She's leaving me and we have kids

[irags19]

You need to be honest with yourself - are you saying all this simply because you're in panic mode because you realise she's finally had enough? Or are you genuine? Back when you knew she'd stick around - back when she was trying to fix things - you continued with the same behaviours. It's probably no surprise that anything you say now will not seem genuine to her. She might be right.

Firstly - take ownership of your issues. You came into the relationship with baggage that is yours and yours alone to deal with. Others can offer support and guidance, sure - but the onus is on you to seek the appropriate help and make a permanent change. Counselling is a great idea - alone - and eventually as a joint venture, if she agrees.

The problem with being emotionally/physically worn down over a long period of time is that the person does eventually reach breaking point - they realise that their life sucks and they want to get away from the thing/person that is making it suck. This is where she's at.

Your best bet is to seek help for yourself and give yourself enough time to implement the changes needed. This doesn't happen overnight, nor will it happen simply because you want to win her back. It has to happen because you want/need it to happen. Children raised in a household that is disharmonious and tense do not benefit - they're better off being raised by a single parent who can provide them a calm, stable environment.

We all have anxieties and hang-ups to varying degrees and it's far easier to blow up and blame others than it is to actually take ownership and fix things. The easy way out, which you have taken thus far, hasn't done you any favours. It's left you with a partner who has had enough. What we do - how we treat people - has consequences.

So - book in to see a counsellor. Stick with it; it's a process and 1-2 sessions achieves nothing. Keep her updated on what you're doing/the progress you've made but do not push anything on her - it's her choice. The only time you should suggest reconciliation is when you're satisfied that you're not going to repeat the same patterns of behaviour. The worst thing you could do is lure her back in under false pretences and then relapse into old habits again...in doing that, you'll lose her permanently.

You are right on with all of this. Unfortunately, this is the second time she's left. The first time, I wanted to change. I want to look at us finding out shortly after that about being pregnant with our second child. We were ready to raise our daughter who had just turned 2 and was becoming less work, and heal as a couple. I feel like getting pregnant again threw us back into the same cycle, and didn't allow us time to heal. I will speak to my therapist about this and see what they think. I can't justify it with that, but I can see it as a cause that contributed to the effect.

[AnErin]

So there were problems the first time you got her pregnant and yet you two didn't bother to work out problems before having another.
You two may or may not "heal" but here is some advice - keep your pecker in your pants. I think the main thing you are worried about is how much child support is going to cost. The good news about that is - it is cheaper to pay one ex for several kids rather than paying several ex partners for a kid or two each.

If there were no kids involved, would you honestly be so worried about things?

[irags19]

As I said, we were planning on it. It was our intentions when we got back together, to raise our daughter together and get back to where we were before the rigors of parenthood kind of caused us to grow apart. We raised our first child strictly alone with no friends or family and working opposite times of the day. It took a lot out of us.

Yeah sure, keep my pecker in my pants but hey this stuff happens right. Like I said, I don't want to blame everything on getting pregnant again and not having time to focus on our relationship like we had planned. I just know that in my head, my focus changed to preparing financially for yet another baby. I just got my new job a few months after finding out, and had my workload double if not triple. I realize I didn't cope well with all the new stress. I think it has a lot to do with how I got to the point I was at, where I was blaming her for things that were both our faults at best, if not just my own fault.

Honestly child support isn't an issue she is not asking and we are amicable and get along. I just miss her. She's been the love of my life since the first day we spent together. We've been best friends and part of the problem is we isolated ourselves from the rest of them.

- - - Updated - - -

And yeah. I would be just as worried. I never wanted to lose her. I don't want to label myself but I think I am experiencing a problem that is out of my scope of taking care of without a little help or perspective.

[AnErin]

Alright.
Only you and her know the specifics of what is going on. You two have children together so at this point there is no "Just have zero contact and move on". Whether you two like it or not, you are going to be part of each others' lives at least until the kids are grown. Dating other people would be hard cause if someone is raising young kids, they are not quite in the "prime" section of dating prospects.
So then, how do you two want this to go?

Outsiders know only what you two tell them. They do not know how you feel, what you think about, etc.
You two need to sit down and have a very serious discussion about everything. No kids around, no distractions, no cell phones buzzing... And keep in mind it could take a couple hours. Right now the relationship is damaged badly so it will not get worse by you two being totally honest about EVERYthing involved. During such a discussion, also agree beforehand that there is to be no insulting or horse shit remarks. It does not help if tempers "blow up" like before.

OHH also - about not having outsiders help raise your kids - that actually works in your favor. Once you get outside family involved, they tend to tell you what a rotten parent/spouse you are. Babysitters are unreliable. And just wait til they start school and the admins there want to label your kids "autisitic, aspbergers, or ADD" like they do with most kids.

