Couple split up over stress

[Confused8]

Yesterday my life changed. My financee (engaged for 5 months, together for 4 years) told me she wanted a “break” and packed up her things to stay with a friend for a while.

I'm shocked, confused, heartbroken, and upset.

This year has not been an easy year for us: we're both in school full time, I work full time and she works part-time. Finances were a frequent issue as we adapted to 2 people living off the salary of 1.5 people, however we've adapted and have been doing better. Our wedding planning was coming along well: we've hired a planner, picked the venue and photographer, given our deposits, and so on. With our busy lives, we stopped communicating and stopped making time to BE a couple. If she was done school or work at 7pm she'd come home, we'd have dinner, watch some TV, and go to bed.

We were having a busy year but it was about to be over and I thought things would get better: she graduates next month, I graduate in August. After that we'll both have stable, full time careers, and be able to work on spending more time together. Or so I thought.

We just went on vacation three weeks ago to visit with family. It was a great time to get away and relax. I always feel we connect better and have a really great time when we're on vacation, away from the stressful deadlines of work and school.

I thought this would get better after our graduations and that we could work on everything. Her complaints were a variety of issues about her and I. On the one hand, she complained that our relationship had lost its spark, which I agree with, and was both of our faults. She said she wasn't feeling sexually attracted to me and had to try to have sex. However, she also blamed herself and her career: she has dreams about travelling the world, seeing the sights, and maybe even changing cities for work. So do I, and I thought we would do those things together.

One comment that caught me off caught was that she felt the relationship was actually “too stable.” She swung from an abusive boyfriend who wouldn't let her have a driver's licence and destroyed her SIN card to me, who helped her get her licence and SIN card immediately. She swung from regular drug use (usually with and because of that boyfriend) to someone who said “no, you're not going to do that with me.” In the 4 years we've been together we've grown so much as individuals and as a couple, with new friends, family, qualifications, jobs, and education. She said she felt she was holding he back and couldn't take an interest in what I like doing, but she also said she felt I was holding her back by being too stable. I thought we would make decisions together about what's best for the both of us, but I guess she feels that doing so is limiting her freedom.

Both of us come from previously abusive relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends as well as parents. Neither of us are perfect, but where I saw the opportunity for us to grow and learn together, I guess she saw that she was overwhelmed and needed to take a break.

We're planning on getting married, buying a house, and maybe having kids in the future. To me, this is only the start of our relationship – the tough times while we get our degrees and jobs to be able to finance and support our future dreams. However, to her she feels this is too fast and too much like settling down.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for this woman. Part of me feels like this is the usual jitters that every couple gets before getting married: the questions running through their heads about whether they REALLY want to go through with the marriage, and after a few weeks she'll be back home and we can work on things. However, another part of me thinks that was the end, and that the next time I'll hear from her will be to gather the rest of her things and divide the property and money we have. Right now she says she wants at least 6 weeks to reflect on herself to decide which path is the best option. I would really like to get into counselling either during that 6 weeks (while we live apart) or immediately after (assuming we're back living together).

Any help or advice you can offer is great. This is a call for help from anyone who's interested, but I would really also appreciate a female's perspective to understand what's going on. What is the purpose of this break? Is this is test to see if I come chasing after her? Or to see if I try to woo her back into falling in love?

[smackie9]

tbh the space is to imagine life without you. So let her have it, she will feel the emptiness. If you beg or chase, you give her all the control.

She is realizing real life has become routine, and she fears with marriage and careers she's going to be stuck in a rut....fair enough, things look that way now, but that can be changed. To cure it would be to start stepping out of your comfort zone, do things you have never done before, have spontaneous adventures. For things to last for the long haul, you both have to bring new things, or interests into the relationship simple as that. Hopefully she will be ready to tell you her expectations, and what changes need to be done. Keep positive.

[michelle23]

Most people in your shoes do everything they are not supposed to. Beg, plead, send gifts etc, when that doesnt work they try no contact only to cave in and text a week later etc

You need to cut her off. Ignore her. If she contacts you at all for any reason-tell her you only want to talk if she wants to work things out-no other reason..

And if she calls or texts you drunk-ignore her

This may be over for good and you may need to accept that so start distancing yourself emotionally and be prepared for it. If she runs back-dont just welcome her with open arms and fall into bed-be very firm and frank with her and tell her if she ever puts you through this again-she wont get a second chance again..

Oh and get couples counselling if she comes back coz I would be terrified of marrying someone whose not a million % sure..

[rest77]

Given her "ALL" the time she needs without even contacting her would do you a great favor.

Just a thought, If you probably start dating and seeing other girls at moment while she is reflecting, i bet she would immediately put her 6 weeks "Reflection" on hold and start a "Panic reflection".

[Confused8]

Well, she came back this evening to gather a few more things. She's clear this is a break up (not a break), and that at the end of the 6 weeks she's pretty sure her feelings will be unchanged and that she'll be back to get the rest of her things and discuss dividing our property. However, that felt like a bluff since there's no way a person can make such a decision in only 4 days and declare that they won't be changing their mind in 6 weeks time.

She said it came down to her being able to "find herself," finish school, and see where she wants to go from there. She kept saying she was holding me back, which feels like the inverse of her saying she thought I was holding her back. I was very happy with her, and every time I thought of our future it was our future (not just mine). She's going to be in an industry where she *could* have the opportunity to work elsewhere (so am I), but we were both willing to discuss our options and make a decision.

