How can a person feel of value when they're chronically single?

[YoungCosmo]

It seems like a tall order to ask someone involuntarily single all the time to just "have some confidence." Confidence has to come from somewhere. If you're not good or even competent at something, how can you have confidence and feel of value? It seems to say, "You're not good enough for a significant other. You're worthless."

[pcmaster]

Well every persona have a good and bad side. You choose which one to feed. You can think good or bad about yourself. Like in cartoons that white little angel above your head and that red devil who both saying you diferent things. You choose who to listen. I think thats where confidence comes from - from your own thoughts about yourself and others. We have to fight evil inside ourself before we can fight it around us.

[vashti]

It seems like a tall order to ask someone involuntarily single all the time to just "have some confidence." Confidence has to come from somewhere. If you're not good or even competent at something, how can you have confidence and feel of value? It seems to say, "You're not good enough for a significant other. You're worthless."

You FEEL valuable when you DO SOMETHING valuable. Get a job that matters.

For the record, I suspect I will not have another "significant other", due to my kid's health issues, which tend to scare men away. Do you think I should consider myself worthless?

[YoungCosmo]

That's a bit different. Besides, we already all know men find you attractive. I'm talking about those of us who aren't looked at or liked. And I used to always think the kind of job you're saying would make a difference but what will I do when I've got myself a decent paying profession and STILL have no woman? Some days, I just imagine letting myself die on the job if I don't have a girl.

[vashti]

Shoot, didn't some stranger put your sweaty penis in her mouth recently?

Get a job that matters (and note I didn't mention money). YOur self esteem will rise, and when that happens, you will be more attractive to the opposite sex.

[YoungCosmo]

Yeah but that was a one time deal. I'd rather have come away with a date than to have had sex. And what if I get a job that matters (which describes my major) and no girl gives me a chance? That's why it's more important that I find a girl now than later. There might not BE a later...

[JoeyJR]

The key to having actually value, is doing things for you, and improving yourself to be happier. Whether that be in career or relationships, socially etc.

Have values- where do you stand on life? What are your positions on things? Do you have good, solid, upstanding values or do you have corrupt, lame values?

That's part of what gives me confidence- when you have razor sharp, crystal clear values, then everything I think and do stems from that. So it is then very hard to fool me with bullsh!t.

Many people don't know what their values are or don't have faith in their own views about things- they are easily defeated.

You can add to your actual value through self-improvement.

Physically: Treat yourself well physically. That means, work on flaws you might have, whether it is being too lanky or too fat, having a poor clothing style, a poor haircut/facial hair style, etc. I believe this adds both perceived and actual value, but my focus is on actual value. Once you have improved yourself physically, in theory it should stay with you. If you gain 20 pounds of muscles, you should work on maintaining that. Body language is another important one that can be seen as both perceived and actual value, but I believe once you have implemented it in your manners and it becomes second nature, it will become actual value. And this is, in my opinion, very important, as first opinion are often formed based on body language.

Emotionally: Again, work on yourself emotionally. If you are an emotional wreck, work on improving it. If you are emotionally dependent of others to feel happy / complete, learn to love yourself and to appreciate your company in moments of solitude.

and to convey value to a woman, you must be:

Fun (incredibly important, for both short and long-term interaction)

Interesting (you should spike her emotions and her intellect)

Experienced (you've done things in life)

Comfortable in your own skin (whether that be bad-boy sloppy or GQ)

Non-needy (ever had a needy girl chasing you?)

Confident (you know what you are doing and have faith in yourself)

Sexual (you give off the impression that a roll in the hay will be worth her time)

A little dangerous (this is exciting for women)

Friendly to others (don't be a dcik to people, though girls like a little crap from you)

Independent (you live life for yourself)

Adventurous (this goes back to fun and dangerous)

Not-too-easy to get (drives them crazy and makes them chase)

Unshakable (you are not easily moved by distractions and hurdles)

Kind to children and the elderly (she'll see this as an indicator of the "real" you, the one you only slowly let out in front of her)

Skilled (you should know how to do something, preferably several things)

Care free (you don't burden her with stuff, especially your own problems)

[YoungCosmo]

It's so gay we can't be ourselves. We have to put on a facade to get girls. I always thought with girls you could afford to be yourself and to other guys, you put on the facade. I guess there's no room for earnestness in the world..