The four of you should try to pull together as a FAMILY cause in this world, FAMILY is all we have.

[irags19]

I may have already lost her permanently. The only thing left to do is get myself in a better place for myself and the babies. I suppose I can remain hopeful that she will see my change over time and consider welcoming me back. Thanks for the perspective

[IndiReloaded]

You can't un-ring a bell. There is a book you should read -- sorry I can't remember the name of it (perhaps someone here can help) but the basic premise is that when your partner is past the point of no-return you shouldn't chase them. That is the completely wrong thing to do. At this point, all you can do is give them the space they want and start making serious, epiphany-level changes. Then hope she sees the changes and her emotions soften towards you once the edge of her disappointment and weariness wanes a bit.

This process takes weeks to months, btw. Not days or a few weeks. If you expect a hurrah for your efforts, you are doomed before you start. Make changes for your own reasons, not to win her back. Good luck.

[woody]

Man, I'm sorry to read its at this point already. I had hopes you two would work it out. Of course. Yet after reading the other words shared, seems your sweetheart has truly had enough and it is oh so sad its come to this stage of lost hopes. Shaking my head here, wishing it wasn't so. You sound like your hurting and I can assure you, so is she. She sounds like a good woman.
Maybe your right, in some time, she may come back to you. She may not. But always you two will be in each others lives for the sake of your children and their children.
no one likes it when a family breaks.
But as some one said, better to have a harmonious house over one filled with turmoil and emotional jabs. So setting a calm house is key; taking care of those babies is what matters most now; that and getting your own stuff sorted. Stick with the counselling and remember, one or two just won't cut mustard, a weekly thing for many months may.
It's hard getting a good woman turned bitter and untrusting, back. You could scream your love from the moon and she won't even open the window to hear you. But, with TIME, once your moving on and living life well again, she'll notice and time will tell what she does with it.
I wish for you and yours the best possible outcome

[chinagirl]

You need to MAN UP and stop blaming the divorce of your parents and the addition of a child in your family as the cause of your behavior. There is no excuse for being verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive to your spouse. These were the cards that you were dealt with in your life, deal with it as a grown up person and stop putting the blame on someone else. Just remember, we cannot control certain events that happen in our lives, but we have control of our reactions to those events.

- - - Updated - - -

And by the way, there are a lot of single parents raising their kids alone without help from anyone and they do a magnificent job! I am one of them and my kids are doing beautifully emotionally and mentally. Not to say that I don't have any stress at all but it's how I deal with the stress that matters. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. Just not worth the aggravation. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

[michelle23]

You need to grow up. You cannot blame the rest of the world for your problems. Blaming your parents divorce or the conception of your children really doesn't cut it. Your an adult, you make your own choices. You can either learn from your parents mistakes and vow not to repeat them or keep making the same mistakes and refuse to accept responsibility. Go and get some counselling if you really feel you cannot cope with the responsibilities in your life and learn how to be a stronger person. Take action and prove to her your willing to make changes. Remember you are those two kids role model and they are the ones who will pay for your mistakes in the long run if you dont sort yourself out

[Starnique]

My girlfriend since 2008 is leaving me. We have 2 kids, aged 3 and 10 months. I have hurt her badly over a period of time. I understand her wanting to leave and get away because I have not been good to her. I have emotionally worn her down. It's a long story and I'm hoping for some advice as to how to make things right and fix things. I want us to be a family together. I'm a product of a divorced family and it's something that I struggled with all through my childhood. I want to avoid that for our children. I'm desperate for help.

When a woman loves a man, she loooves him. When you are in her heart, you're in but when you're out , you're out...

When will some of you men ever learn?

[hard2figure]

Treat her better than you would treat yourself. Buy her flowers and have them sent to her. If she isn't gone yet you can turn things around and everyday appreciate her. Be truthful from here on out and don't think of yourself as much but be supportive of her and build her up. Tell her she is beautiful and arrange to take her to a very nice place to eat. Make here feel like the Queen she is. Women are special and need to be addressed with respect and when you mess up tell her you are sorry and working to be a better man for her. Think outside the box. Become a team, she is your partner.

[IndiReloaded]

Ok, I remembered:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Be-Tough-Marriages/dp/141431745X

Treat her better than you would treat yourself. Buy her flowers and have them sent to her. If she isn't gone yet you can turn things around and everyday appreciate her. Be truthful from here on out and don't think of yourself as much but be supportive of her and build her up. Tell her she is beautiful and arrange to take her to a very nice place to eat. Make here feel like the Queen she is. Women are special and need to be addressed with respect and when you mess up tell her you are sorry and working to be a better man for her. Think outside the box. Become a team, she is your partner.

This^ only works if there is some affection left. She is well past this point.