Need some insight into the situation?

[olivia_xo]

I'm gonna try and summarize this as best I can because I end up writing essays on here, and then people get bored when they read them and then don't reply haha.

Basically, I started working at a department store in November at the exact same time as another girl who I'm gonna call Claire. There's a guy who I'm gonna call Jack who gave us our induction etc. and I had no immediate attraction to him as he isn't very physically attractive, even maybe slightly on the chubby side. However as the weeks went on I started to grow a slight attraction to him, maybe because of lack of choice elsewhere at work, and also because he had one of those extroverted, outgoing, lovable/funny personalities (well so it seemed at first). About December time we all went out for work drinks and me and him spent the whole night talking and I ended up initiating a kiss with him and so then we spent the rest of the night either making out or talking (we were both quite drunk).

From then forward he would text me all the time, like to the point where it got a bit too overbearing, he wanted to be going places with me all the time, inviting me to family events, inviting me to go to places which were gonna be months in advance, even saying what he was gonna get me as a late Christmas and birthday present (my bday is near xmas time). My friends had a theory it may of been because he is not the most attractive of guys, and (without sounding bigheaded atall I am just going by other people's words) I was someone who would be considered "way out of his league" that he was trying to hold onto me and not lose me because he never thought I would be interested in him.

We did meet up a couple of times but I found the constant need to be with me a bit too much and I texted him saying I'm not really looking for a relationship (cause honestly I wasn't, and his moving too fast were already red flag hints that he could be the clingy needy type that thought he could 'buy my love' as such, with gifts and all that) and I said how I just want things to be casual, I basically said to him I like you as a person but I'm not the sort of person to do the whole meeting up, going on dates etc. (btw we are both 21, I still had no sexual experience at this point nore had I ever had an official relationship, and genuinely all I was looking for with him was someone to have something casual with, and gain sexual experience) and I just said don't put all your eggs in my basket because I don't think I am ready to be anyone's girlfriend.

Anyway he was apparently fine with that so we continued to meet up, went round his house quite a few times and erm... did... stuff (didn't go all the way though) and a few weeks after he asked me whether he would consider going out with him yet, and I said does that mean a relationship, to which he said yes, to which I said to him in the nicest way possible, I really don't know if I'm ready for that yet, and I said to him I think you're looking for someone you can buy gifts for, spoil, introduce to your family and I just don't think that's me so if you wanna stop this now and be friends then I am more than happy to do so. He, again, said he was fine to continue as it was.

Anyway we went out late January time again with all our work lot, and I was cautious about people from work seeing 'us' because I don't like people to gossip and it can sometimes cause problems at work, so I was quite standoffish with him most of the night. Annnnyway later that night I caught him kissing another girl from work. That upset me, but I was confused as to whether I had a right to be angry because I did say to him we weren't official or any of that. So he spent the week apologizing but I just said to him I need time, because I was confused as it hurt me a lot more than I thought something like that would (this was mainly because I think it made me realize maybe I liked him more than before). After a week of him apologizing, me and him began talking again and carrying on as before, I said to him I had forgiven him simply because I was the one who had said we weren't 'together' but had we been 'together' I wouldn't of even considered it because I don't condole cheating.

So we did continue meeting up, texting all of that, to which he also asked again 'what are we' and I said, I would love to give things a go but I still have this doubt - with the kiss being thrown in there I had lost trust even though I was confused as to whether the kiss could be a foreshadowing of potential cheating, or whether it was just a meaningless kiss because me and him weren't an item so he thought he had 'freedom'. It was just the way he spent the week apologizing as though he had cheated on me or something, as though all the times I had said we aren't 'going out' hadn't suck in his head and he actually felt like we were, and so when he kissed her he felt like he had cheated and got caught, which is why he spent all that time apologizing to me. So again, we weren't official.

