Is it wrong to ask her to do this......?

[palace_of_trust]

Hello,

I am looking for your opinions, advice and support on something i am unsure about. I would appreciate all feedback and comments.

I have a gf. Have been with her for 10 months now. I love to very much and am 100% sure she is the girl for me and the one i want to be with right now. I am 28yrs old. I live with my girlfriend, she is 23yrs old. I just want to make it known that my feelings for her are genuine , i care about my gf and i want to make sure this relationship goes forward and we come to the right decision.

Anyway, heres the deal....about 3 months into our pretty much PERFECT RELATIONSHIP my gf traveled back home to her country. there she cheated on me once with her ex bf. she had a few drinks. she deeply regretted it and i accepted to give her another chance. i have to make it clear now that my gf has known her ex bf for around 7 or 8 years. they have been best friends for many years and all their friends friends know each other and our in the same group. she was very close to him and she holds him in high regard.she loved him or maybe still does. i had no problems with this during the first 3 moths of our relationship and thought 'yeh ok, this guy might be alright', but that has all changed now since they slept together behind my back. i found out she cheated on me, and didnt give her enough time to really confess or wait to see if she was ever going to tell me the truth.

anyway, time has past and i have forgiven my gf and tried to move things forward. i want to move on and she told me she did to. now this is where i have a problem..........

every month or so i get paranoid and worried and check my gfs tablet or phone and find out something. either they have been txt msging again or contacting each other in some way or another. most times its innocent, (talking about music, sending each other songs, viewing his profile or photos, looking at her ex's new gfs profile, birthday msgs etc...) other times its serious talks about feelings. After 4-5 months of this i have made it very clear to my gf that i cannot stand seeing his face or name anywhere around our house. not after what happened. it hurts me and brings back terrible memories of the time she went away and cheated on me with him. i dont want to see him or hear about him. it makes me sick and it hurts me. ive told my gf this several times before. then its ok for a few weeks and something crops up again. whether its small or big, it still hurts me.

now my gf understands me, im sure of this. but she hates to be controlled and wants to live her life. she tells me they have known each other for many years and says he is a good person. her ex is close friends with my gf's family and they live in the same small town. (we live in a different country). my gf goes back to her country every few months and during this time i find it extremely difficult to trust her. because of this past incident. i always feel although it could happen again and that i am scared of getting hurt by her again.

i guess without going on about it too much ( i think i already have!!!) sorry. But is it ok to ask my gf that i dont want her to ever speak or talk to her ex again? am i ok to say this to her? or is this the wrong thing to ask somebody else to do\? should they want to do it themselves. because i dont think she actually really wants to. no matter how much its hurts me it makes me feel. i think my gf still wants to do WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO and if she wants to msg him every now and again or even see him, she will do it. She really doesnt like being told what to do. I just dont know if our relationship can move on without her ex being out of both our lifes completely. its really draining our relationship and doesnt make me trusting her again any easier. i do trust her most of the time, its just when this guys name keeps popping back into my life that i lose all that trust i have with her and start getting paranoid again.

There is two sides to this story of course, and she completely hates me checking her phone and tablet. she hates it! mainly because she feels she doesnt have her own privacy, doesnt like being controlled and that i am too paranoid. now i feel as if i am the one whos driving her away! am i right in asking her to never keep in contact with this guy again? is it within my relationship rights? what does it mean when a girl doesnt want to let go of her ex?

its a really hard time for me and her at the moment and i just am never clear about what she wants and what her feelings are towards me and her ex. its driving me nuts. we seem to fight about it every few weeks or so. when i did trust her in the first few months, we never had this problem!!! i never cared to check up on her behind her back because i was sure i was the only guy. now i feel as if her ex is turning me into a f**kcin nutter crazy guy and i dont want to be like this!!

another thing is she doesnt like promising me things....so if i do ask for some commitment in this she is always sitting on the fence, its a grey cloud.....and i never feel better about it or the future because she never makes it clear about what she wants. basically, she never convinces me that i am the man for her, i am the only one she wants and loves and that she can sacrifice things for me and our relationship.

I feel as if i am going mental....crazy..........my gf carried her mobile on her everywhere she does, to the toilet, shower, even to bed with her.....it makes me so nervous that she is always hiding something from me. She doesnt make things easier on me and all i want is an easy life with her. Am i asking for too much? or is this a mental thing i need to get over myself? I know the incident in the first 3 mths of our relationship has caused me harm and some problems in my head......do i need to sort my head out first before we can move on? or is it ok to ask for my gf's help if she wants me enough?

once she said to me, if you never check my mobile or tablet, you will never know that i have contact with him or look at his profile. but that really doesnt make me feel any better!!! all that does it know that something is still going on!! my gf says she still wants to know how her ex is going and sometimes looks to see how he is. should i accept this? should i be looking into this further? i have ex gf's and dont care how they are anymore or how they live their lives now. i dont get why she does. i know they were together for 7yrs but still.........after what happened....its like a punch in the face every time.

How can we ever move forward with her ex in our lives?
Can i ask her to do certain things for US and me? (ask her to never talk or see him again)
Will i ever stop being so paranoid about her and her ex?
How can we improve our trust together again?


Thanks for reading my rant. i appreciate any comments and feedback you might have.

have a good day.

[RambleOn]

She cheated on you. Kick her out and start again with a person you can trust! She will do it again. Go to the "No More Mr Nice Guy" forum and learn how to deal with this type of situation specifically. Good luck.

[smackie9]

She is not the girl for you because she doesn't know what relationship boundaries are so this will always be a problem and not this one time. If she felt any true regret she would have completely cut ties with him, but of course she won't and she just can't because she is very much emotionally attached to him. You are kidding yourself that she is just that perfect. You yourself say she doeesn't like to be controlled, well if that's the case, she will never respect your feelings or opinions. Being in a loving relationship for the long haul requires adjusting your life by makes a few sacrifices along the way but she isn't ready to do. It's obvious this will be something that can't be ignored or can be moved past. I agree with RambleOn, you need to kick her to the curb and start again. She's got some frickin nerve IMO and need some growing up to do.