Give and take

[Boisdevie]

Am I right to feel pisssed off about the following situation:
This weekend I spent 10 hours doing stuff I don't really enjoy but my GF wanted me to be there. I wanted us to spend just 2 hours doing stuff I like doing and she had a hissy fit. What really worries me is that if she's unwilling to do stuff I like to do then I'm going to do the same and it'll damage our relationship.

[Starnique]

Is she always like this? Do you all normally do things that the both of you like to do?

I ask because that will determine if she is just all about herself and maybe thats just her character which you don't have to deal with. Communicate to her how you feel about what happened and how you didn't like it and see if there are any changes in the future.

[Boisdevie]

Is she always like this? Do you all normally do things that the both of you like to do?

I ask because that will determine if she is just all about herself and maybe thats just her character which you don't have to deal with. Communicate to her how you feel about what happened and how you didn't like it and see if there are any changes in the future.

I often do things that I know she likes to do and I don't feel (she may disagree) that I often ask her to do things I like to do. So I'm annoyed because it feels like it's one way traffic at the moment. I have let her know exactly how I feel. She wanted to go to a Xmas market tomorrow - I hate the idea so I've told her I'll not go. I don't want to be mean but I don't want to be a doormat either.

[DalM0m]

It's got to be about compromise. My DH didn't want to help me decorate my office yesterday but he did it. I didn't want to go to some comedy show a few weeks ago, but I went.

If she isn't willing to give to get, you may have a problem.

[Kromat83]

Almost looks like she isn't good with trying things she isn't familiar with.
I don't know why someone would like to only be about themselves, then what is the point of her being in the relationship, if she can't accept what you like to do and share it with her.
There needs to be compromise, or this relationship will fail, from only one giving.

[HeartIsAching]

I think you need to avoid a transactional relationship. I think that if you feel "Well, I did ______, so you should ____ with me", you've already lost. If she isn't interested in making you happy too, then what's the point?

[michelle23]

I remember watching that film "the breakup" and the main point made in it is something like "you dont always do things (example going to a play) coz you like it or want to-you do it coz the person you love wants to and its a sacrifice you need to make.. but of course she needs to do the same. Have you asked her to do something you want to as well?

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[Boisdevie]

Have you asked her to do something you want to as well?

Of course. I wanted us to have a walk yesterday. We could only walk for 2 hours which for me is nothing at all but she wanted us to spend the evening with her son because it was his birthday. I was perfectly fine with this but she complained like **** during the walk and said she's never going to walk with me again. So it leaves me thinking 'well **** you then'. I didn't ask her to walk 12 hours with me in the pissing rain - the weather was lovely and she still bloody complained. And I'd spent 6 hours on Friday evening going with her and granddaughter to a Disney on ice - I hate ****ing Disney and all the commercialism that goes with it but I went and I did all the driving. So I've done my fair share.

[michelle23]

What did she say when you told her how you feel about this?

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[pcmaster]

I think you should make these things that you hate more pleasant. For example next time she goes to walk with you be fun entertain her talk alot and buy her icecream. Walk slowly and dont rush her. Fat people dont like walking.

Also next time you do something that you hate. Ask her for some special favor.

[Boisdevie]

What did she say when you told her how you feel about this?

I shall hear what she has to say when I see her on Saturday. I was meant to be there today and tomorrow but I came home as I was too angry. I've told her I don't want to talk until then - perhaps she'll have time to reflect.

[michelle23]

Okay thats your choice but i dont think letting things fester is a good idea. I always feel its better to resolve conflict asap.. never go to bed angry at each other and all that.. can you meet her before saturday to try and solve this? Todays only monday..

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[TheEvilJester]

I think you need to avoid a transactional relationship. I think that if you feel "Well, I did ______, so you should ____ with me", you've already lost. If she isn't interested in making you happy too, then what's the point?

You know, I've heard people say this a lot. It is good advice, but I think it also somewhat misses the point in most cases. I mean, so are you implying that you should enjoy doing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING together? If this were the ENTIRE relationship.... sure, I'd agree with this advice. If your entire relationship consists of each of you doing things you don't enjoy because your significant other did something for you that they didn't enjoy, then yeah, maybe that is two people who shouldn't be together.

I very much doubt this is what Boisdevie is talking about. Sometimes relationships are about compromise. There is nothing wrong with that. So, this to me is a perfect example of a time when it would be perfectly acceptable to expect a give and take type arrangement.

Boisdevie,

Not knowing you two well enough, I can't say if this is just an isolated incident, or a pattern of behavior. So, you could better decide based on that. Also, a question... did you discuss ahead of time that what you did for her isn't necessarily something you'd want to do, so you just ask if she can in turn do one thing for you? I mean, it doesn't really make much of a difference since your request truly should not have been such a big deal, but I was just curious.

This sounds A LOT like one of the things that helped me to start finally waking the Hell up and realizing what a worthless person my ex was. I took her to an anime convention she wanted to go to because nobody else could go with her. I don't really like anime very much, nor do I like conventions all that much. But, we went and spent something like 12 or 14 hours there. Meanwhile, even though it isn't my thing, I found a way to enjoy myself. Because, if I took her but was just a miserable jerk the whole time, I might as well just not have bothered.

I didn't even ask her. SHE OFFERED to do something in return. So, ALL I ASKED was to play a board game the next day I had just recently received for my birthday. I had played it with friends and fell in love with the game. It was the first game I'd ever played beyond the classics like Clue, Life, Monopoly, etc. It takes maybe 2 hours to play the game at best. So, the next day rolls around and she is sitting her worthless @$$ on the couch all day with her nose glued to the computer. To be honest, I had been extremely frustrated with her for a number of reasons lately, so I'd about had it, and just didn't want anything to do with her anyway. Around 12:00 midnight, she looks up from the computer finally and says "Did you still want to play your stupid game?"

Sorry, a-hole, but some of us have work in the morning. Too little too late. That was one of the many little things that finally built up and made me realize I deserved SO much better. I hope in your case it is just an isolated incident, and something you can discuss with her and get through. But, just take it from a guy with experience.... don't put up with it for long or it won't ever change. If this is something that has gone on a lot, or continues to go on a lot, you may need to either a) make it clear that it is not okay, and you cannot stay with somebody who would treat you like that, b) end it and explain this is why, or c) all of the above.

Good luck, my friend.

[HeartIsAching]

You know, I've heard people say this a lot. It is good advice, but I think it also somewhat misses the point in most cases. I mean, so are you implying that you should enjoy doing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING together? If this were the ENTIRE relationship.... sure, I'd agree with this advice. If your entire relationship consists of each of you doing things you don't enjoy because your significant other did something for you that they didn't enjoy, then yeah, maybe that is two people who shouldn't be together.

Nope, not at all. It means that if SHE is uninterested in doing what HE wants once in a while simply because it will make him happy, then perhaps he should consider moving on. A transactional relationship implies that she owes him something for something he did for her.

The example you gave is actually a classic transactional relationship. You had sufficient interest in her to do something that she liked, and the maturity to actually fake it well enough that you weren't a drag, while she ignored your wishes all day, and when she finally intimated that she was ready to play, she called it a name to make sure you knew she wasn't happy about it: "I'm going to give you what you want, because I owe it to you" Kind of like paying the toll going over a bridge, or a parking citation.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Stop treating her like a girlfriend and start treating her like a ****, while you search for another chick. This one sounds like a bitch, and if I recall from other threads you've also described other forms of bitchiness.