Newly single man needs some help...

[toms.100]

I was in a relationship for 5 years, we bought a house and a dog together last year. 3 years in to the relationship we broke up because she had a one night stand with someone. After a short break up (2 weeks) where I was devastated, after lots of chasing by me, we gave it a 2nd chance, in hindsight, mainly because I was scared of being single and thought I wouldn't be able to find someone I loved as much as I did her. About 6-7 months after this incident, to try and make things work, we bought a house and I thought we were committed to making our relationship work.

At the beginning of this month, she decided that she wasn't happy and has moved out, leaving me living alone (except for the dog). We haven't spoken in person, by email or text except about money since she left.

For the last few months, I've noticed that we'd been a bit distant with each other, and she's been going out on all night benders with her friends and I know she's been meeting lots of new people, which had been causing me to withdraw from her.

Despite all of this, I'm starting to miss her and my head is all over the place, although I don't think I want to be with her anymore. Am I just missing having someone next to me?

I don't really enjoy going out to clubs or drinking to excess any more, and whenever I'm with my friends and meet new people, my friends are a lot more confident and outgoing than me, so I don't get a look in. I just don't see how I'll ever meet an attractive girl who will like me.

Having not been single for a long time, I don't know how to approach women who I don't know and very few people my age seem to be single. I guess I've developed a fear of being rejected.

I just need some tips and advice on where to go from here. I'm just an average guy who is a bit low on confidence at the moment. I'd like to meet someone new as I enjoy being in a relationship. Help please!

In the last 10 years, I've only met 1 or 2 interesting girls (not that I was looking at the time I was in a relationship, but ive noticed that I havent met many nice girls) and I'm feeling scared of not meeting any single interesting girls again.

I don't mind being single for now, but I'm scared that I won't meet anyone and I'll be single for the foreseeable future, which I don't want. Most nice girls my age are already in a relationship.

I don't know if the right person really does show themselves.

Do I just resign myself to being single and not having a family?

[basilandthyme]

Toms, it's very likely that your current feelings are because you're lonely and not so much because you miss her. But even if it was her that you miss, that relationship needed to end and you're in the right place now.

In the last 10 years, I've only met 1 or 2 interesting girls (not that I was looking at the time I was in a relationship, but ive noticed that I havent met many nice girls) and I'm feeling scared of not meeting any single interesting girls again.

Now, THIS is what worries me. You see, I meet interesting people all the time. I meet nice people all the time. So, I'm wondering why you've only met two in the last 10 years. You're either hanging with the wrong crowd or your perspective is skewed. Can you tell us more about nice girls and meeting them?

[dem862]

Have you spoken to your doctor about your depression. You are grieving the loss of your relationship right now. It is not time to look for another relationship. You need to work on making yourself happy again. Do not depend on another person to bring you happiness. It is very hard to meet somebody when you don't believe you have anything to offer. Good luck to you.

[toms.100]

Like I said, I am obviously low on confidence at the moment, and just haven't seemed to meet many girls I would be interested in. If I go out to a pub/bar or club, all of the girls are 10 years younger than me and in a completely different stage of their lives. Its not that i'm looking for a relationship now, its just that i'm worried that it'll be another 5 years before I meet someone attractive and interesting.

The only interesting girls i've met in the last 10 years have been through work, but I currently work in a small company where there are only 2 women who are 20 years older than me.

I havent spoken to my doctor, because I dont feel like i'm majorly depressed, I certainly don't want to be put on medication. I appreciate that the first few months after breaking up with someone are tough, but I feel like i'm dealing with it reasonably well. I guess I had my future planned out for the last 5 years, and now i'm reaching the age I thought I would be when we started a family, and I have to start from square one again and haven't got a clue about what will happen in the future.

Without making this conversation crude, I miss the closeness and miss the sex side of being in a relationship more than anything.

[michelle23]

Tom her cheating on you probably shattered your confidence and now the break up has only made it worse. You should be on your own for awhile. You need to grieve the loss of this relationship and you need to boost your self-esteem so you dont allow someone to treat you badly again. You should have left her when she cheated but you stayed out of fear.

I know everything seems really gloomy right now and you are afraid of all sorts of things but in time you will start to feel better, more positive and confident. Right now you should focus on yourself. Join a new hobby, meet new people, focus on work or study, spend time with friends and family and just stay away from women for awhile until you are sure you are over her.

You will meet someone else. There are billions of single people in the world. Thinking all the good ones are taken is silly. Just set your standards high and be sure that you dont settle for second best just because you are lonely.

Your ex was not good enough for you, she broke your heart twice and cheated on you and deep down you know you deserve better than that so hold your head high, try to stay positive and tell yourself its her loss

When one door closes, another opens, try to see this as a new chapter in your life, a new beginning. You deserve a woman who is just as loyal as you are, who will put everything into your relationship like you did and just want you to be happy and in time you will find her. Everything happens for a reason. She wasnt the right one and I bet if you stayed with her-you would just look back in ten years time and think why did I waste so much time on her. Now you have the chance to meet someone who wont hurt you

Look up the five stages of grief. Time is a great healer and you will be fine Just force yourself to get out and stay busy

[toms.100]

I think i've skipped the five stages of grief... I know it's the right time to break up and I know I need to move on, its just getting used to having a big question mark over my future i guess? I might meet someone in a couple of weeks/months or I might meet someone in 5 or more years.

