Frustrated and discouraged

[Michelle_Lynn]

I have no idea how to stop this pattern and could use some ideas. This is my second marriage. I was a stay home mom for the entire time I was married to my first husband. Raised the kids and watched them all leave home. After 30 years of marriage, we divorced. I worked at a few office jobs while I was single before I met my second husband. We dated for years and he knew I wasn't a career woman when he asked me to marry him. The agreement was he provided for us and I would stay home and maintain our home. We discussed it in detail.

It works well. I am a spotless house keeper, I make all meals, do all the laundry, maintain our personal finances, we have an active sex life, I mow the lawns and maintain the landscaping, and there are few household chores or even personal care chores that he has done in years. But when we have a problem and he is upset with me... his first angry words are to call me a deadbeat. No matter how much I challenge that or reason with him about how wrong that is to say... that is where he goes with his words. At first it was hurtful... now after three years of marriage, it is creating withdrawal issues with me... and I find myself less and less happy with him. Am I the only woman in the world who doesn't work outside the home?

[AnErin]

If you two discussed this arrangement in detail then he should understand this is how it is.
He probably doesn't see that maintaining a household is a full time job in itself. Yet it is. You are doing not only a woman's job around the house but also a man's job (maintaining landscape). Yeah I know stereotyping but anyways...
A lot more women are working outside the home but some of them are still "stay at home" wives.
If you were to get a job, then he would have to help pick up the slack of preparing meals, doing his own nasty laundry, etc.

You are not a dead beat. A dead beat is someone who does nothing all day except sleep til noon, eat, watch TV, play video games, let laundry and dishes pile up, lets bills go, plays on the cell phone non-stop...

What does this guy expect? You may not be working the 9 to 5 grind with some asshole boss breathing down your neck but you do have a full time job.

[Michelle_Lynn]

I think he has so much focus on career (even his own) that he judges by it. That's fine if that's his choice... but I think placing his standard on me has begun to wear me down. Had he approached our marriage with wanting me to be a career woman I wish he would have expressed it before the I do's. He knew I had spent my life raising children and being a full time wife and mother. If he wants to change what we agreed too, that's fine. A person can decide if something is working for them or not. But other than name calling when he is displeased with me, he never mentions me working outside the home. I have to say though, I am nagged with the thoughts that if he feels that way when he's angry.. there might be something to it as far as his real feeling on the matter. If there is, to call me a deadbeat comes with such a disrespectful base.... I am not sure I want to be with someone who thinks that little of me. I love him... But life isn't just about love.

[smackie9]

This has nothing to do with you not bringing home the beacon....he knows you do your worth to the relationship, and household. He says that you are a dead beat because he wilfully wants to hurt you. This man is an asshole, lashing out at you abusively. There is nothing right about this kind of behavior, it's a form of abuse. He most definitly has communication problems and anger issues. I suggest counseling but if he is just going to get his back up about it, it's time to leave.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds ****ed up. You should probably just leave, since it sounds like he doesn't really respect you, and might resent you. Doubt this is going to change.

[Boisdevie]

It might not be his fault. I was reading just the other day in the New England journal of medical psychology and apparently there's a condition that affects mature man called QCHIAD(*) - research is ongoing as at this stage it's unclear whether the condition is due to environmental factors or some kind of genetic problem passed by the male line.













































*QCHIAD - Quite Clearly He Is A Dick

[4 ratties]

He just knows that's your soft spot and is trying to hurt u when hes mad which is wrong

[basilandthyme]

old thread! Ratties, what you doin' in the archives?

[smackie9]

Ya what is up with that....I got like 4 old threads in my in box today from noobs.

[Wakeup]

You get "old threads" in your "in box?"

[smackie9]

Ya ones I have subscribed to over a month ago. The noobs keep posting on them.

[spanz]

gee, sorry your panties are all in a bunch about it! lol

[smackie9]

Noob..............