Ok so I did something very very stupid recently and I am afraid I might of cost myself the most wonderful person I have ever met. I am 30 years old and I have been with this guy(who is 31) for 3 years. I know this man is my soul mate..he is my heart and soul. I'd never been the type of girl to really believe in soul mates/true love until I met him. He's sweet and kind, we have so much in common(including a weird enjoyment of comic books hence my username). He's my best friend in the world and I know that no matter what happens this guy is it for me, nobody will ever take his place..he's my forever. About a month ago he made me the happiest woman ever by asking me to marry him, to which I of course said yes without any hesitation.
Now here is the part where I did something really really stupid. This guy is amazing, but unfortunately guys I have been with in the past(I have only been in 3 serious relationships) all turned out to be not great guys. They were cheaters and liars and although I never loved them in the way I love my fiance, the fact that I couldn't seem to an attract an honest guy really had a big effect on me, perhaps bigger then I would of admitted. I was so happy when he asked me to marry him, but I will admit that soon after I woke up with a horrible knot in my stomach. I love this man and I know he would never ever hurt me or cheat on me, but the problem is I also thought the same thing about the guys in past relationships and it turned out I was very very wrong. A part of me did begin to panic because even though I had gotten over those guys I could still remember how horrible it felt, and I knew that this guy..if he ever hurt me like that, I don't think I'd ever recover. I do not think I would ever be able to love again, to trust again. This broke my heart and scared me and I wanted to be sure this would not happen, even though my fiance had never given me any reason to doubt him.
So I did something stupid..as I said he had proposed a month ago and not long after I knew that for an upcoming weekend he would be going out for a "guys night out" with some very old friends. He does not do things like this often. Not that he does not hang out with friends often, but rather the whole going out and drinking, etc. thing. Knowing this in advance I started to get an idea that at first I brushed off, but then I kept thinking about. I know it was stupid..but I told my concerns a good friend of mine and told her how I was so in love but at the same time so scared of being hurt again and we basically came up with a way of testing my fiances loyalty to me. I know just typing that I sound awful..I realize this. Anyways, I knew the bar that my guy and his friends would be going to and so the plan was to have a girl I knew(but he did not) go there and..well..try to hit on him and sleep with him. I know this sounds very sleezy . I felt like I was acting like a stupid teenager, but at the same time I just was so afraid of being hurt again. My friend introduced me to one of her cousins who agreed to help out. The plan was basically simple, she would approach my fiance at the bar and begin a flirtation with him, etc. to see if he would agree to leave with her. Obviously she was not going to actually sleep with him if for whatever reason he agreed, so it was set up so that if he did agree to go screw this chick that she would suddenly get an "emergency text message" and have to leave immediately.
I can't believe I actually went through with this test, but I did..and thankfully my boyfriend passed with flying colors. I had made sure to tell this girl to not try to come on too strong in a way that might scare a guy off, but at the same time to obviously try to act like she was interested. But he still told her no, still told her that he was not a single man. I felt guilty, but I also felt very relieved about this. The problem came about a week or so later. I do not know why, I was very tired this night and I was just not thinking, but I had left my laptop open with my facebook signed in to take a shower, my fiance was playing a videogame during this, so I did not really think anything of it in terms of logging myself out, etc. Apparently though he decided he did want to check his email and went to use my laptop and I had left messages open, some of them from the friend who had introduced me to her cousin who did this test, and in them I had thanked her for helping me while also apologizing to her a bit for dragging her into this, etc. Basically, the messages were a discussion about what had happened and he read them. I feel so so stupid for this, I know this was stupid. I know this is something you would think teenage girls would do and not a grown woman, I know I should not of let past heartbreaks influence my relationships in the present.
The problem is though that he did find out and he was very devastated. He was really really hurt by the fact that I set something like this up..that I did not trust him. I burst into tears when I found out that he knew what I did..I still find myself crying a lot because I am scared I have pushed away the love of my life. He's very hurt by the fact I did this after accepting his proposal. He says he would of been hurt even if we were not engaged, but the fact that this is something I decided to do after saying I'd marry him makes it worse and I completely understand and I feel so stupid. I don't know what to do..he said maybe we should not be calling each other fiance anymore This broke my heart into a million pieces. He did not officially say the engagement was off, but he just did not seem sure. He was very hurt that I did this to him and I couldn't trust him. He was not mean to me about it, but he did seem hurt.
I guess my question is what do I do? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I did a very stupid thing and how can I make him understand how sorry I am and how much I regret what happened. I do not want to lose the love of my life, what can I say to make this better? How do I go about it? Do I give him some time to himself? Or would doing that make him think I did not care and just make things worse? I do not know what to do, it's only been a few days but I can't eat and I have barely slept much. I have been drinking way more coffee then normal lately just so I can keep myself alert at work. I know this has been a long post, but I just needed to vent this all out there somewhere. I feel like I can't believe that I did this, I feel like this is something you would see a horrible girl do to her boyfriend on a soap opera or something. I know I was very scared of being hurt again and wanted to be sure I was making the right choice, but I also know that was no excuse. I..I just do not know what to do. My heart hurts knowing I've hurt him.