I will be pursuing counselling for myself, but I'd really like her to be there at least for some of the sessions (either before or after the 6 weeks) so that she can express how she's feeling and (hopefully) so the counselor can bridge the gaps in our understandings.

Does anyone have any knowledge or experience in doing this and whether it worked well?

[michelle23]

She could have been feeling this way for ages but only told you 4days ago. Dont ask her for counselling. Go yourself and try to heal constructively. It sounds like shes made her decision and unfortunately nothing you do or say will change that. If she comes back, its got to be her decision and its easier for both of you if you just accept it now and let her go.

I know its not easy and your very hurt but trying to change her mind will just make her lose respect for you. My ex begged, pleaded, cried, text me once a month for a year, wouldnt give up and it turned me off him more tbh. Hold onto your pride if nothing else and look after you.

Sorry theres nothing reassuring I can say. I dont want to give you false hope. She may get lonely or bored and come back temporarily so dont cave in if she does. Stay strong and say no. Dont let her back in just so she can hurt you all over again.

[Confused8]

I met with a counselor today who was very helpful in answering many of my questions, and sorry guys, but I trust her advice over those saying "meh, it's done, don't speak to her and move on."

Her suggestion was to NOT stop contact, and to actually keep in contact. That doesn't mean text her or call her 40 times a day, but it means checking in to see how she's doing and reminding her that I'm still here.

Her other suggestions were to try to get to counselling as soon as possible; don't let this "let's wait 6 weeks before doing anything" kick in because it could be a way of distancing over that period rather than actually working on it. Speak to her honestly and frankly. Tell her how I'm feeling. If she resists or remains non-committed to attending just one counselling session, try to appeal to her empathy and ask how she would feel if she was just dumped one evening without any warning or answer. Let her know that she's in control.

So that's where we are right now. I will post an update when one is available. Feedback is always welcome...

[basilandthyme]

If you're OK with handing someone the control of your life, go for it.

[Confused8]

If you're OK with handing someone the control of your life, go for it.

That "someone" being the counsellor, or financee?

[chinagirl]

You know confused8, I hate to tell you this but some counsellors are smart, some not as bright and some are as crazy as the people they are counselling. I don't think that your counsellor falls on the category of "smart".

You have to be careful in choosing them and following what they have to say. Bottom line is, you have to respect the decision of you GF who wants a break from you. You cannot force yourself to be on someone's life if that person is not willing.

Give her the time she needs, maybe by losing you, she will realize that she actually loves you. Give her her 6 weeks, then revisit your relationship with her after.

And by the way, if she really loves you, that LOVE will not dissipate in 6 weeks... so NO need to rush her or you'll just end up pissing her off.

Oh, and get a second opinion from another counsellor.

[basilandthyme]

That "someone" being the counsellor, or financee?

Your (ex?) fiance. If there's one sure method to feeling out of control in your life, it's to hand the reigns over to someone else.

If you're happy with being in limbo, then sure...do as the counsellor suggests. But if you feel that this state of limbo will do your head in, then you need to set some firm boundaries with your fiance.

[Confused8]

Well, I'm doing my best to not contact her. It's been a week since I last saw her (last Sunday). On Friday I put out a feeler to see what her reaction was to us getting together for some coffee sometime, and she said sure, she would let me know.

It's crazy tough waiting for her response, not knowing whether it's going to be tonight, tomorrow, or in 2 weeks. Especially with the fireworks tonight, I'd really like to invite her out just to see them then head home - no drama, spontaneous, maybe chat a bit - I *think* starting small with a mini-get together like that would be good, but I'm heeding others' advice in not contacting her or inviting her out.

[Confused8]

We haven't texted for a week and seen each other in 2 weeks. I never did go out or do anything with her during Victoria Day like I wanted to (see above).

She texted me today about some financial things and said she needs to come get some clothing and look for some school paperwork. She wants to come after work tomorrow. Since she'll be over, I want to take this chance to sit down and talk with her for a bit, whether that means going for coffee, just talking on the couch, or going for dinner somewhere.

For what it's worth, I haven't responded to her saying she wants to come over. I want wait and respond later so she knows I'm not responding within a second of her texting me, so *maybe* that will play into the no contact "questions" she'll get in her head like has been suggested.

So how can I bring up that we should take the evening to talk? Should it be some sort of 'invite' to a date or just a suggestion that she can take or leave? I want it to be stress free, but end in asking her to come to counselling.

[smackie9]

Soooooooo what did she say?

[Confused8]

Soooooooo what did she say?

First I offered to sit down with her and talk for a bit, whether that meant coffee or dinner or drinks or whatever (I left it up to her). She asked what we needed to talk about: if she had already been living away from home for the past 3 weeks, "what could change in the next 3 weeks?" was her question. She asked if we couldn't make communications work while we were living together, how could they have changed in the past 3 weeks? I acknowledged our communications sucked, but that these were the sort of discussions we should be having in person, not via text (part of our communications problems).

She didn't say anything for about 5 hours, until when it was time for her to come over she said she was too busy and would come another time.

My goal is still to talk to her in person to ask that she come to at least one counselling session. If that means she comes "for me" or "for her" or "for us" is up to her, but I'd like to get her there at least once so we can figure out where we stand.