I'm a little besides myself and generally scratching my head. I just don't understand this situation that I am about to explain.
This is a woman to woman relationship - so for any homophobes please be respectful and move on.
I have been in a relationship with a woman for almost the past year, there has been two consistent areas of contention in our relationship, 1 that I don't need to go into and 1 that I do. When we first got together she was friends with a man (I am a woman) for who she worked for. Very shortly before she told me she was dating an older woman who I later found out to be this man (her part time boss). When we started dating she was still hanging out with him, telling me how she sleeps over at his house it means nothing as they're just friends, how she finds spanking paddles in his bed and other unnecessary information, she would run over to his place in the middle of the night to tend to him when he fell off his bike and rush off to see him when we were on our dates as just friends, and in addition get drunk and high with him, sending him bong pictures and flirting on Facebook with him (she is 27). To me I am certain that something was still going during the early days of our relationship.
This man got arsy when he realised we were going out and started being off with her, she still proclaimed that they were friends. His behaviour became increasingly immature. She would use me to make him jealous to get paid and when he was being immature. I had pulled her up on this several times, telling her that i found her behaviour inappropriate if she was seeing me. She realised he had feelings for her and for the sake of our relationship she cut ties with him. There have been many occasions where this man is used against me in an argument, I pulled her up on this, it is cruel and it has stopped for the last couple of months.
We have our ups and downs like most couples, but I love and care for her deeply. We recently split up over something unrelated and decided to get back together. Only the other night I told her that this man makes me upset and angry as i suspect she was fooling around with him at the start of our relationship. She had told me she went to his studio recently to pick up some of her old flowers, when she was telling me this she was also cursing him for being an arse and off. I accepted the situation, she went to get her things, fine.
Whilst face to face in bed a few days ago in a state of happiness and bliss I ask her "Whether she would like to talk about anything else?". She replies "That she would like to start talking to xxx man again". I was shocked at her insensitivity, I find it a highly inappropriate thing to ask whilst in bed when we've just reconciled! I am shocked by her level of disrespect for our relationship. I ask her why she is asking me that, she does not respond. I ask him if she misses him very calmly. She does not respond. I am very calm at this point. I push for an answer, nothing comes. I then completely lose it (anger is very bad) and start shouting, to which she starts shouting back. Yes she misses him. She misses getting drunk with him. They were friends for 10 months and only ****ed for a month (though she said 1 week originally!!). I ask her if she misses smoking with him, no response and then she blurts out "we used to do coke together too". I scream at her "why is she saying this shit now, right now, in that moment, that she is ****ed up". Again I know that anger is not good, she is very provoking and at no point did she realise that what she was saying was a very disrespectful and inappropriate thing to say to your partner. After all the anxiety and stress it has caused in the relationship, why is it not easy to walk away from this person when the basis of their 'friendship' was always murky, they have history and I believe things may have been going on at the start of our relationship.
My question to you all, what do you think of this situation? Is this inappropriate behaviour? Am I overreacting? Thanks so much for your help.