I met my husband online over 2 years ago. We recently got married in August- he is in the U.S. and I am a Canadian citizen, so obviously, that presents some issues- but we actually are pretty good with the long distance stuff and are working on immigration etc.
There's a really long backstory to all of this and I feel like going into all of the petty details will just bore you all, so I'm going to try to condense it. Basically, when I met my husband he had only ever been in one relationship previously. He's very innocent in that respect, and it's been a bumpy road trying to help him grow into this relationship, just due to that level of immaturity. I have always been supportive and helpful, sometimes I do get frustrated because I feel like...there are just things you should KNOW, you know?
Which leads me to the big issue at hand. We do fight quite a lot. There have been a lot of hurtful things said on both of our parts- I'm not innocent in all of this, that's for sure. However, there have been instances where he has made comments about my body or about other women, and then when I get upset, he just blames his overall ignorance of relationships for it. "I've never been in a relationship like this before. I didn't know that would hurt you." One comment was pertaining to two lesbians in a film we were watching who were making out, and I'm bisexual, and his comment was, "Have you ever been with hot women like that?" I'm not conventionally attractive- I'm a bigger girl, I'm not thin and gorgeous, but I do alright. And I've never felt...unattractive to a partner before. I have been in a few long-lasting relationships, and each man I've been with has made me feel like I'm the only thing they see. So, hearing comments like that really make me question myself. And his whole excuse, again, is just, "I've never been in relationships, so I don't know what will hurt your feelings." Well, wouldn't that hurt anyone's feelings? He has made comments regarding things about my body that he says are "observations" and not judgments, but I feel judged by them. It's like he just has no filter.
It gets much worse. I have a very close friend who is also my ex of 5 years. We split on amicable terms and we are like best friends now. Nothing is going on, nothing has gone on for years. When I met my husband online, me and my ex were living together just due out of necessity really- we both needed roommates, we had lived together before, I was single, he was single, I didn't really see an issue with it. Nothing happened during that time. We were just roommates. However, I didn't say anything to my then boyfriend because I never thought I'd meet someone online, fall in love with them and get married to them. And the further it got, the harder it got to say anything. I had made the conscious choice to tell him about my ex before the wedding but was waiting to move out first, as I knew it would be upsetting for him and I didn't want to be living with my ex when all of it was going on. He then came across something old on my Facebook and confronted me about it (I had only been moved out and back in with my mother for maybe 2 weeks at this point, again, waiting for the right time to just bring it up). We talked it all out, and I told him that I had been planning on letting him know the real deal before the wedding, that it had been bothering me etc. I explained the whole thing, talked about my ex and my relationship with him years ago etc. I gave him full disclosure, he added my ex to Skype and got his phone number to text him- I didn't want him worried that I was hiding anything and I really ideally would like for them to be friends as well.
He said all was fine. He was upset that I had lied, and so he had every right to be, but that he understood and could see how being with someone for 5 years would be difficult to just let go. My ex and I for the last year of our relationship didn't even have sex- we were literally like best friends. And when something ends that way, why should we have to not be friends? Anyways, he knew the deal, insisted he was ok with everything, we go on, we get married.
After we got married, things changed. All of a sudden, he wasn't so supportive anymore. He insisted that I never would have told him, that the only reason why he knows about it is because he found out by himself. Granted, it might appear that way, but that was never my intention. He got very jealous and accusatory and would throw it in my face constantly that I lied to him all that time. Every time I went out, I would come home to him raging and accusing me of cheating on him (at the time, I was in Canada and he was in the U.S. which obviously didn't help). And I would get upset, but I tried to be understanding because yes, I did lie to him. However, a bit of jealousy is different from possessive, jealous rage?
It all kind of came to a boiling point when I went to visit him a few months after the wedding. We were having sex and he lost his erection. I asked what was wrong, and he told me I felt different, that I was loose and I had been screwing around on him. Which lead to an awful fight, and my feelings have never quite recovered (not to mention I already had all of these ill feelings because of comments he had made about my body in the past).
I went back to Canada, and there were still issues with it all. He would call me while I was out, accusing me of being a "whore" and that I was cheating on him. I even had to get my mother on the phone with him to tell him I was at the gym with her because he wouldn't believe me, I've had to show him receipts as proof.
Ok, ok, so all of this aside. For the past two months, we have been working REALLY hard to resolve all of this. He has stopped being crazy jealous, he has been very supportive. He blames that behaviour on never having been jealous before and not knowing how to deal with that emotion etc. which I do kind of understand, however...There are just some things you don't say, right? I also have just recently found out that he actually told his family all about all of this as well, which really doesn't help in terms of my level of shame regarding the things he's said to me. I had previously asked him to not disclose personal information regarding our relationship (especially things about me) to his family members, which he promised he would not do, but did anyways and then lied about doing.
I feel really confused in this matter. I feel like yes, it's my problem at this point. I need to forgive him and get over it all because he has been so amazing lately, and he's changing and fixing himself. But it's really hard. And every time he even compliments me, internally I'm questioning everything. My self-esteem is at like rock bottom (something I am NOT used to, at all) and I don't know how to process my feelings or how to move on from them. I know you can't really blame other people for making you feel a certain way, because in the end, you're in control of how you feel and nobody should effect that. But I really think that's just a big pile of BS- he DID make me feel this way, he DID damage my self-esteem and make me question myself and my body in ways I never have before in the past. But I guess thinking like that isn't going to get me anywhere lol. And he's not some abusive piece of s*** guy. He's taking the steps to better himself and be better to me, so why can't I get over this?
I know it's long - ha, this is the condensed version. But I would really like some advice on this. It's really hard for me to even come out and say this here to a bunch of strangers as the whole thing is just so embarrassing and shameful, but I feel like I have nowhere to go. If I try to talk to him about how that stuff made me feel, he gets upset and says it's hard to deal with, and he wants to be supportive, but it makes him feel bad. And I know I have already given him enough grief over it all and I'm trying to just move on and work on our marriage, but I'm finding it very hard to do so.
I could use some advice, thanks!