ANYWAYYY, this is where Claire comes into the story. After the night I saw him kissing the other girl from work, lets call her Kerry, I seemed to notice his attention was slightly shifting towards Claire (this girl is someone very similar to me, a lot of people compare our personalities and say we look quite similar). It felt to me like he had got bored of pursuing me and all the times I called him out in his flirting, and potentially manipulative behaviour, and also for it being very one sided in him always initiating plans and text conversations etc. Which is fair enough, I can only blame myself because I said I didn't want to be with him properly from the beginning. But he was developing a new found fascination in Claire and I just want to make a note that she had a boyfriend at this point.

So anyway we all went out for his birthday and by this point I had agreed to come to his family birthday meal the next week (which was a big thing for me because I was usually turning down all the family events he had invited me to as I wasn't ready) but yeah so he spent the whole night talking to Claire about her 'boyfriend troubles' and I got annoyed at him for that and we ended up arguing about it that night. The next day I told him I don't think I can do this (mainly because he is quite friendly and flirtatious with every single girl at work which bugs me, mixed in with the kiss had damaged my trust in him, and watching him follow Claire around all night) I told him it's hurting me now so can we call it friends for my sake. We didn't speak for a week as I said I would prefer no contact (I had the week booked off work aswell).

Anyway after a week I realised how much I missed talking to him, even though I knew in my mind for the past month or two I just wasn't happy in his company, I never really had been he was just someone I got used to the attention and constant texting, so I said to him I had thought about it all and if he was willing to I would like to give things a proper go (which was so stupid of me because I would of been very unhappy in a relationship and I know that now for a fact; I just missed the attention). He said he had wanted that from the start but he can't be dealing with the 'one minute we are, next minute we aren't' because it does his head in, so he said he would like to just start over from the very beginning and see how things go again. I said I'm happy to do that.

So we attempted that, but I couldn't help but notice he favored Claire's attention over mine now, and it wasn't all in my head. I did try harder with him, I came out with him and his family one night, and I even initiated plans one night to see him. But I felt like he just wasn't the same now, and I began to see the manipulative, controlling traits that I always slightly knew were there but weren't as obvious before because he covered it up with his 'sweetness' and all his compliments and attention he showered me with. His attitude changed towards me, he made me feel belittled, constantly gave me guilt trips about the times I 'let him down' in the past and always said I never made any effort. So I said to him, because it was just making me feel like crap now, that I 'can't be dealing with your constant guilt trips and rude attitude towards me, I constantly feel like I'm treading on egg shells around you, and you said you wanted to start from the beginning but I haven't noticed any change on your behalf so I can't be bothered anymore'. He apologized continuously and said he will learn if I teach him. I said whatever and we kind of continued talking but I just knew it wasn't right anymore which led to our absolute final conversation where we both mutually agreed it wasn't working anymore and decided to call things off completely.

I was so torn up about it all, spent most of the weekend crying. I knew it hadn't phased him in the slightest because the next day back at work he was just following Claire around pursuing her in the exact same way he used to do to me (she has now split up with her boyfriend by the way, and it is quite obvious she likes him). It's been 2 weeks now and I am not in the slightest bit missing him, or his attention, or anything about him, because he showed signs of a controlling manipulative boyfriend who would use his money to buy a girl gifts etc. in attempt to 'buy her love' and it proved to me all those times I said I wasn't sure about a relationship, that it didn't sink in his head completely because he was so self involved that he still believed I was already 'his'. I also don't think he ever truely cared for 'me' he just liked the idea of having a 'trophy' girlfriend that he could have on his side and take with him wherever he went, and do with him whatever he wanted. I truly believe he thought I would be the submissive girl that would eventually succumb to his behavior, maybe because of my lack of sexual experience, but I don't think he predicted I would be as intuitive as I was.

