lies after emotional affair to avoid confrontation?

[michelle23]

I'll add-a lot of spouses need a fresh start (new job for example) to help you get over your anxiety and paranoia. This wont go away as long as he still works in the same place as her. That is just feeding into your trust issues and making them worse

[josie33]

yeah i know. this morn (monday) he shot out of bed real quick and left 5min earlier than usual, even for a monday. said he wanted to beat traffic and 'deal with it' - 'everything to u is a question-thats ur answer, deal with it'

[Mattiemae]

While you have been wronged in the past, you do need to let go of it, and find forgiveness. Being focuse on the injury only leaves the wound open. For example if you cut your leg open, you medicate it, put a gauze over it and allow it to heal over time. At the same time you have to do the same with your emotional wounds. Find away to get rid of the bad feelings and emotions through writing, painting, or some other way of expression. Dump the garbage like you would take out the garbage in your home. If you don't it only becomes toxic. The longer you focus on the injury the more painful it is.

While there is a period of time to mistrust, let me tell you something. You can be traveling back in your past so much, that he can totally change and move forward that you miss the changes and successes. The problem is some of us can be still in pain and suffering or hold grudges from seven years ago in our mind and never let it go and forgave. While the other person may have worked through those issues and changed. We just believe one thing because we hold on to it so tightly and never let go. He can change, and if you want it to work out you have to trust him whether he shows things or not. You don't need him to feel guilty and show you everything. You need to give him trust and if he repeats it again, than set your boundaries at that time. It just depends on how much he values you and your relationship. But forgiveness is a big part of relationships and no one can heal your heart but you.

[josie33]

on monday he said he had heard a rumour her hours had changed so it wd not be possible for him to even want to c her after work. he said he wd ask a friend later in the week so he cd tell me for reassurance. tonight we had an argument and he said he found out yesterday she had changed her hours but chose not to tell.me last night as he thought it would avoid an argument. dnt make sense to me that he can say it wd be ressuring then aay he thought it wd cause an argument. annoyed he kept it from me yesterday

[Wakeup]

First they tell you to ask all the questions you need to ask so that you can learn to trust him again and that he should want to answer all of them. Now they're telling you to leave because you don't trust him and you're still questioning him. O.o

You're not going to leave him so why don't you go get some therapy so that you can change your mindset to something a little more to the way that Matti has suggested will help you to put this business to bed and you can get on with your life with him in a more relaxed atmosphere. You're inability to believe him is driving an even deeper emotional gap between the two of you. So... either stay and change your attitude or leave and never have to try and change your attitude towards him again. To stay and continue to torture one another is just stupid. YOU change or YOU leave. That's the bottom line. Don't keep staying and not changing. That's codependent dysfunction.

[josie33]

so what about this decidig not to tell me to avoid argument yesterday - he said he would tell me

[Wakeup]

ok its about 15min out. i asked him about it and we got in an argement. he said he is fed up with having to relay his schedule each day and sometimes he didnt even bother looking to see when he left so he would just tell me what was the norm so i wouldnt worry. he seems to think he has saved me from worrying or being suspicious by doing this as he was trying to avoid any more questions or arguing.

Stop pestering the shit out of him and if you can't stop doing that then quit the marriage. You are totally unable to forgive and accept that its you that he wants to be with (or at least it was, lets hope it's not too late) so you micro manage him and his schedule until he's sick and tired of it. He is going to leave you and it won't be to be with her but rather to get away from your obsessing and as mentioned, micro managing.

You are concerned about a 15 time difference? Please! You've allowed this fear and paranoia to over take your common sense, Josie. If you can't get over it then get out of it. It's that simple.

[josie33]

i was talking about her changing her hours. u havnt read the last post here

[Wakeup]

I read every post, Josie. Stop tormenting yourself and him.

[josie33]

right so u didnt have an opinion in that.

[Wakeup]

Yes I did. My opinion on that is that you should stop tormenting him and yourself.

[josie33]

by forgetting

[CrasherRob8]

I can see why he didn't tell you that her hours changed. Just be reading your posts I would imagine he thought you would freak out at any mention of her name.

What exactly is it you want from him?

[josie33]

just honesty.

[Wakeup]

I suspect if you could actually handle "honesty" he would be more inclined to give it. I'm not saying that he should lie. I'm just sayin.