My partner is chronically ill

[unknown21]

Hi
I just spent the week in hospital with my partner. I am 22 years old and this is my first proper relationship my partner is 32. I knew he had a condition (still not sure what it is called since it's a very long medical term he used with the dr I know what it entails though) from the beginning but this is the first time since we have been going out (for 9 months now) that he has gone to hospital. It never really hit reality until now not just him going to hospital more so what he said in hospital when we were discussing a 80 yr old man that was in the hospital bed across to him that spent the day listening to the radio and I said you will be like that when you're 80. And he said I won't live that long. I questioned him about it and even though I knew, it still hurts. He explained (once again to me) that been in and our of hospital for years. This was the longest period he's been away from having to be admitted to hospital (just over a year).
I don't know if I can handle this? We have spoken about having kids together in the future but the fear of having kids then him dying etc. Maybe it's just the shock of reality. It's weird because I volunteer at a suicide prevention hotline and I have talked a few people out of committing suicide but yet this is too much for me?
I don't know. Maybe I'm being self fish I know it is my choice in the end, one what I do but needed fresh thoughts and opinions I may not have thought about.

[Lord Darkshire]

You are not being selfish at all. His fate is not your rsponsability. You gave it a shot and realize this is something you know you can't live with. You are a young and vibrant person, you don't have to sacrifice that for him. If you talk to him about your feelings, I'm sure he will understand. You are only dating for 9 months, that is hardly an invested time. It would be different if you both were married for 25 years. I say it's time to move on.

[dem862]

Most people don't live to 80. Without knowing what he has, his prognosis, and treatment options, it is impossible to make an accurate prediction about longevity. But if you are looking for a reason to bail out of a relationship, illness is as good as any I suppose.

[pcmaster]

Go on leave the guy when he needs you the most. Kick him while hes down.

However who needs a girl who feels sorry instead of feeling love? Better leave before you made everything only worse with your pitty. Dont give a hope where there is not. Never look down on anybody unless you helping them up.

[unknown21]

Most people don't live to 80. Without knowing what he has, his prognosis, and treatment options, it is impossible to make an accurate prediction about longevity. But if you are looking for a reason to bail out of a relationship, illness is as good as any I suppose.

I'm not looking for a reason to bail - just don't know if I can handle spending my life in and out of hospital and then watch him die. I'm going to see him today, he's out of hospital - I'm going to ask him more about his condition all I pretty much know is that he has lost his large intestines (years ago) because of this and his bones are quite brittle which has lead to a hip replacement and metal in his leg

[unknown21]

Go on leave the guy when he needs you the most. Kick him while hes down.

However who needs a girl who feels sorry instead of feeling love? Better leave before you made everything only worse with your pitty. Dont give a hope where there is not. Never look down on anybody unless you helping them up.

I do love him. And naturally I am sympathetic - However I also do have to think of myself and if I can handle all this and come out with my sanity still in tack. I'm seeing him today, he got discharged yesterday - we talk about almost everything we are going to talk about this - I'm going to find out more about his condition and go on from there -

[unknown21]

You are not being selfish at all. His fate is not your rsponsability. You gave it a shot and realize this is something you know you can't live with. You are a young and vibrant person, you don't have to sacrifice that for him. If you talk to him about your feelings, I'm sure he will understand. You are only dating for 9 months, that is hardly an invested time. It would be different if you both were married for 25 years. I say it's time to move on.

Thank you - for not judging and your words bring a lot of comfort. He was discharged yesterday - I'm seeing him today to find out more about his condition and to discuss it with him - I don't have intentions of parting ways today just gathering information. But I will obviously let him know how I feel, I think I will give this relationship a bit more time, maybe I just need time to adjust but I will let him know today that this is not yet working for me and it may never work for me - so I am not leading him on. I don't know I'll let you know what happens -
I'm still confused about all this :S But really thank you

[pcmaster]

You know as long as you are happy and are able to make him feel the same way theres no reason to leave. But if you feel that this sickness is sucking life out of you then.

You still are very young and it might be disgusting and hard for you to see sick people. Actually older women are more understanable to health problems so its not necessary to be alone for him he can just find someone his age with less love but more understanding. However you still have whole life ahead of you as you already might start to understand - it can be shorter than you think. Good health is a huge gift and actually meant for that one thing - living.

[unknown21]

You know as long as you are happy and are able to make him feel the same way theres no reason to leave. But if you feel that this sickness is sucking life out of you then.

You still are very young and it might be disgusting and hard for you to see sick people. Actually older women are more understanable to health problems so its not necessary to be alone for him he can just find someone his age with less love but more understanding. However you still have whole life ahead of you as you already might start to understand - it can be shorter than you think. Good health is a huge gift and actually meant for that one thing - living.

Thank you for your thoughts If I leave you're right I am sure he would probably find another later on even though he may not think so. However I like to clarify It's not disgusting for me to be around sick people. I do have some understanding of his health problems but it is different when it is happening to someone you love. And having worked with people in crisis and people with intellectual disabilities, I know it is very important to have self awareness - knowing your limits etc. His illness is not sucking the life out of me just different I guess - and I'm not happy when he is in hospital and the question more is to myself whether if I stay can I handle him being taken away from me? Or should I leave now to protect myself from that anguish? And I am happy with him but I do think a lot about the future.