So my actual main problem is, during these 2 weeks I have spent every night crying, even sometimes when at work, because I am watching him pursue Claire in the exact same way he did with him and I have no idea why it hurts... maybe cause all the attention and compliments he gave me were now all meaningless as he is being the exact same way with her. The only thing getting me by is the idea that she is '2nd best' although she did have a boyfriend at the time me and him were 'seeing eachother'. But then in the first couple of months at work I saw him pay her no attention whatsoever, even during the time he didn't know she had a boyfriend, so maybe she really is a second best choice, and because of our similarities, he believes she might be another good choice as a potentially submissive girlfriend, and he now sees those qualities don't exist in me.

I just don't know, all I really need help with is getting over having to see an exact reenactment of 'me and him' at work, with Claire playing the part of me. Because it is absolutely killing me. And I would also like some insight on your version of his behaviour and reasons for them.

And I apologize for my completely crap attempt at summarizing lol.

Thank you!

[Wakeup]

His attitude changed towards me, he made me feel belittled, constantly gave me guilt trips about the times I 'let him down' in the past and always said I never made any effort. So I said to him, because it was just making me feel like crap now, that I 'can't be dealing with your constant guilt trips and rude attitude towards me,

Yet you were expecting him (and even got disappointed and jealous when he ceased allowing you to treat him that way ) to deal with your constant guilt trips, on again/off again indecision and rude attitude?

Listen all you young guys out there. Cut out the opening post and put it somewhere where you can read it and remind yourself that women that "only want to be your friend" are not worth your effort for a relationship or even a continued interaction with when they disguise said interaction in the guise of "friendship" when all it is is a need for your attention and nothing more.

Sorry Op but you were the douche in this particular situ. Learn to let go when you aren't interested in a relationship. Also, don't be randomly stringing a guy along when you really don't want anything to do with him. Please do yourself the kindness of stepping down off your thrown as you, love, are not a princess who has to have the attention of a Knave who you don't even really want.

The only thing getting me by is the idea that she is '2nd best'

Sweet Jesus on a stick. If this thought process of yours is actually for real then please: Get over yourself and be happy that he's found a girl that actually seems to want his attention and not just "need" it.

[HeartIsAching]

Really?

Instead of communicating to him that his attentions were more than you were expecting and maybe a bit over-bearing you told him you weren't interested in a relationship and strung him along for a while... until he got tired of the head-games and started seeing someone else.

And now you're upset about it.

Try actual communications next time.

[IndiReloaded]

So my actual main problem is, during these 2 weeks I have spent every night crying, even sometimes when at work, because I am watching him pursue Claire in the exact same way he did with him and I have no idea why it hurts... maybe cause all the attention and compliments he gave me were now all meaningless as he is being the exact same way with her. The only thing getting me by is the idea that she is '2nd best' although she did have a boyfriend at the time me and him were 'seeing eachother'.

Your ego is bruised. You thought you were too good for him and now he's moved on to someone who appreciates him and you are alone. Sour grapes. You're the girl in the sk8erboi song...

Take this as a lesson to improve your communication as others have said. Become more gracious when someone shows you attention.

Growing up isn't about getting a job, a boyfriend, a mortgage and a parking space. That is simply aging. Its about becoming wise in how you interact respectfully with others. Good lesson for you for next time.

[pcmaster]

I remember you Olivia You should fck that Turkish guy back in holidays last summer when you had the chance.

loveforum.net/threads/82935-Was-he-just-after-one-thing

[OrangeSun]

