Getting over sexual past? Unsure of how I feel

[shogunrua]

Hello everyone, I am new to the forum and I appreciate any advice you guys may have on this issue.

Here is some background information. I am a college freshman (18) and I have been dating a girl for roughly a few weeks now. It is my first serious "adult" relationship and although I have previously hooked up with a few girls and even "dated" a few girls, nothing was ever that serious, just because I had a rough childhood and I moved a lot. Also, I have a history of sabotaging relationships in the past.

Anyways, I first met this girl at a college party shortly before Christmas Break. The moment I met her, there was overwhelming sexual tension. I tried to ignore it, and after the party, I didn't give it much thought. However, over break, she randomly adds me on Facebook and we begin talking. It goes very well, and I immediately realize that she's a great girl and that we share practically all our interests. However, she mentions in passing that there is a guy at USC that she has been "talking" too and occasionally seeing for almost half a year, although at times he would be very distant and she wasn't entirely sure where it was going. After I heard that, I decided it wasn't worth my time getting closer to her, since I know I would just end up developing strong feelings for her. However, as soon as break ends, we kept running into each other at parties and through mutual friends and started hanging out. Once again, the sexual tension was palpable, yet neither of us would admit it, since we are both naturally pretty guarded people. One night though, after hanging out alone, she tells me she really cares about me and that she wants to be with me for one night. I knew it was stupid but after she begged me for what seemed like forever, I gave in and we started hooking up consistently for a week or so. There were times when it felt perfect, like we were in a relationship, and then there were times when she was an emotional wreck. Although I always knew that this was her plan, she told me that she needed to see the USC guy one last time, to see how he felt about her and whatever they had. Essentially, she was cutting me off.

That really hurt me obviously. However, the following weekend when she was set to go see him, a mutual friend tells me she came back early for some reason. Later that night, we once again ran into each other and we did not talk about it at all; it was obvious though that it was over between them too. I didn't think much of it, since I never really blamed her for it. She was obviously very confused, and I came in to her life out of the blue. I knew she had very real and genuine feelings for me as well, and I probably would have done the same thing. After a few days, we started hooking up again and then after two weeks, she began sleeping over nearly every night. Over the course of 2-3 weeks, it was essentially a full-fledged relationship. We made it official the night before Spring Break, which is still going on.

However, over the course of the break, I have begun feeling a little unsure about the relationship, which I don't understand. She absolutely blows all the other past girls in my life out the water. She's gorgeous, intelligent, funny, artistic and we always make remarks about how we're practically the same person at this stage in our lives. Whenever I am with her, I feel extremely comfortable and I can say that she's probably my best friend already. However, I'll occasionally get into very angsty moods where I'll feel overwhelmed. As I mentioned earlier, I have always been plagued by this, partly because I grew up extremely poor with a single mother and I'm admittedly a quiet, introspective momma's boy. I've spent most my life reading, writing and being alone, partly because we moved so much and although I have always had friends, I've never connected with anyone on multiple levels. Therefore, I have always felt like I was relatively mature for my age. Now that I'm in college, I've opened up quite a bit and now that I'm with her, sometimes I wish I was more socially mature, both relationship wise and sexually, since she's been in a long-term serious relationship before and is way more sexually experienced than me. However, despite the fact that she says I'm the best she's had, I still wish I was even better and more experienced for her. I know this feeling of sexual inadequacy is completely unwarranted, but I guess it is still one area I feel like I'm not as mature in, and it irks me.

Anyways, during those moods that I get into, I doubt myself, our relationship, my feelings for her, etc, since I feel like if it was "real", I would never get like this. I've talked to her about it, since we are very open with each other, and she understands completely, because she also goes through moods. She's been very loving and understanding, which strangely at times can make it worse, because I realize I am being VERY immature and it only perpetuates my insecurity. Also, I've started to get hung up over this USC guy. I knew she hooked up with him the weekend she went back to see him, and although she tells me now that she's 100% committed and that she feels awful and regrets it all, I still can't seem to get over it. I keep getting mental images of them hooking up in my mind and it drives me crazy at times. And what makes it worse, is that I KNOW its stupid and immature that I care at all, since we are together now and that's all that should matter. However, once I get out of my little funk, I feel awful for feeling that way and for making her feel bad because of my own insecurities.

I really hope that this is just me being scared over how intense my feelings are for her and that me being cold and distant towards her at times is not a sign that I don't like her as much as I think I do. I hope that when we see each other again, this will all end, because before break, I got like this once in a blue moon. Thankfully, she's told me she understands completely and that she just wants to make me happy and is willing to help me get over it all, since I have always helped and been there for her when she's felt insecure or angsty as well. Of course I want to address these issues too, so I can be a better person and better for her and everyone else that I care about.

I know most of you on this forum are probably a bit more experienced than me...does this sound like an unhealthy relationship? Is this natural at my age, and is this something that I can get over? Am I too insecure to be in a relationship at this stage in my life? Why does she make me feel so happy and yet indirectly insecure, through no fault of her own?

Sorry about the length and all, but I appreciate any answers you guys may have!

[KingZ]

Ahh, youth. You haven't had your ego broken down yet.

