ok so basically i have been with my boyfriend for two years and mostly our relationship is great! however at the very start of the relationship he cheated on me twice and this has caused serious problems still 2 years on. I only discovered this because he was caught by a cousin of mine kissing girls on a night out. He told me about his cheating on a night out drunk when threatened by my cousin that she would reveal the truth to me if he didn't. When he told me I was drunk and in public so I didn't ask many questions at all plus he was crying and I didn't want to cause a scene and embarass myself! We had only been together 2 months and I basically stayed with him because i didn't want to look stupid that I couldnt make it work. He had come to meet my parents that weekend so I just pretended I was ok with it and i forgave him because he was drunk when it happened and he said he didn't even remember it but that if my cousin saw it it must be true. We stayed together and we had a great relationship until one day 6 months later he left his fb open and I discover that 2 weeks prior to the indiscreation I knew of he had gone to a family party and hooked up with 5 girls as you can imagine I felt like a fool!! I found this out just as we were going to his cousins wedding where the people who had wittnessed him cheat on me would be! I also found out he did remember the second night he cheated and he had tried to cover it up. At this stage in our relationship I was in love with him and because he had been faithful since the night my cousin saw him so I forgave him but I have not forgotten!! Also when I confronted him over that lie I also finally let all my feelings out about when he told me about his cheating 6 months before. We agreed to move past it because I really did love him and I knew he had grown up since then. however I still feel completly insecure when ever he goes out as I'm convinced that if he is out with the same people he was with when he cheated in the first place he will do it again and its a feeling I cant shake! I feel crazy and like a bitch for questioning him when he is out or going out because I know from how he treats me and how he acts that he loves me and everyone of our friends tell me how lucky I am its just a lot of the trust has been eroded and I am the type of person that cannot let go im stubborn! I am jealous of basically any girl who smiles r txts him even old school friends of his and on nights i go out without him and get plastered I cause more harm than good by coming home and bringing up the past.
I am going to drive him away if I cannot let this go and I just want to build the trust back again. I know in my heart he is a great guy who is so kind and sensitive and he just made mistakes on two nights at the start of his first ever realtionship but its the scenarios in my head that are driving me crazy. Sometimes I think if I kiss someone else I will feel better as we will be even but I could never hurt him like that. Just looking for some advice on how to get over this..I need to soon its been over a year since i found out everything and the stress will tear us apart if I don't learn to deal with the past.