GF's past with a pedophile??

[dave4472]

Been lurking for a while but never posted before. Dealing with a partners past seems to be a common topic on here but my case is a little different.

Met this great girl, we're both divorced, been together a few months. During the early stages she told me about a prisoner buddy, her "best friend" as she called him. But she also told me she was now distancing herself from him and no longer wished to keep their friendship going. It had been going on for about 6 years, she'd write to this guy, send him money, go to visit him every few months. She became his outside contact and dealt with a lot of his legal stuff and generally gave him help and support. During a lot of this time she was still married and admitted at one point she did fall in love with him and shared some passionate kisses during her visits, and some passionate letters, but realized she could never have a future with him. I didn't ask too many questions as sounded like it was in the past, and she was in a very unhappy marriage and I guess she was looking for attention.

But a couple of months later I discovered that he was in jail for molesting his own daughters! My girlfriend has two young daughters of her own and it shocked me to the core. Why the hell would she want to get involved with a pedophile in the first place?! She always seems very sensible and level headed to me, very intelligent, the girl I know would never do something so stupid. She told me she was going through a very bad time in her marriage, husband neglecting her, feeling totally unloved and unwanted. She says she now realizes it was a mistake, that she was a different person back then...but still, she spent 6 years having a close friendship with this piece of scum and never came to that conclusion before?

It still bugged me but I tried to forget it and move on but recently she let it slip about yet another prisoner buddy from her past....I think she was trying to keep it quiet from me.....and yet again it was another sex offender! To her credit she did then sit down and tell me the whole story. This guy did 18 years for 1st degree sexual assault against a teenager...basically a rapist. He got out of jail and she met him through her church, they became friends and a few months later she had sex with him willingly....she was still married at this time and had a two year old daughter at home.....Shortly afterwards they lost contact but a couple of years later the guy ends up back in prison for another sexual assault. So she decides to reconnect with him and they start writing and I saw some of her emails....she was telling him that what happened was not a mistake and that she can't wait for him to get back out. This was only a few months before I met her.

Again she told me it was because of her bad marriage and she deeply regrets it now. But she didn't seem too regretful in her emails to him, anything but. She told me that she was in a very bad place, she told me I'd never be able to relate what she was going through....at the time she was 300lbs....her husband didn't want to touch her so she was grateful for any male attention she could get. She also told me about two other guys she cheated with, one of whom was someone she'd meet up with in her lunch break for some mutual masturbation in the car and not much else.

I feel totally disgusted with her. Yeah it was in the past and it's never a good idea to dwell on that, but it doesn't feel like I know her anymore. To cheat with a convicted pedophile while her own toddler daughter is home with her hubby.....that just disgusts me. She assures me that she has ended all contact with all these guys and I do believe her. So am I being too harsh here, should I just forget and move on? One sex offender was difficult to deal with, but two? Can people really change that quickly from being so stupid and reckless to being so smart and level headed?

[chinagirl]

Ditch the girl and move on... You can do better than her. Have yourself tested also for STD's. You never know.

[KingZ]

Can people really change that quickly from being so stupid and reckless to being so smart and level headed?

No, they absolutely cannot.

[nico88]

No offense dude, but this chick sounds like she has some deep psychological problems. I'd have to agree with chinagirl and ditch her. I'm sure you can find someone who doesn't need to see a psychiatrist on a regular basis..

[michelle23]

There are a number of issues here.

1: she has very low self esteem so instead of leaving a man she was unhappy with-she cheated on him with at least four people. How do you know she wont do the same thing to you if your relationship hits a rough patch. No matter how unhappy she was-she always had other choices. She could have went to marriage counselling, to the gym, a diet or left him. Honestly if I was 300lbs, I wouldnt be surprised if my bf wouldnt touch me..

2: she hasnt dealt with all the issues in her marriage or learned from those mistakes which makes it more likely that she will carry this negative behavior into your relationship and repeat old patterns

3: I honestly dont know what to say about the sex offenders/child molester. That is just shocking and disturbing. She has two kids herself which makes it even worse.

4: this woman has too much baggage and she does need a lot of therapy. You cant fix her and its not your job to.

There are too many red flags here and my advice is to leave her. Sure you can say "its in the past so dont hold it against her" but past behavior is usually a clear indication of future behavior

[Valixy]

There are some cases of strange women who decide to stand by their rapist partners through trials. One can't help getting the impression that they are also sick somehow for doing that. I don't think that your girlfriend's case is much different. As a woman and a mother she proved not to care about the abuse and sufference of those young girls who'll face a trauma for the rest of their lives, when she had two daughters herself, and this is very hard to understand, unless she seriously lacks good judgement, morals and empathy, because any mentally healthy woman would instantly reject rapists and child molesters. It's almost like an unconditional reflex. Apparently they are very despised and hated in prisons too.

[dave4472]

No she's never addressed them, just blames it all on a very low point in her life, says she wasn't herself.....a low point which lasted for 6 years! I'm done with her. Thanks for the advice everyone, I've always believed that you shouldn't put too much emphasis on your partners past but something like this was far too extreme/weird/unnnatural to ignore.

[Wakeup]

I have a feeling she may have been molested herself as a child and this is how the pain of that abuse is manifesting. Red, red flags. I think she needs some extensive therapy to find out why she would stay in a "very bad" marriage and have children with that man only to cheat on him and befriend the dregs of society. Something is missing in her and you'd be a fool to stick around and be the one that finds out what it is.

I'm assuming she has never had therapy for her need to stay in a hell union and cheat rather then leave... am I correct in assuming she has never addressed her own demons?

[michelle23]

Well done OP and best of luck to you.