Yesterday my life changed. My financee (engaged for 5 months, together for 4 years) told me she wanted a “break” and packed up her things to stay with a friend for a while.
I'm shocked, confused, heartbroken, and upset.
This year has not been an easy year for us: we're both in school full time, I work full time and she works part-time. Finances were a frequent issue as we adapted to 2 people living off the salary of 1.5 people, however we've adapted and have been doing better. Our wedding planning was coming along well: we've hired a planner, picked the venue and photographer, given our deposits, and so on. With our busy lives, we stopped communicating and stopped making time to BE a couple. If she was done school or work at 7pm she'd come home, we'd have dinner, watch some TV, and go to bed.
We were having a busy year but it was about to be over and I thought things would get better: she graduates next month, I graduate in August. After that we'll both have stable, full time careers, and be able to work on spending more time together. Or so I thought.
We just went on vacation three weeks ago to visit with family. It was a great time to get away and relax. I always feel we connect better and have a really great time when we're on vacation, away from the stressful deadlines of work and school.
I thought this would get better after our graduations and that we could work on everything. Her complaints were a variety of issues about her and I. On the one hand, she complained that our relationship had lost its spark, which I agree with, and was both of our faults. She said she wasn't feeling sexually attracted to me and had to try to have sex. However, she also blamed herself and her career: she has dreams about travelling the world, seeing the sights, and maybe even changing cities for work. So do I, and I thought we would do those things together.
One comment that caught me off caught was that she felt the relationship was actually “too stable.” She swung from an abusive boyfriend who wouldn't let her have a driver's licence and destroyed her SIN card to me, who helped her get her licence and SIN card immediately. She swung from regular drug use (usually with and because of that boyfriend) to someone who said “no, you're not going to do that with me.” In the 4 years we've been together we've grown so much as individuals and as a couple, with new friends, family, qualifications, jobs, and education. She said she felt she was holding he back and couldn't take an interest in what I like doing, but she also said she felt I was holding her back by being too stable. I thought we would make decisions together about what's best for the both of us, but I guess she feels that doing so is limiting her freedom.
Both of us come from previously abusive relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends as well as parents. Neither of us are perfect, but where I saw the opportunity for us to grow and learn together, I guess she saw that she was overwhelmed and needed to take a break.
We're planning on getting married, buying a house, and maybe having kids in the future. To me, this is only the start of our relationship – the tough times while we get our degrees and jobs to be able to finance and support our future dreams. However, to her she feels this is too fast and too much like settling down.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for this woman. Part of me feels like this is the usual jitters that every couple gets before getting married: the questions running through their heads about whether they REALLY want to go through with the marriage, and after a few weeks she'll be back home and we can work on things. However, another part of me thinks that was the end, and that the next time I'll hear from her will be to gather the rest of her things and divide the property and money we have. Right now she says she wants at least 6 weeks to reflect on herself to decide which path is the best option. I would really like to get into counselling either during that 6 weeks (while we live apart) or immediately after (assuming we're back living together).
Any help or advice you can offer is great. This is a call for help from anyone who's interested, but I would really also appreciate a female's perspective to understand what's going on. What is the purpose of this break? Is this is test to see if I come chasing after her? Or to see if I try to woo her back into falling in love?