My BF is talking to another girl and lying about it

[Blanket]

Hi guys, I just joined and this is my first post but from what I've seen in my lurker days I know everyone can be very helpful. Apologies for the long post but it's necessary to understand the situation, I have tried to stick to bullet points and keep it concise. ***PLEASE READ***, I really need advice. Thank you for all your help in advance.

A little about me:
- I'm a 21 year old virgin (originally from Pakistan, but have lived in Canada since I was little)
- I have been in 2 serious relationships. The first was over a year and the second just 5 months, but both were long distance as they were working in the oil sands. Both of these relationships ended because they cheated on me.
- I'm pretty open about sexuality/all topics surrounding and I'm more experienced than you would expect a virgin to be (despite not having had sex).
- During my past relationships I made sure my guy was satisfied and that I wasn't blue balling him every time we fooled around
- Relationships are complicated in my family, I need to make sure that the guy I'm dating will be able to handle taking it slow and this is why I have been very picky about my partners.

About the bf:
- I met my current bf a little over a month ago, and we have a lot in common.
- He's 23, we're both studying the same subject in uni (and now in 2 of the same classes), are passionate about working out, etc etc.
- I've never been attracted to someone as much as I am to him, and he has straight told me that he has never met someone as level headed and kind as I am.
(He also recently told me that when he first met me he thought I was a party girl who had slept with a ton of men.)
- As it stands right now, I told him that we could have sex as long as he gets tested for any STI's, he is working on getting an appointment to see his doctor.

The situation:
- Around three weeks into seeing him, we were hanging out playing video games at his place (gears of war, I kicked butt) and eventually one thing led to another, and I ended up going farther than I intended.
- It was my first time doing anal, and it didn't last for long, but it definitely wasn't my favourite thing in the world.
-The next day, he was very unresponsive.
- Obviously this felt pretty crappy and I drove myself a little crazy trying to figure out how I could fix things. **I'm not proud of the following**.
- I had noticed his top 3 friends on snap chat were all girls, and in a crazy frenzy I ended up creeping them on Instagram. Nothing came of it, I came to my senses and saw how silly I was being.
- I let it go, and within the next day he started texting me again and all was right in the world.
-When we next hung out, I had decided that I wasn't comfortable seeing him if he was seeing other people. So I asked him 3 questions in a row:
1) would you say we're seeing each other?
2) are you seeing anyone else?
3) do you want to just see each other?
To which he answered "yes, no, yes" respectively.
- A few days later I was over at his place while he was paying his cell bill and started freaking out about long distance charges to his phone.
- I went over and was massaging his back and that was when the website said he had made calls to a city about 1-2 hours from where we are. ( I wasn't able to take a good look before he closed it but it was enough for me to know there was at least one hour long conversation with that number)
----then I remembered one of the girls I creeped (let's call her Amy) lives in this city.
- I asked him if he knew anyone who lives there and he said "no! Thats so random, it's a city in the middle of nowhere" and that he would call the carrier in the morning to get it sorted out.
-The next morning the first thing he texted me was about the charges and said that they were waived because the company said he was in the city when he made those calls. (This is a lie, the calls were to/from the same cell phone number)
- As we hung out more and more, I grew to forget about this happening and just assumed he had slowly stopped talking to other interests, like I had.
- Whenever he's around me he turns his phone away from me but I figured it was just a bad habit from his past ex girlfriends who were all a little iffy.
- He has chat groups on his phone with two groups of friends who chat all the time and I have (again) assumed that's why he's always on his phone.
- Amy has remained on his best friends on snap chat (number 1, I am number 2) He always talks to me about his friends, but has never brought up any girls despite me telling him about my best guy friend.

As it stands now:
-I have met his parents and one of his close group of friends, and he has asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and am confident in where we stand. Until last night.
-I was at his place watching TV, and after fooling around I was packing up my stuff to leave. He was in the bathroom and his phone starting to ring, so I reached for it and intended on running to go give it to him. As soon as I saw the caller ID, I froze. It was Amy.
-I panicked and put the phone down, and went back to packing my stuff up. When he came out of the bathroom I told him his phone was buzzing and he said "really?" And looked at it, but then did a dismissive grunt and continued talking to me. I got really awkward and left pretty quickly, normally he would tell me to text him when I'm home or tell me he would see me tomorrow/etc but nothing. I texted him when I got home and got no reply.

What I think is best:
- Approach him and ask him who Amy is without sounding accusatory. - Explain that it is bringing up bad memories of when my ex would hide things from me
- Encourage him to be honest with me and express any thoughts/feelings he may have because communication is important
- Remind him that I have been hurt before and if he cares about me he will be able to be open about things like this

If you have made it this far I am seriously impressed. I would REALLY love any insight, whether it be advice or stories of previous experiences. Am I jumping to conclusions? What should I do? How do I approach this situation?


*******EDIT: he's being very distant and unresponsive today. Not sure what to make of it. I don't know when I'll be seeing him next and have already texted him today with no reply.

[Blanket]

Also: he has been open with me about his past relationships and girls he has dated. If he runs into someone he dated when I'm around, he makes sure to tell me.

[surfhb2]

Just ask him. You've been only going out a month....don't expect a guy to drop all contact with everyone he knows just because you let him butt bang you. Go slow.....if he wants to be with you indefinitely then the other girls will fade away.

