Oh, so NOW he wants to see me... what to do?

[daytrippr]

Hi there. Very typical story. A long-time friend and I had coffee a couple of months ago, and suddenly sparks flew everywhere. Pretty soon, we were talking every day, flirting a lot... this went on for like... 8 weeks online. He travels a lot for business, and I've been busy with my own work and stuff.

The conversation eventually took a turn for the VERY SEXY. It was thrilling and intense, and we were both heavily into it. So, of course we had to put all that heat to the test, and we finally hooked up. MIND BLOWING. For us both, and I know this because he was like a kid at Christmas. Don't think he'd ever had someone rock his world like that.

But we all know women and men look at sex differently. I'm thinking, "Okay, so now this is real. Oh boy." On the other hand, I know he's thinking, "Oh shit, so now this is real."

It's not like I expected things to suddenly blossom into this deep, permanent relationship, but he immediately started to distance himself. Oh, he'd come around and chat, but it was like... I'm so busy, I'm traveling, hope you're okay, yadda yadda. And then I did the totally stupid move (doh) of over-communicating, "How are you you? What's going on? Are you okay? Why so distant?" Sheesh.

Finally, I just backed off for a couple days. Then I sent him a message that in essence, I was officially checking out, because I didn't see the point. I was willing to wait a bit while he "went into his cave," but after two weeks, come on. Either you care enough to at least give me more than a stupid 4 line message about how busy you are, or you need to just have the balls to move on.

My message was polite but firm. Sort of like, "I think we have different expectations now, and so I think I'll just check out. No hard feelings."

Immediately, he responds: "Would you like to go for coffee?"

$*&^%#%%!!! Of course, NOW he's interested, when he sees my well-shaped fanny walking away.

I haven't answered him yet. I admit, I really REALLY dig this guy. I also believe he was seriously into me before he went into freak-out mode. I've handled
myself well except for the being a little too clingy while he was withdrawing. But I'm also annoyed at him for coming on so strong, and then nearly abandoning me after we "did it."

How should I respond to him? I want to wait 24 hours and then just say something like, "I'm not sure that's a good idea." Or, "Do you think that's a good idea?"

I just know that if I immediately say, "Okay" I'll be handing the controls all over again. I want to strike the right balance between keeping him in the chase without seeming like I'm just waiting around for him.

You'll just have to trust me when I say this guy is worth a bit of trouble. Rich, handsome, and... hung like a horse. Sorry, but once I saw that, I knew that "downsizing" would be an issue in the future.

He's also sweet and funny. Doesn't realize how sexy he is. Okay, so I admit, I'm totally, crazily smitten.

Now what?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Treat it as a completely physical relationship, and enjoy him for the traits you've pointed out. During this time, continue to look for a guy who wants something long term. If you can't handle that, don't respond to his coffee invite.

Playing games won't make him want you or love you. If his interest is passive(seems like it) or he just doesn't care, you can't win. Trust me.

[daytrippr]

I think that makes a lot of sense. I have a tendency to over-complicate these things. But... still interested in hearing a few others chime in. Doubtless, ready to say more of the same... but still. I do think this guy cares for me a lot and is just kinda scared, too. His first words after the event: "I'm scared you'll hurt me." Well, he certainly set himself up for that one.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Pussies always say shit like that, so they don't look like the bad guy. Don't pity him.

[daytrippr]

Ha ha ha ha. Truly. That was awesome perspective. Thanks!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Be ready for him to get really possessive if you remove your emotions from the situation. If you tell him you want to continue things, but not be exclusive he'll be really keen on you, but I still wouldn't trust it.

[Maple1714]

OP - You are funny! I laughed when I read this.

Anyway, I say this. Meet him for coffee, but change the day and time on him. Say you are busy on the day/time when he has made himself available. Ask him to make time for you essentially. To me, this is not really playing a game but merely not being there at his beckoning call.
OR
Meet him for coffee and go when it honestly suits both of your schedules.

When you meet him, just be honest about your feelings. Tell him you had a great time, but that you felt he retreated into his "cave" after you guys had sex. Tell him everything you wrote here. Don't try and be coy or afraid to be brutally honest. I have only 1 relationship regret in my life, and that was from a time when I wasn't 100% honest about my feelings b/c I was afraid I would scare the guy off. I was the scared one and I let that fear take control...lame! Too often women (or girls rather) tip toe around men...bullshit.

[daytrippr]

I figured out how I'll respond:

"Sometime :-)"

And just leave it there. The rest will be up to him.

[Maple1714]

I figured out how I'll respond:

"Sometime :-)"

And just leave it there. The rest will be up to him.

That's lame. Your leaving it too open ended. He will say "WTF does that mean?" Just tell him when YOU are free and meet him.

[daytrippr]

Okay, Maple. I'll buy that.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You've been honest and direct, why would you want to stop doing that now? Will you just take whatever he's willing to give? If that's the case, then just go have the coffee and take what you can get.

[Maple1714]

Okay, Maple. I'll buy that.

It sounds to me like your feelings are already a little hurt. It's hard to get past those feelings b/c your ego has been bruised. Don't try and create some cat and mouse game so you can feel like he is chasing you, only to satisfy your own ego. What do you want from him really? Lay that out on the table and nothing else. Put yourself out there ONE more time and see how he responds. If he still acts weird and reluctant then leave it alone. How old are you?

[daytrippr]

Way too old for this crap, I can tell you that. Late 40s. But don't at all look it. Super fit, take super good care of myself. Divorced two years.

I'm probably even more hurt because I get propositioned on a regular basis. Sometimes, by people almost as young as my kids! So, it's not like I have a poor self-image, or have issues getting laid :-).

I finally give in to this guy, and this is what I get. Big silence. It's just too weird for me, even though I only meant for it to be sort of a casual relationship. But it had to be A relationship, with a little freaking communication.

I'm going to go ahead and let the coffee thing happen--assuming it does. Then, and only then, am I going to be honest (but NOT) emotional about a few select things.

[Maple1714]

Way too old for this crap, I can tell you that. Late 40s. But don't at all look it. Super fit, take super good care of myself. Divorced two years.

I'm probably even more hurt because I get propositioned on a regular basis. Sometimes, by people almost as young as my kids! So, it's not like I have a poor self-image, or have issues getting laid :-).

I finally give in to this guy, and this is what I get. Big silence. It's just too weird for me, even though I only meant for it to be sort of a casual relationship. But it had to be A relationship, with a little freaking communication.

I'm going to go ahead and let the coffee thing happen--assuming it does. Then, and only then, am I going to be honest (but NOT) emotional about a few select things.

Hmmm...yeah just go an be honest. No need to be emotional. You are too old for this crap! But, emotional maturity has nothing to do with physical age. He sounds kinda lame and like a wimp. I hope the communication improves!

[michelle23]

Stop making excuses for him. He wanted to f**k you, got what he wanted and then f**ked off and i really dont like the way you imply that this is a "man thing".. umm noo its a player thing. I do wonder what kinda men you associate with if you really think they all do this crap coz its never happened to me or most my girlfriends... anyway id tell him to piss off and turn down his request for coffee unlesd you wana be used again..

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