No one takes us seriously

[katewatx]

I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple of years now. We actually have a great relationship. We never get in big fights or anything, because we're both very communicative and very much alike. It's a great change to be in such a healthy relationship. We live together, have pets together, have a big group of friends and family. He enriches my life, and I'd like to say that I do the same for him.

The problem is that we mostly go overlooked. People don't think of us as anything serious. I'm often "guest" on invitations from his less close friends. His family never congratulates us on anything: getting a dog, moving into a beautiful home together, anniversaries etc. We're both the kind of people who will rush out to get our friends little gifts and say congrats and show our excitement for their life steps.

We never get that in return, though. His family (mine isn't really in the picture as I was adopted by someone who has already passed away) is always busy showering his younger cousins with weddings and helping out with their homes and congratulating them on trips or moving in together, things like that. There's never a time period one of them isn't engaged or building a home or the like.

Our friends tend to be the same way. They tend to be so distracted by their own homes, new pets, vacations, relationship tribulations, and anniversaries that our achievements/progress go completely unnoticed. I hate to sound silly, but it means a lot to me, especially since I don't have a family of my own yet. I would be VERY appreciative of some kind of support and excitement/encouragement in our lives together.

I work really hard to be someone he can be proud of. I work really hard to make our home beautiful and our little family happy. But, I feel like we're always thought of as a passing phase and that no one takes us seriously. It makes moving forward, like getting engaged and having a child, a challenge. Everyone's always so busy making a big deal out of someone else's wedding or trip or whatever else. We feel like they'll think we're stealing the spotlight, and that they're already too busy to help and participate. That'll be especially important when we have a child.

I feel like everyone expects our participation and gifts and congratulations, and we get none in return. They sort of treat us like a silly high school couple they know will break up and move on, even though we're older than a lot of them (I'm 27 and he's 30). I want to feel I'm part of a family and a community...not someone who just has to do everything on my own without support or encouragement.

How do I even go about fixing this? Is it just hopeless? I'm tired of putting my life on hold, waiting on everyone else to get what they want and need. I hate to give up a great relationship, but I want a family.

[michelle23]

Do you really need all that? Seriously? Me and my bf are together 5 years, living together 2 and its only lately people have been saying when will you get married or have a baby etc and thats even more annoying.. rolling my eyes.. anyway just get on with your relationship and stop caring what others think. You dont need praise or a pat on the back for being a good gf. It just shows insecurity. Perhaps your worried his family dont like you or something? My bfs family are odd balls and i really dont give a crap anymore. Sometimes they make me feel welcome, sometimes they dont. There cold people, unaffectionate and reserved so you gotta catch them on a good day but im not gonna worry about it. Were happy so feck everyone else

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[pcmaster]

Maybe you are both just too diferent. Like one is short and fat but other is tall and skinny.

[katewatx]

I don't need "praise or a pat on the back for being a good gf", but I do prefer a supportive, participating community to raise a child in. I know what it's like to be a child without a family. I know what it was like for my grandfather to raise me all on his own without any help. There's no reason to want that for my future child if I can prevent it. And, I'd like to be able to nip this stuff in the bud now, if possible. I'd like them to participate in our lives, like they do for each other and we do for them. If the simple things are too hard now, I worry. Or maybe it's just that I'm not demanding enough, like the girlfriends of his cousins. I'm not even sure how to be that way, since I didn't have females in my life growing up. I don't know what's normal in families. I don't know what's considered polite or rude or the like.

[pcmaster]

So you are insecure and think if people are not with you then they kinda against you? Its like you want others be positive to be sure they are not negative against you guys?

Theres a good saying in church - Whos not against us are with us.

[basilandthyme]

You need to learn to give yourself merit and not rely on others to acknowledge your achievements. I've been with my defacto partner for 21 years now and with the exception of congratulations on our children, we have not received the kind of acknowledgement you seem to be looking for. We certainly don't receive recognition for vacations, houses, dogs and anniversaries....nor does anyone else I know. That would just be weird. We didn't get married, so we haven't received congratulations for that.

You say that you're tired of putting your life on hold waiting for other people to get what they want and need. Why would you do this? Your wants and needs are irrelevant to their life and planning. If you want to do something, just do it. As long as you don't double book something for a night when someone else is having an event, I can't see a problem.

While it's nice that you go out of your way to congratulate other people's life milestones, I don't think it's such a regular thing for others to do. Don't throw away a wonderful relationship seeking for something you may not find elsewhere.

[michelle23]

Im not sure if youll ever get what you crave. Most inlaws from my experience dont make a big effort. They expect you to come to them. My bfs family doesnt really make any effort where mine invite us to dinner or drinks all the time. I know if i had a baby, my whole family would offer support but i doubt his would unless specifically asked. I think its harder for us women with the inlaws coz we usually expect more then they are willing to give and i just learned to accept it with time that ill always feel like a bit of an outsider with his family. It used to piss me off coz my parents love him like a son and they treat him like hes part of the family but his family are just different people, there not very close and just stick to themselves. Its only one of his uncles and his wife and their kids that really make an effort.