Ok maybe my situation can help you. I started being friends and helping someone. Then ended up having feelings for same. They seemed interested also. But they are like you. Free spirit not wanting committment. Too worried about their status and what others think. Trusting the wrong person when I was the only one there whenthey were falling apart. the only one loyal to the end and never left. But you like having them in your in their little compartment. The first time I get a tad clingy they run the other way and I loose a friend on top of it. Broke my heart. My heart is still broken. So then you try to move on but wait the ex is now jealous you are spending time with others not you. They realize they miss you but just don't know if they are wanting to get back to gether or just not sure of anything. Sound familiar????? So playing him for you. So he likes you and of course wants to be with you and try to make it work but its awkard now because he chose you and you walked away. And even now you give him the YOYO affect. Today yes next day no. But am I to stay in limbo while you decide. I'd have been ok with I understand you are not ready to commit and prefer an open relationship. Ok fine but both sides have to work at that. Not just me? So you are going out of your way to go do your free spirit thing and when I do then you get upset about it. Because I was suppose to stay devoted and totally available for you when you wanted but in return I was to be just pleased with the left over bits of you. My case I'd have accepted one day a week out of the office I knew would be my time with you. The special time me and you could hang out and cuddle or go to the movies or just time together where I did not have to share you. The rest of the week I could care less who you hungout with which groupie you spent your day with. I would go about my business making other friends so I would not be pining away at home waiting for you. The thing is I know my love loves me but is scared shitless of it and I can do nothing. I've already did everything to assure them but some days they show they do in little things but they are still to worried about others and will sometimes go days were you are ignored. I realize its their fear. They cannot get their guts up then we will both loose. The thing is I understand you because I understand your free spirit and your fears. I see it in my loves eyes. I think that scares the hell out of them because I can read them. It is not so much your a douche like the other guy said. Its more your fears are making you loose the very thing you love but were afraid to do anything about. I hope mine comes to my senses soon also. Because you might be out of time. I know mine will soon. And I know 100 percent mine will be crying there eyes out just like you when they realize this..

[Wakeup]

"A rose by any other name is still a rose."

[olivia_xo]

Yeah I guess I deserved those first few replies. Reading my situation now it's down on paper makes me look like a complete and utter bitch that thinks she is too good for certain guys. Not the case at all. My already existing low self esteem and lack of self confidence had been brought down another notch from a previous situation I had going on with another guy for 2 years and so every time I get involved with a guy I feel like I don't have a clue how they feel, what their real intentions are, and what to trust. I believe that is down to me and my personal issues, and now looking back at this situation in the OP, it does indeed appear I strung him along. However, in my head my intentions were never to do so. But I should have been stronger and let him go on the first hurdle, rather than allowing things to carry on.

I am absolutely so glad I posted this story with the exact way it went down, and without missing parts out to make me look like the better person, because I know I truly did bring this situation on myself. I have had a long hard think since these replies and I honestly, genuinely now want him to be happy with this girl. It won't make it any easier for me to see them together at work but I now have to think about it in a way that's like, well, I know I couldn't ever of made him happy because I have too much to work on in regards to myself to ever be able to appreciate or love someone else yet. It tears me up because I know I have a long way to go until I can actually be happy myself, but I shouldn't try and sabotage other people's long term happiness just to give myself a small dose of short term happiness.

Ok maybe my situation can help you. I started being friends and helping someone. Then ended up having feelings for same. They seemed interested also. But they are like you. Free spirit not wanting committment. Too worried about their status and what others think. Trusting the wrong person when I was the only one there whenthey were falling apart. the only one loyal to the end and never left. But you like having them in your in their little compartment. The first time I get a tad clingy they run the other way and I loose a friend on top of it. Broke my heart. My heart is still broken. So then you try to move on but wait the ex is now jealous you are spending time with others not you. They realize they miss you but just don't know if they are wanting to get back to gether or just not sure of anything. Sound familiar????? So playing him for you. So he likes you and of course wants to be with you and try to make it work but its awkard now because he chose you and you walked away. And even now you give him the YOYO affect. Today yes next day no. But am I to stay in limbo while you decide. I'd have been ok with I understand you are not ready to commit and prefer an open relationship. Ok fine but both sides have to work at that. Not just me? So you are going out of your way to go do your free spirit thing and when I do then you get upset about it. Because I was suppose to stay devoted and totally available for you when you wanted but in return I was to be just pleased with the left over bits of you. My case I'd have accepted one day a week out of the office I knew would be my time with you. The special time me and you could hang out and cuddle or go to the movies or just time together where I did not have to share you. The rest of the week I could care less who you hungout with which groupie you spent your day with. I would go about my business making other friends so I would not be pining away at home waiting for you. The thing is I know my love loves me but is scared shitless of it and I can do nothing. I've already did everything to assure them but some days they show they do in little things but they are still to worried about others and will sometimes go days were you are ignored. I realize its their fear. They cannot get their guts up then we will both loose. The thing is I understand you because I understand your free spirit and your fears. I see it in my loves eyes. I think that scares the hell out of them because I can read them. It is not so much your a douche like the other guy said. Its more your fears are making you loose the very thing you love but were afraid to do anything about. I hope mine comes to my senses soon also. Because you might be out of time. I know mine will soon. And I know 100 percent mine will be crying there eyes out just like you when they realize this..

