What is wrong with ME!!

[Cursed]

What is wrong with me? I am once again after a 4 year relationship crying and begging for her to see that I can change... I told my last girlfriend that too. Here is my problem... I get intense mood swings and mind numbing depression that last for a few days. I will then take it out on the person who loves me the most. She will give her heart to me and I will do nothing untill it's to late.. Deep down I love her soooo much but something will not let me express it. I don't know what it is. Finally when I do express it it's to late they can't take me anymore. We both cry for days and then it ends. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I have a curse.. I am not supposed to find love and keep it. Just go through these painful events that I CAUSE!!!!! I want so badly not to feel the way I do. I don't want to get depressed over NOTHING for days then take it out on the person I love. I don't want to live like this. I do love her sooo much but I don't express it till it's to late. I swore I would change after my last 4 year relationship ended and I tried but I CAN"T beat my moods. I hate myself really.

[CocoChanel]

Your episodes may be caused by Bi-Polar Disorder.
Go to a counselor or therapist and get some help.
Your not cursed... you just a problem that you WONT solve.

[Cursed]

Suppose I do go what then? I wouldn't mind helping myself by exercise and meds/therapy but I know so many people who do those things and still aren't well... That's why I feel like there is no hope.

[Aeradalia]

If you have bi-polar disorder, then your moods may be caused by a chemical imbalance. Have you tried to figure out the cause of your mood swings? What triggered the emotions? Emotions are usually a reaction to something, in that you should be able to track down the cause (i.e. you're sad because of what she said, you're sad because you received some bad news... etc). However, if you find that you cannot find a cause for the sadness, or the emotions seem to be way too excessive, then chances are that this may be from having too much or too little of a certain chemical in the brain.

I'm not bi-polar, but I do have depression. The emotions I felt didn't match the causes... I would be sad for no reason or feel excessive sadness that was disproportionate to the cause, to the point of being distractive. I am on a SSI (Selective Seratonin Inhibitor) which basically forces seratonin to stay in the brain longer (because my brain does not produce enough). It takes a little over two weeks for the effects to become apparent, but I noticed a level of sanity returning to my life and the sadness reduced to a manageable and predictable level. In essence, my emotions were within 'normal' levels with easy to find causes. No more sadness for no reason, and I was able to think clearly, actually feel motivated, and at times... actually feel happy.

You can check in at your local mental health clinic or call the suicide hotline for the nearest one available. They will provide you with all the information you need. There is a way to find peace -- to end the "curse" more or less.

[Aeradalia]

Suppose I do go what then? I wouldn't mind helping myself by exercise and meds/therapy but I know so many people who do those things and still aren't well... That's why I feel like there is no hope.

Those people aren't you. You have to take the chance to see how things will turn out for you before you throw in the towel. A routine, medication, and therapy (where you are honest -- lying defeats the purpose of therapy) can help tremendously. Also, you have to be patient... sometimes it takes longer for some than others. Chances are those people who "still aren't well" may be in the preliminaries of their treatment or they may not be following what their doctors told them. There are too many variables to take into consideration before you can conclude that it's hopeless.

[Cursed]

Yes. They come on for no reason. I can remember being sad for DAYS over a bird on the landbefore time being sad. When I was in Junior high I would get depressed and lay in my room after school for days. I would get overly sad about a movie or something stupid. I can feel it coming on in my body. Then once something I don't like (The smallest thing in the world could happen such as someone being late for 3 minutes) will set me off and I will be pissed off and sad for a day or more. I am seriously messed up. I do have happy times of course but the bad out wiegh the good. Being down would be ok except I always take it out on the person who is closest to me. I can't hold ANY relationship because of it. I don't know what to do. I don't want our relationship to end because of me... I love her a lot and she loves me but she can't take me anymore. Not only am I sick with greif over the loss but knowing I have an unfixable problem is horrifying.

[Aeradalia]

Yes. They come on for no reason. .

Then it's probably a chemical imbalance that can be helped by providing stability to your brain's chemistry via medication.

Being down would be ok except I always take it out on the person who is closest to me. .

Therapy can help teach you better ways of coping with stress so that you won't hurt the ones you love. However, you have to be willing to learn for it to work.

I can't hold ANY relationship because of it. .

Then it might be a good idea to get this little problem fixed..

I don't know what to do..

Mental Health Clinic, Suicide Hotline, talk to a regular doctor who can tell you where to go, talk to family who may be able to contact some people for you, or find help via the internet (names of places near you).

I don't want our relationship to end because of me... I love her a lot and she loves me but she can't take me anymore. .

Then it might be best to seek help. You have to fix YOU before you can fix the relationship.

Not only am I sick with greif over the loss but knowing I have an unfixable problem is horrifying.

It's not unfixable... it can be manageable and a normal life is possible. However, NONE of that that is possible if you don't DO something.

[Cursed]

Your right. I have to save up some money and try something. Anything. When the mood comes on it is almost impossible for me to come out of it. Or actually talk it out with her. She kindly asked me to tell her when it comes on so she could stay away or whatever. But somtimes I feel like I have to fight about anything so that we can have a big emotional fight that ends with hugs and love. When actually I think I just need hugs and love to begin with. Although if she tried to make things better while I was feeling this way I would push her away... I just hate it. I hate the way I am. We got a house together and have been together for 4 years and now I have to move out so she can get better and move on. She can't move on with me crying over her everday. The thought of her moving on and finding someone else is one that makes me sick. I do want her to be happy though she deserves someone that treats her like she treats them.

[IndiReloaded]

Suppose I do go what then? I wouldn't mind helping myself by exercise and meds/therapy but I know so many people who do those things and still aren't well... That's why I feel like there is no hope.

What's wrong with you is that you KNOW you have a problem, at least two girls have left you b/c of it. You come on an internet forum looking for answers, get some good advice and you won't get off your ass to actually take it.

THAT is what is wrong with you.

Go see a counsellor. Stop the excuses. In order to get results you have to TRY something new. Clearly, what you have been doing isn't working, right?

Keep walking down the path you are on, and you'll get exactly where you are already going.

[Cursed]

I have not made any excuses. I would go see someone tomorrow except I don't have anymoney. (VERY TRUE) It's just that when things are good I think I am going to be ok then I am bad again.

[Cursed]

Any advice on steps I can take to try and fix things in the relationship that just ended? Besides me getting help which is a blatent obvious.

[IndiReloaded]

I have not made any excuses. I would go see someone tomorrow except I don't have anymoney. (VERY TRUE) It's just that when things are good I think I am going to be ok then I am bad again.

There are free clinics. Also, your doctor can prescribe drugs. I'll let someone else who is more knowledgable post about this.

[Cursed]

I can go to the doctor but I feel like they just throw out anti depressents left and right. I was on Paxil for panic attacks (Which I no longer have) but it made me feel completly numb even to humor.

[IndiReloaded]

You could use some anti depressants thrown your way. You have a problem, if the drugs help you should take them. There are other choices besides paxil.

Still making excuses, I see.

[Cursed]

Not saying I wouldn't take the drugs. Just simply saying that Paxil wasn't right for me. I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. My excuse for not going today is that it's Sunday.