fighting over dishes.. right and wrong getting very fuzzy. your opinions please.

[LeoNeidr]

Hi there. First post. In a serious relationship.

Now. Apologies for the wall of text. Skip down to the mustache man for a simplified conclusion of the issue.

We have been having different opinions about the dishes lately. I know how silly this sounds but its driving me mad.

My gf/partner works full time. Im starting study in feb / march. I dont share her income, i have my own, but im bored most of the time at home. so, i DONT rely on her for money, that is clear.

I have basically agreed to cook for her and do dishes every night she works. I get that she is tired and she gets sore neck and shoulders.
Just before we left on the 30th for our new years holiday, i cleaned the entire house while she was out.
I seem to do most of the cleaning, although she does pitch in.. but it seems like I am left with the majority. She says it hurts her neck and shoulders to do them you see.. so whenever i bring it up, i get put in the 'selfish' or 'cruel' category, or whatever.

my current matter is that last night, we cooked equally, but then the dishes were just left. she had no intention of doing them.
we had a big talk like i like getting them done right after dinner so the place is clean. she likes to leave them and do them in her own time. but, if shes at work... then i'm obviously gonna end up doing them. i said well there just left for me, again..

i was sort of annoyed that she didnt do them.. so sourly i did them. she accused me of 'having a tantrum' and implied i was in the wrong to complain that she wasnt doing them because her shoulders have to be in good state before work tomorrow. she was very tired etc. i didnt really buy it. the problem is.. u cant fight easily with people who argue with ailments on their side.. because they can get very emotional.. BUT at the same time, how much are they just USING it. I get the feeling like she just hates doing dishes -.-

but i could be wrong. im really confused about this. i just thought it would have made sense she do them last night since i did the whole house before leaving.. yet now im the bad guy here. were didnt talk for the rest of the night. she left a note this morning saying how upset she was and that she feels betrayed.

she sounds like a bit of a princess but she is lovely and nice and sweet and we make a good couple but this is our current issue.


I really think the simplified issue is this.. Because i dont work and she does.. she expects me to do most / almost all of the housework. and i do. but even on her days off (3 of them) i still do some of it .. she definitely does some, but we still have some fights about it. she really does get sore neck and shoulders, i know this to be true.. but last night felt unfair.. i asked her how were her shoulders and she said fine.. but didnt do them.. but then argued that she didnt do them because it would hurt them.. but i think she just didnt THINK about doing them cause the time didnt suit her.

I have no idea here. because i dont work.. should i just be happy to do them all the time? it just seems that.. because i DO this, she should want to do them when she has the opportunity.. and that note saying she felt betrayed this morning.. she just hated that i brought up the dishes last night.. it was so right for her to leave them for me even though i had done so much before our holiday -.-

is she being unfair, or should i just shut up and do them? really hate this. she is very stubborn in a fight and so am i so its tearing us apart. thanks for your opinions.

[Wakeup]

Have you asked her who will have the shoulder strength to lift the dishes when you are in school and then working? Will the maid she pays for help her with the pain that dish water causes her?

Princess? She sounds like a shrew who has you whipped and thinking you're a beast just for wanting her to do her share.

I suggest you ask her does she expect you to always do them and get a real answer from her so that you can decide if you are going to be willing to do that without the resentment. If you're not, then you best figure something out that works for the two of you. Of course, as long as she's working and you're not... then you should just do them like a good little house keeper. Women have been doing this for centuries so, work it out or aquience to it without resentment.

[smackie9]

Of course, as long as she's working and you're not... then you should just do them like a good little house keeper. Women have been doing this for centuries so, work it out or aquience to it without resentment.

I agree with this. You are just annoyed because you just don't like doing them.....well we don't like doing it either but we do it anyway without resentment....it just has to get done.

What the dishes take 20 mins out of your day when she is working 8 hour shifts??? As for cleaning the whole house, that is where you should put your foot down. You both should divide the chores equally, do your own laundry. If not put some cash together and have a molly maid come in once a week.

[basilandthyme]

My thoughts are that she should get some remedial massages and get the shoulders fixed. And have monthly treatments if need be.

Then she'll be able to help (or at least have no decent excuse not to)

[Starnique]

I agree with the above posters. I mean, who loves doing the dishes? I don't mind doing them because I know they have to be done. Yes, you are home the majority of the time, so naturally, you're going to find yourself doing most of the cleaning. If I worked all day and came home and the kitchen was a mess, and a guy has been there all day, then yeah I would have an attitude because I don't feel like I should have to come home and clean up when you've been here all day.

However, it is a joint effort. Example, if she is home all day on the days she is off, then there is no reason she shouldn't do the dishes. Its not going to kill her shoulders that bad. That's an excuse. She just doesn't feel like she should have to do them. She brings home the bacon, you cook and clean it up. If she is cooking or you are, then clean up as you go. I always do that. Less mess afterwards. If I was in that position, it wouldn't be a big deal. I'd just clean them whenever I seen the need. Who really is going to wait to someone else get home or go tell someone, the dishes need washed. You need to talk to her about this because although its a small problem, its causing problems and it can become a big issue. If either of you are unwilling (especially her), then suggest Molly Maids as suggested (it shouldn't have to be that deep) but it is what it is.

[4 ratties]

U said she has three days off. So does that mean she's got like fri, sat, sun off? I would say she should clean and help at least one day that she worked and then a couple days that she is off. So that she is helping like 3 days a week and u are doing it 4 days since u have more time and energy than her.
Maybe make a list or put a calendar on the fridge. Write down who did the dishes that day.
How is she lovely, sweet and nice When she is lazy, entitled, and unappreciative? She's just loving the fact that she has come up with excuses that you buy so that she doesn't have to do anything. If she doesn't start helping and u can't come up with a plan, I fear your relationship will be a very unhappy one. What does she say when feb comes? That the chores will be split 50/50?