I can see a lot of similarities in this story to mine, but the difference is, it wasn't that I liked having him in 'my little compartment', well maybe in a sense it was, but it was also me having so much self doubt and being unsure of how genuine his feelings were. It was so much so fast that I just couldn't believe someone could feel all of that in such a short space of time, and I also still don't truly believe he did.

It also sounds a little different because it sounds to me like the girl your referring to is completely in control, whereas I didn't fully feel that way. He had had relationships, and sexual partners in the past - I had had neither. There were times when I really did want to meet up and see him but I was too scared to ask in fear of rejection, which is ridiculous seeing as he was always so eager to want to see me. I don't know why but I could just never fully believe the things he said to me, and that combined with me not being sure he was someone I was properly attracted to were probably the reasons why I've ended up in this mess.

But as previous posters have said, I will learn from this. I will also learn to never string someone along again, and be careful with the next guy.

[Wakeup]

Yeah I guess I deserved those first few replies. Reading my situation now it's down on paper makes me look like a complete and utter bitch that thinks she is too good for certain guys. Not the case at all. My already existing low self esteem and lack of self confidence had been brought down another notch from a previous situation I had going on with another guy for 2 years and so every time I get involved with a guy I feel like I don't have a clue how they feel, what their real intentions are, and what to trust. I believe that is down to me and my personal issues, and now looking back at this situation in the OP, it does indeed appear I strung him along. However, in my head my intentions were never to do so. But I should have been stronger and let him go on the first hurdle, rather than allowing things to carry on.

I am absolutely so glad I posted this story with the exact way it went down, and without missing parts out to make me look like the better person, because I know I truly did bring this situation on myself. I have had a long hard think since these replies and I honestly, genuinely now want him to be happy with this girl. It won't make it any easier for me to see them together at work but I now have to think about it in a way that's like, well, I know I couldn't ever of made him happy because I have too much to work on in regards to myself to ever be able to appreciate or love someone else yet. It tears me up because I know I have a long way to go until I can actually be happy myself, but I shouldn't try and sabotage other people's long term happiness just to give myself a small dose of short term happiness.

Awesome bout of self-awareness, Olivia.

This can only be a good thing for you going forward and leaving behind your past baggage. Well done!

[pcmaster]

Its gona be okay Olivia. You can analyze yourself and see faults from your side. So thats all you need to work on them and eventualy become happy person. You just need nice and expierienced guy who will take these babysteps with you, cause its understandable you are afraid from unknown and its harder to let it go for the first time. Connect socialy then emotionaly and then maybe sexualy. No pressure, guy have to be someone you like and with who you feel good.

[IndiReloaded]

Awesome bout of self-awareness, Olivia.

This can only be a good thing for you going forward and leaving behind your past baggage. Well done!

I agree ..

[HeartIsAching]

I agree ..

Now that's weird.

[IndiReloaded]

LOL HIA. Its no secret I'd hesitate to put her in charge of beach maintenance in Iceland, but in this case she happens to be right.