I'm in my 40s so I might be the wrong person to give advice but in the grand scheme of things this probably isn't something to freak out about.

Btw....you're no longer a virgin now...sorry to tell you that. Lol

[Wakeup]

Ask your mom what she would do.

[Blanket]

Just ask him. You've been only going out a month....don't expect a guy to drop all contact with everyone he knows just because you let him butt bang you. Go slow.....if he wants to be with you indefinitely then the other girls will fade away.

I'm in my 40s so I might be the wrong person to give advice but in the grand scheme of things this probably isn't something to freak out about.

Btw....you're no longer a virgin now...sorry to tell you that. Lol

I agree with you, and that's why I would never think about doing anything harsh like confronting him and telling him to stop talking to other girls. I'm not that type of person
I know it's bothering me enough that I need to talk to him about it, I'm just concerned that he will lie again like he has already so I would like to know how to go about asking him
As for the "virgin" term, I am aware I've messed that up. Am moving past the technicality, but I suppose I should have said that I have agreed to have vaginal sex with him once he gets tested.

[Wakeup]

I have agreed to have vaginal sex with him once he gets tested.

and how will that affect how your future husband views you?

BTW; Talking to her is one thing. The (bad) thing about that (in this instace) is that he's lying to you about it. Don't dismiss a liar as being "nothing." If it's nothing then why lie?

Don't give up too much for someone that you're not sure of. IMO: You've already allowed yourself to let down enough personal boundaries for someone you're very likely not even going to marry and who may cause you trouble when you do marry.

How strict are your parents? Are they totally traditional and expect to introduce you to the husband of their choosing?

[Blanket]

and how will that affect how your future husband views you?

BTW; Talking to her is one thing. The (bad) thing about that (in this instace) is that he's lying to you about it. Don't dismiss a liar as being "nothing." If it's nothing then why lie?

I've started to grow unsure about having sex with him, but now it depends on how this situation pans out. I've never planned on saving myself for my future husband. Just for the guy I'm comfortable with.
I know I shouldn't be rationalising his actions, but knowing what I know about his previous relationships I can understand why he is somewhat closed off about parts of his life. I'm a supportive and open person and I want him to be able to share things with me but I obviously can't force it on him.
The lying is what's hurting me.

[Wakeup]

How strict are your parents? Are they totally traditional and expect to introduce you to the husband of their choosing?

I think this is an important question. Particularily if he's wondering the same thing. Why get totally emotionally vulnerable to someone whose shelf life is well known?

Anyway, about her.. this "friend" talk to him about it without seeming whiney or insecure. Tell him you know that he's in contact with her and you're a tad concerned what she actually means to him since he feels the need to lie about her. That will open a dialogue that (hopefully) will allow you to understand one anothers expectation (if any).

You have to be able to talk to your romantic partner about anything, if you're afraid to, then you're still not secure in how he is feeling about you which is a damn good reason not to let down personal boundaries.

Something to think about.

[Blanket]

Wow this makes perfect sense. I am worried/afraid to talk to him about it, I've just pinned it on my recent onset of anxiety.
My parents had an arranged marriage, my mom has made it clear that she doesn't expect the same for my sister and I and says that we have the freedom of dating. That being said, it's a foreign concept to her. She met my ex when we were dating and was pretty quiet about it but that is the way she usually copes with things.
My dad is avoidant, he doesn't know what is going on in any of our lives regarding romance, because in his eyes my sister and I are still his little girls. Also, since he has been showing more signs of early onset dimentia, I wouldn't want to trouble him with the idea of a boyfriend until I know it is something that will last.

Before I met my boyfriend I planned a solo trip to Europe which I am 100% booked for this summer. I brought this up with him about a week ago and he was surprised, but he said that he would miss me and that we would skype a lot. I have been meaning to approach the subject with him again but, as usual, am unsure of how to do it.

[Wakeup]

I was going to say that is doesn't really matter what you mother says if your father is expecting you to be arranged but since he is showing signs of dimentia, the tradition may go to the wayside?

Anyway... just be matter of fact: "I've been having some anxiety about something to do with us and I'm wondering if you can help me resolve it? He'll likely ask what it is you're concerned about and then you tell him. Then be still and let him talk. You'll hear a lot more if you just let him explain before interupting with your own thoughts, the dialogue is open and hopefully, you'll resolve and then know without a doubt that you're doing the right thing by advancing your sexuality with him.

Be well.

[Blanket]

Thank you for your help wakeup. From what friends have said and my gut feeling, I'm thinking I will strictly just ask him without any aggression "who's amy?" And wait for his response. He will wonder how I know and I think it's valid for me to say that I panicked when I was going to give him his phone (especially since I don't want to come off as a girl who looks through his stuff). I really want to encourage open dialogue with him and make him feel at ease about telling the truth so I want to avoid anything that would come off as accusatory or negative. I don't know how men react to situations like that though and the last thing I would want is for him to think I'm trying to control him so I think I'm just trying to figure out what not to say?

Yes my mom and dad have different views, but my parents have talked about the topic of dating and they both know it will happen. As I said though, my dad is quick to avoid the situation. I'm treading this situation carefully. I want my mom to meet my bf but I feel like it's too soon and there's too much uncertainty in this relationship currently. I'm also just confused to why he would ask me to be his girlfriend if he has still been talking to Amy all this time.

[Blanket]

Anyone else?