Is he really trying? Is there a chance?

[nonamewoman]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and I have been searching for a forum where I can write my current situation and hopefully receive insights/advice from you guys. I am glad I found this forum. I am sorry this is going to be long.

I have known this guy (B) for almost 2 years. I met him on an online dating site, almost 2 years ago, met 3 times and we really liked each other. However, at the time, soon after we met, I had decided to temporarily move to another country to care for my terminally ill grandma. We stopped talking to each other for half a year and one day, he emailed me and asked how I was doing. We started communicating again, I told him I have decided to move back to the US since my grandma has passed and I had lost the reason for why I moved. He suggested that I should live with him and we could try as a couple, it took a while for me to accept. I know I still like him very much but I was afraid that this may not work out and that he may think I was using him but in the end, I thought, I really want to give this a try.

We lived together for 6 months, the first 4 months was tough, he was very very sweet to me and very caring. I was very afraid that he may think I was taking advantage of him by living at his place. I suggested that he allows me to pay part of the bills or anything, just so I would feel like I am his equal but he would refuse. I was still very sad with my grandma's death and I was also very stressed with looking for a job, 'rebuild' my life here again and being very careful with everything I say/do, so that he would not think I was using him. I did not share with him my worries because I didn't want to burden him with my problems, I wanted him to just like me for who I am and not because he thinks I am a 'project' for him. I didn't realize because of my worries I began to come across as cold. Valentine's Day, I didn't spend it with him, I was upset that he had to travel the very next day and I reacted poorly.

That weekend, he came back and told me he didn't think I love him and he no longer wants this relationship. I asked him to give it another chance and see where it would go because I do love him. He agreed to give it another try but I had to move out, he said 'we live together and that this is maybe by default, if you move out, then we will realize we really want to be with each other.' I was hurt, I felt unwanted because he asked me to leave. I wanted it so badly to be my decision or at least a joint decision because I know I wouldn't feel unwanted. That thought and feeling stuck with me. It took me 2 months to finally move out, but during those 2 months we would have really good times and arguments every other week. I told him to please be patient with me, allow me the time to work on my feelings of not feeling wanted by him while I make the transition of moving out. We had another argument last Friday, he returned home from his trip Sunday and he broke up with me again, told me to give him back his keys and leave (I had already moved everything to my new place). He said with each argument, he is finding it harder and harder to see a happy ending. He said we are not meant to be a couple and it just doesn't work and that Valentine's Day broke something in him. I pleaded with him to give this relationship a chance especially since now that I have my own place, we can now really be in a relationship like normal couples and not the way we started (because I had thought for sometime we started out too fast). I told him if we had formed a strong bond prior to my moving in, I would feel more comfortable sharing with 'my hard times' instead of pushing him away so I would deal with them on my own. I explained to him now I have finished all the transitions, I can focus on us and give us a chance to really get to know one another. He said he already knows me very well the past few months, I tried my best to tell him to also take the situation into consideration. I just asked that he give this a try to until the end of this month and see where it goes with us living separately.

Sunday night he said he didn't want to try at all because it is just a waste of time and we would just have more fights, after a long talk he finally agreed he would try his best. We have been seeing each other everyday since Sunday night, we had lunch, dinner and he visited my place to help me set things up. We made plans for next Tuesday. He started out not wanting to hold my hand, giving me small kisses on my face, not saying love you back when I told him I love him to now, reaching out to hold my hand when we walk, giving me kisses on my lips, and telling me 'I love you too' and finally last night he said 'I love you' without my saying anything (but he has also said he loves me but doesn't think I am right for him). He still doesn't want to be intimate with me, he said he is not feeling it (I do really want him to be intimate with me, I believe that would bond us closer, but now I feel undesirable as well).

I am afraid I may have already lost him for good. Is he really trying or he is trying because I asked him to? Is there any hope? If I show him love and that he is special to me and avoid all arguments but just really share good times with each other, will he come back to me?

[Potion9]

If you have to keep convincing a guy to keep giving you a chance to love him... something is up. He is not worth your time.
If you avoid all arguments by not saying how you feel about things (to avoid arguments) then you are not being yourself and I don't see how that could last very long.
The not wanting to be intimate with you is mostly because of the breakups and the convincing him to give you another try. I wouldn't rush or worry about that part at all but think about why does he need so much convincing? and why does it sound like YOU are the one that wants the relationship to work and last and he is just there..... because you are forcing him to be there.
Spend some time apart may be the best solution. Although that can also be more avoiding the real issues that are going on with him.you. The arguments etc.

[hugblue]

Let go of him.
He is not worth it.

[Pope Matthew]

Yeah, living long term with someone like that owuld be a fiasco