[JoeyJR]

It's so gay we can't be ourselves. We have to put on a facade to get girls. I always thought with girls you could afford to be yourself and to other guys, you put on the facade. I guess there's no room for earnestness in the world..

Stop being a CHUMP!!

Actual value should not be geared towards anyone but YOURSELF. Don't try to improve yourself solely to please others, it's a recipe for failure, believe me I've been there twice. If you try to improve yourself for others, you end up improving yourself like YOU believe they would be attract to YOU, not necessarily how YOU want to improve YOURSELF. I have two examples to give. The first one is a "what not to do", while the second one is a "what to do"

I had this crazy oneitis for a girl, it was out of control (didn't we all?) However I felt I wasn't good enough for her (didn't we all?) and I went on a path of self-improvement to try to win her over and gain her approval. What happened in the end? I started doing this I did not like in order to try to "win her" and ended up being miserable, until I somehow managed to cut all links, with the help of some friends.

The second girl was simply my muse for self-improvement, but I had learned from my mistakes. She was in a relationship when I met her and we quickly became climbing partners and activity partners (mostly climbing, yoga and hiking) and I couldn't help but grow infatuation for her which got out of hand. I wanted to be as best as I could to try to win her over, so I constantly worked on myself, but on MY TERMS. In the end, she broke up with her boyfriend, I got rebound action but that is it. However, the difference is the improvements I went through were lasting with the second girl because I had learned from my mistakes with the first one, and did so under my terms and conditions, and my desires, not my perceived desires of what she wanted in a manb.

The first girl, I shaped myself around her beliefs and desires. The second girl, I shaped myself around my own beliefs and desires. Guess which one made me happier?

[pcmaster]

It's so gay we can't be ourselves. We have to put on a facade to get girls. I always thought with girls you could afford to be yourself and to other guys, you put on the facade. I guess there's no room for earnestness in the world..

It could be true for you. To get a girl you might have to act like non wanker.

[YoungCosmo]

What makes you say I'm a wanker?

[pcmaster]

If a person can be 20 years old and virgin then it suggests person is wankinator. Also your negative attitute, constant unhealty emotional state. Besides you said anyway that you never use tissue or lube.Even if you wouldnt wank your negative attitute would be enought to kill your sexual energy and everyones sex drive around you.Its the negative thoughts that drains steals energy. Man you are on this forum many years already but still whining. Milions of people have been trying to lift you up. Still you are falling inside the black. There must be some kind of demon inside of you. You dont visit church very often do you?

[a_mandalab]

I have the same problem and have been "chronically single" as well. and I know how you feel about having to be confident about it.

I know it has nothing to do with my looks. Men hit on me a lot. But I get the feeling that no man would ever want to date me. I feel that men only hit on me to boost their ego, or they only want to cheat on their wives/gf's with me.. don't think they want to date me..

on the other end of the spectrum, I have reassessed my passed relationships and realize that I have also picked the wrong guys. Every guy I dated was an A-hole. But then again, I can't think of any other guys that I have met that would have been good guys. So I've come to the following conclusions:

1. I'm attracted to jerks
2. Jerks are attracted to me
3. Only jerks approach me

Not sure why this is so.. maybe it's that most men are jerks.. or maybe because no man really wants to settle down with a pretty girl..

[searock]

It's so gay we can't be ourselves. We have to put on a facade to get girls. I always thought with girls you could afford to be yourself and to other guys, you put on the facade. I guess there's no room for earnestness in the world..

I can't believe you still keep going on with this crap.

My boyfriend is himself with me.

Mind blown!!!!!!!!

[VincenzoG91]

It's so gay we can't be ourselves. We have to put on a facade to get girls. I always thought with girls you could afford to be yourself and to other guys, you put on the facade. I guess there's no room for earnestness in the world..

Work on becoming a better version of yourself. Create your own value. Then you will feel better about yourself and your heightened self-esteem will make you more attractive to women, because women tend to be attracted to confident guys.