or if she has and said she didn't get anything out of it, then that would be your clue to exit yourself from anything further to do with her. No sense getting emotionally involved with someone who's only decent function is the sex she gives you.

[confusedman2013]

wow! thank u so much for your kind and truthful reply and I read that twice just to make sure I understood. However, I must point out that I too have a few issues that maybe when mixed with her problems, made things even worse. It is so hard but i know in reality, you're correct. Problem is, I don't know how to get rid of the feelings I have for her but I am sure in time those will subside and the sun will come out again from behind the clouds, for me, and hopefully for her because I know there is a lot of good in her but ultimately she is very emotionally troubled.

Thank You so much

[TheEvilJester]

It isn't exactly the same at all, but this sounds A LOT like my ex-wife. So, I can tell you from experience, if it didn't work, that was for a reason. She very obviously needs help, and if she is not doing anything to get it, you do not deserve to be her punching bag in the meantime. I am in no way making light of the crap she went through in life. That absolutely sucks, and it is understandable that it may mess a person up. But, at some point, we all have to grow up and learn to deal with our crap in life. You can roll over and whine about how sucky your life is and just let it win, or you can man-up (or... woman-up, I guess, but that doesn't quite sound right) and deal with it. I am not saying it is easy, either. Nor is it a quick fix. It is probably a life-long struggle. But, you have to at least fight if you are ever going to win.

That was a big part of the problem with my ex. She never could admit to being part of the problem with everything in her life. Everything was everybody else's fault. She basically gave up on trying to become a better person, and decided that everyone in the world had to just deal with that. For so long, I tried to be there for her and help her, and I only got treated like crap in return. I was told things like "You just don't understand" nevermind that I had been through enough of my own crap in life (and, really, who hasn't), and I fought on. People like my ex, and it sounds like this woman, are just selfish. According to them, the world should revolve around them, and anybody who disagrees is the enemy.

Admittedly, I may be a little biased in a situation like this given my experience, but regardless I would HIGHLY advise you against having anything to do with her unless she gets help, and continues to do so. Take it from me, a relationship like that is very toxic. It has the tendency to turn you into somebody you won't regonize and won't like. Instead of you helping the other person pull themselves up, they wind up dragging you down. Good luck, my friend. I hope you someday find a girl who will truly appreciate you.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You don't really sound that desperate.

Look up Cbud92..that guy is desperate.