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[basilandthyme]

Or maybe it's just that I'm not demanding enough, like the girlfriends of his cousins. I'm not even sure how to be that way, since I didn't have females in my life growing up. I don't know what's normal in families. I don't know what's considered polite or rude or the like.

I wondered about this when you mentioned not getting help with your house. If you want help, you need to ASK for it. Back in the days before everyone was busy with kids, I remember going to people's houses to help paint or whatever. They'd issue a general call for help and in return, they'd host a barbeque for all the workers.

It's not about being 'demanding' (such an awful way to describe those girls). It's about engaging with others and not being afraid to ask for help if you need it.

[michelle23]

Ill just add, because my bfs family are so different to mine, i found it very difficult at first. The first couple of years i felt like i was walking on eggshells with his mum. Shes a really uptight person but it has gotten easier. She warmed up to me and now she does talk to me a lot about private things, family issues etc.. shes also warmer to be around. I think we both relaxed and stopped circling each other when me and my bf started living together. Maye you just need to give it more time. It took me 3 years so stop caring and to just be myself around her.

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[katewatx]

Yeah, maybe that's more the boat I'm in. Perhaps it just bothers me more because I don't have my own family to step in where they don't, so I'm scared of doing it all on my own. I've thrown parties/get togethers and invited them, but...they have excuses like they won't come unless their significant others happen to be out of town (I guess the ladies won't let them come to my place), which never really happens. They get together all the time for each other, though.

You're right, though. It's probably just something I have to accept that they're not going to be that way with me. I just worry that I'm being irresponsible knowing this far in advance that it might be that way for my kid. I don't want him/her to go without big holidays with lots of family. I also kind of worry that my boyfriend is going to think I'm the reason that doesn't happen. If it's a fairly common situation, though, I don't feel so bad about it.

[katewatx]

It's nice to know other people have the same/similar situation and have stayed strong in a relationship!

[basilandthyme]

I've thrown parties/get togethers and invited them, but...they have excuses like they won't come unless their significant others happen to be out of town (I guess the ladies won't let them come to my place), which never really happens.

OK, now THAT is weird. It's one thing to not acknowledge milestones, but it's another thing altogether to miss a party....AND to give that excuse. Does your boyfriend have any idea why this is happening? Is he close to his family?

[katewatx]

He was very close to his family for years. The cousins and him actually grew up more like siblings (he didn't have a brother or sister of his own). Now they're getting married, and one moved away to be with his wife while she's in grad school. That's totally understandable. But, the rest of the family lives within 15 miles of us. They all hang out with each other. As far as I know, we get invited only occasionally, like when my boyfriend is about to be in their wedding party and needs to know what to do. While I'm there, none of them talk to me, and when I talk they mostly pretend they don't hear me. Or they'll ask my boyfriend something by elbowing me to the side to get to him. We TRY to create times for me to get to know them and then invite them, but the most I'll hear back is "Well if ______ (the cousin's fiancee) has to go out of town for an interview, it's on!" Then, of course, he'll dodge our texts and calls from then on. I've brought this up with him, and he swears it's just their girlfriends being too controlling. He says "I never even see or talk to them anymore, it's not because of you." But, then that means his aunts and uncles and stuff don't come either, because it'll cause trouble for their sons or something. I feel like his PARENTS at the very least could make an effort to get to know me, but they just send random food home with him instead. It's sweet and I appreciate it, but they used to talk to his ex girlfriends for hours on the phone and stuff. They're very standoffish with me, and we've been together way longer.

[michelle23]

It sounds like they have some issue with you. Its hard coz you have no family so i can understand why you want to feel more involved in his. I felt the same way for a long time (not coz i dont have family) but because its nice to feel welcome and part of his circle but some people are just freaking weird. My bfs mum hates his brothers gf and seems to love me more because she hates her which is weird.. i feel sorry for the brothers gf shes a nice person but the problem is he got with her too fast after his ex and the family liked the ex so they have always hated new girl (even though they are together 4 years now).

I find that weird too coz my family are not like that. I didnt like my cousins gf at first coz i no she cheated on some exes but there together 4 years, have a child and shes never hurt him so i love her now..

I dono if this is something that really bothers you then maybe you need to decide if theres a future coz you do need supportive family especially if you have kids x

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[katewatx]

Yeah, I think I'm in the exact same situation as your...girlfriend-in-law (for lack of a better term :p)! His grandmother is WONDERFUL to me. But, unfortunately she lives REALLY far away and is very old. Eventually, I'll have to deal with these people on my own without her...yikes. Of course, she chooses to live out in the middle of nowhere on her own, as an elderly woman, far away from all of them...maybe there's a good reason. lol Maybe after like 90 years, she knows it's too much trouble to try to please them. Thanks for the talk/advice! That's a lot more clarity than I had before, knowing that it's not just a rare situation.