There is absolutely no reason for you to have these back-and-forth feelings about someone. It's clear that she's making you feel insecure—nobody should ever do that to you. If you aren't 100% certain about someone during at least the first 3 months, it's not right.

I'm sure this is really convenient for her, playing two guys; but you need to find your balls and take the power back. Get rid of her before she destroys you. Women like this are cancer. Whatever you think is special between you and her, that's exactly what's went on between her and the other guy; no matter what details you've been hearing, or why you think your situation is unique. I promise.

Sorry, man. I wish I had better news for you. I know you're 18; when I was 18 I wouldn't have listened to me either. But if you're able to man up and get rid of this girl before it's too late, I'll be seriously impressed.

[smackie9]

omg not one of these threads Aaaagain.

[KingZ]

omg not one of these threads Aaaagain.

I actually feel pretty sympathetic for this one. I was his age once and in a similar situation.

Besides, this isn't "she's slept with a million dudes, I feel bad". A girl he's now with was dragging some other dude along for months because it was better than being alone, and he feels something isn't right. Just needs to work it out logically. He'll get there in the end.

[smackie9]

You don't feel comfortable because she isn't the one. Only when you have confidence in someone is the time when you have a winner. This is uni anyways....just bang her for awhile until you get bored and have a taste for someone new. This is a time when you shouldn't be investing your feeling in anyone. Be free have fun, bang as many as you can.

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this isn't "she's slept with a million dudes, I feel bad".

That he knows of.....you should know what the young ones are like....they will lie about that shit.

[shogunrua]

Yea, I appreciate the tough love. Again, I've been sleeping around and messing around in college, but this is the first girl which I've bonded with on a deeper level...yet I know that yeah, she isn't the "one" because I do oscillate feelings wise. Sadly, I'm already pretty attached to her.

About the USC guy though, he was stringing her along and the last day they hooked up, he told her that he never liked and was just using her essentially. I knew that from the get-go, so I didn't blame her at the time. But yeah, I can def understand what you mean by her just subconsciously not wanting to be alone. Thing is, the more loving/intimate she gets with me, the more distant and removed I get. Seems like I always intensely like a girl, and as soon as they start reciprocating those feelings, I lose interest or I just start throwing up walls. In this case, I want a relationship, but I think I know that I'm not ready or at least this isn't the right chick.

[KingZ]

You don't feel comfortable because she isn't the one. Only when you have confidence in someone is the time when you have a winner. This is uni anyways....just bang her for awhile until you get bored and have a taste for someone new. This is a time when you shouldn't be investing your feeling in anyone. Be free have fun, bang as many as you can.

That he knows of.....you should know what the young ones are like....they will lie about that shit.

This ^^ absolutely.

Listen, man, this girl is not special. People say "there are plenty of fish in the sea", but at 18 you don't really understand this because your experience is so limited. Let me give you a personal nugget.

[personal nugget]

Given all of the above, I'm still regularly amazed at how many women there are around me that I have a lot in common with. Seriously.

You live in LA. There are 4,000,000 people in your city; so 2,000,000 women. Roughly 450,000 women between 20-24 years of age. I guarantee you, there's a very thick percentage of them that you are perfectly capable of falling in love with.

There is no such thing as "the one". There are thousands of "ones".

[shogunrua]

I understand that. I don't like talking myself up, but I go to an elite liberal arts school despite being homeless for a considerable chunk of my life, play the guitar and the harp (gotta love classical music), currently co-authoring a book with one of my professors, etc. I'm not inherently an egotistical person, but I know my own self-worth .

And I also get that it's easy to fall in love with anyone. When I look back, the girls I ended up really liking in high school were all pretty insignificant and shitty in retrospect. Still, part of me feels like I should just stop thinking and enjoy the relationship for what it is now and the truth is, I'm happy about 95% of the time and the times when I'm not its because of my own insecurities. I am 18 after all. So, what do you guys think I should do?

[KingZ]

You don't feel comfortable because she isn't the one. Only when you have confidence in someone is the time when you have a winner. This is uni anyways....just bang her for awhile until you get bored and have a taste for someone new. This is a time when you shouldn't be investing your feeling in anyone. Be free have fun, bang as many as you can.

You have your answer.

[smackie9]

I already told you, just keep banging her until you get bored. Don't invest your feelings.

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And I guarantee you she's gonna do the same.

[Valixy]

The way I see it is that when you two met each other, she was being stringed along by another guy, and it could seem that she did the same thing to to you, but I don't think that is exactly what happened because she was honest with you about having some unfinished business from the very beginning. You were wise to keep your guard up for some time but inevitably you fell for her and had to deal with her needing to clarify her situation. The unwritten rule that people should end a relationship before beginning another one has its many reasons and one is that we can't accept sharing the person we love with somebody else once that we've invested our feelings, so what you feel is very normal. You can either find that you can put behind what happened or not, and the way you feel should guide you in your decision.

Also you are only 18 and I think that you are indeed still immature for a very intense total relationship. You still need a few good years to grow as a person and develop yourself in many aspects before you won't feel overwhelmed by sharing so much with another human being. I think that your age is about experiencing, working hard, having fun too, and establishing the foundations for who you want to become, and deep love relationships should come a bit later when you're better prepared and can enjoy them more. Good luck.