I know she wasnt the right one for me, she shouldn't have treated me how she did and I always knew I deserve better. Its just plucking up the courage to get out and do things I dont necessarily want to at the moment?!

[dem862]

Ok worrying about the future is called anxiety. Living in the past is called depression. You cant change the past. You only have today. You cant make a relationship happen overnight. It takes time and legwork. Do something today to set you on the path for the future you want. You could use some support. Dont drink. That wont help. Good luck.

[michelle23]

Stop worrying so much about the future. You have been in a 5 year relationship and 3 of those years were happy. That means you have what it takes and women will see that in you. There is no question mark over your future. You just need to stay positive. I think when a long term relationship ends you should be alone for 6-12 months before starting something new so please take your time and you can start dating again when you feel more positive about life in general.

[toms.100]

I appreciate your kind words. What would you suggest I could do to set myself on the path for the future that I want? I am already in a stable job, own my own home, have plenty of friends etc. I feel pretty settled in my life, the only thing I feel is missing now is having a significant other in my life. Someone to spend the down time with and share my life with. I appreciate that I might not be ready for another relationship, but I'm not in another relationship and I dont see one on the horizon, that was my original point?

[overanxious]

consider yourself lucky that she didnt cheat on you again and leave you for someone else(like my ex although she didnt cheat on me physically)...she wasnt happy but just couldnt say it...instead picked fights because she was irritable and not happy...and had to make me out to be the one to blame for it because i couldnt take the fights....instead of just saying she wasnt happy and not into us anymore....i go to bed and wake up every morning thinking about it

im in the same boat...women like me...but im just not outgoing and my confidence is shot....although ive always been shy and reserved....thats what made it so hard...my ex made me feel so comfortable and just took me by the hand and led the way.....ill probably never find something like that again and it scares me.....i want half of what she brought and half of a responsible adult.....im afraid ill never find it....im also older now and it becomes tougher to meet new people your age who are single or dont have kids.....it becomes harder when most of your friends are settled in now and dont go out as much or dont invite you out that often....and the ones that do you pretty much lost the old connection you had because you put them aside...luckily i do have a friend who just got out of an 8 year relationship and is in the same boat....i thought i had everything...i thought i had a future settled down....a new family....and poof its gone....and shes happier now than shes ever been....and here i am an only child with one living parent

[smackie9]

Toms.100 of course you are going to have doubts about your future...but that's because life is different for you now. Instead of worrying about filling in the empty space by having someone with you, why not let yourself adjust to being just with yourself. For now your head is not in the right place to meet someone new. Take this opportunity to rediscover who you are, go out and try new things, take a trip with some friends, take up a new hobby, join a club, do charity work, work out at a gym.....anything to fill your time. The busier you are the less likely you will feel empty, and will feel more fulfilled and confident. No woman will find an interest in a guy that is moping around trying to hurry up and meet someone. But if you are exuding confidence and happiness, you will attract woman like crazy.

[michelle23]

smackie i right tom. change can be very scary but you will adapt. you gotta learn to be happy on your own first and love yourself and then you will meet someone when you least expect it or when your ready say 6months from now-you can try online dating, speed dating, meet a friend of a friend etc-whatever you feel most comfortable with.

tfust me now is not the right time to meet someone. its too soon and your only looking coz you dont like being alone which will prob make you settle for second best and waste another 5years on the wrong girl. you need to avoid falling into the same traps

[toms.100]

I feel like you're not really answering my question. Whilst I would like to be in a relationship, I understand that i'm not ready for one and i'm not actively looking for a relationship. My point was more that i'm a bit worried that I don't seem to meet the right girls.

I don't think i'm moping about. I have been spending time with my friends and whilst I don't particularly enjoy the whole bar/club scene, I have forced myself to get involved and I have been enjoying myself more than I thought I would. But, you can't do these type of things more than once or twice a week, and I have been a bit bored mid-week and on Sundays.

What would you suggest I do? In England, the football season has just finished, I enjoy football and will start training for the new season towards the end of June, so wont be able to dedicate much time to a new hobby after then.

I have been walking the dog alot, but it all feels a bit empty alone. I went to the park with her on Sunday, and sat there on my own for about an hour in the sunshine, it's ok for a while but eventually it's just plain boring and I just end up checking my phone every 30 seconds to see if anyone's messaged me or wants to do something!

[smackie9]

What you can't invite some friends over for poker night? or for some beers and a BBQ? Can't go to the dog park and socialize with others? Take up playing video games on line or play poker? Go to an indoor rock climbing place? Go to the gym and socialize there? Go shoot some pool? Invite a friend to shoot some baskets? Go see a movie with a co-worker? Hang out at a coffee shop? Speed date? Join a social club that organizes cocktail hours, meet and greets, etc.

I don't understand why people think that their only option is to go to the clubs/bars.