Help!! How can I make him understand?

[strawberrykiss]

*Sorry for the long explanation*

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and we recently got engaged. I love him with all my heart but I have a problem with the fact that he does not satisfy me sexually. More so he doesn't seem to care...

When we first got together I explained to him that I have a high sex drive, I had never been able to explore my full sexual desires due to the past relationships I were in, the guys generally being jerks. I was single for 2 years before this relationship during this time I met a guy who at the time I thought wanted a relationship, but ended up he was just into the physical. But our sexual relationship. Why is this relevant? For the first time I was having orgasms and enjoying sex...so I know what my body is capable of and I wanted to continue to enjoy and explore (obviously I have not told my fianc�e this justification just that I have a high sex drive)

Sex generally lasts about 10 minutes if were lucky. This is due to the way he has sex. He doesn't do slow or intimate it is just pounding very fast and then he comes and goes to sleep. I have spoken with him about it many times from various different angles.

Some examples of the issues:

Kissing neck and intimate parts.....he bites me with his teeth. I explained that it hurts and turns me off instantly but he still does it.
Kissing the cookie....he is either going in a million directions at once. Or he does it with no feeling just for about 40 secs to get me wet so he can penetrate.
Sex....it is completely silent. He rests all his weight on me. It is so fast and so quick that I cant feel it well enough to enjoy it. No other positions just same old stuff.
Turning me on = grabbing my intimate parts or rubbing his "P" against my bum. Which do not turn me on and I have explained this. There is no hugging, no kissing no sexy talking.

Now I know what your thinking, just explain... but I have tried. From writing down what I like....how to touch me.....how to make love to me.....talking dirty. I have shown him by getting him to agree to let me lead him through what feels good. explaining step by step whilst he did it. I have taken the lead and shown him. Tried to suggest books or techniques we can do so it lasts longer. But he tries it that one time I show him and then that's it. He goes back to the way he did it before, if I bring it up then he moans and tells me that I'm nagging him. That he tried it so he doesn't understand why I am complaining. Which has left me now not wanting to have sex at all.

Before he met me he drank a lot, so I suspect this has a lot to do with his lasting issues. Which causes me issues as I can no longer do foreplay on him as if I touch him or try "O" then he finishes before we even get started.

Please help me with some advice I don't know what else I can do....

[pcmaster]

Give him read this.

And if he still dont change then say him its over. Dont do sex if you dont want to. If he dont make you feel good as priority then he dont deserve your body.

[troyhoughton]

It soundls like you have done all the right things strawberrykiss, had conversations with him about it and even gone so far as to even show him what you would want. This has all gone on deaf ears. This man is self centered and does not care about you he is in it for his own sexual satisfaction that is it. I would tell him this is a huge problem for you in your relationship and if he does not begin to try and satisfy like you need, yoi have to tell him you will not be able to continue with your engagement. If things do not improve, do not stay in the relationship as you will regret it down the road. If you are not happy now you will be unhappy even after you get married if there is no change.

[Wakeup]

Either stop him when he does or doesn't do what you want (that you've already told him about ) and get out of bed. (By stop I mean stop the sex session all together) and then TEACH him then and there how you want to be made love to and see if he is open to learning so that he can actually satisfy you orally if not through penetration. If you continue on with this man and marry him, then you are setting yourself up to be dissatisfied as his wife, more prone to allowing other attractive men "get" to you and you'll resent him for the selfish ****tard he appears to be.

If you don't stop him, if you continue on and let him finish when you've plainly told him that what he is doing is not what you want him doing, then you are teaching him that it's okay. STOP the sex session immediately, do it calmly and matter of factly as you get up and leave the bed to go to the other side of the room and explain to him again, that the two of you need to be more on the same page for this relationship to flourish.

[smackie9]

If this has been an issue throughout your relationship then why the f uck are you engaged? You have had a whole year to fix this issue with him...it's too damn late now....he is just a lousy lover, and most of the time you can't turn them into the lover you want this late in the game. I feel you are just wasting your time, because marriage is tough enough, and to have this problem? You are so doomed.

[Wakeup]

I feel that if their love is real and this is their only issue, then she owes it to herself to try (particularily since she's asked how she can try to get him to see what she's going through). If after making it perfectly clear to him with her actions as well as her words (don't think she's shown him in actions yet) that whats been going on will no longer be tolerated, with kind instruction, THEN if nothing changes, then she should just forget marriage with this one and find someone that is at least open to suggestion.

Adding: I would think it was too late as well if she had been faking and making him think that he was a good lover but she hasn't been, she's talked to him but he's not listening... she needs to stop enabling him to be selfish.

[smackie9]

Like I said she's had a year to fix it....he's not listening so what would say another 6 months do?

[counselor78]

I know exactly where your coming from. I just ended a 12 year marriage because of the same issue. Please dont marry this guy. You will wind up cheating on him or miserable.

[Wakeup]

Like I said she's had a year to fix it....he's not listening so what would say another 6 months do?

I gave her altering advice then to just "talk" to him. He's not listening. If she takes actual action, then she's at least giving him a chance to remedy. If nothing changes then she at least knows she did everything possible before leaving someone she still loves.

[Divine]

First of all, I agree with the others, it sounds like he is quite self-centered. I would think that if he was truly in love with you, he would be motivated to make you feel good. Marriage is about sacrificing for each other. It's probably ok for him to do that every once in a while and for you to dedicate some time to him, but if he does not do the same for you then there is a serious problem with the balance in your relationship. It is clearly out of balance. If he would do this with sex, who is to say he wouldn't do it in other areas of your life? I would have a serious talk with him about how that will affect your long term relationship. If that doesn't work, then I'm afraid it sounds like you're setting yourself up for failure.

[michelle23]

This guy wont change. Hes a selfish and lazy lover and doesn't give a f**k that you do not like it. Showing him this, threatening to leave, counselling etc may work temporarily for a month or two but then he will just go back to being lazy and selfish again.. this is who he is. I would NOT marry him, no way. I would have packed my bags 8 or 9 months ago

sex is important to me and I could not be with someone like this.

[michelle23]

This guy wont change. Hes a selfish and lazy lover and doesn't give a f**k that you do not like it. Showing him this, threatening to leave, counselling etc may work temporarily for a month or two but then he will just go back to being lazy and selfish again.. this is who he is. I would NOT marry him, no way. I would have packed my bags 8 or 9 months ago

sex is important to me and I could not be with someone like this.