How to handle drug use, smoking, and habits

[Confused8]

As I wrote in my other post, my fiancee and I are currently on the rocks over stress and losing the spark.

Over the past 2 weeks I've had a million questions and a million potential answers about what happened, where this came from, and how it can be fixed.

Like I wrote earlier, part of the breakdown (I think) was that I set absolute boundaries on her drug use (marijuana). I never told her she couldn't smoke (cigarettes), but I was also to the point in saying that she should quit eventually. (And she did, for over 15 months, until our break up.)

How does someone work at setting boundaries without falling into a parent-child relationship? Should I say she's free to do what she wants, or is there a middle ground we could both live with?

[surfhb]

What do you want? Thats what important. If she cant fulfill those wants then you shouldn't be marrying her

[Wakeup]

As I wrote in my other post, my fiancee and I are currently on the rocks over stress and losing the spark.

Over the past 2 weeks I've had a million questions and a million potential answers about what happened, where this came from, and how it can be fixed.

Like I wrote earlier, part of the breakdown (I think) was that I set absolute boundaries on her drug use (marijuana). I never told her she couldn't smoke (cigarettes), but I was also to the point in saying that she should quit eventually. (And she did, for over 15 months, until our break up.)

How does someone work at setting boundaries without falling into a parent-child relationship? Should I say she's free to do what she wants, or is there a middle ground we could both live with?

Its not your job to set HER boundaries. Its your own boundaries you should set and if she crosses them and keeps crossing them then YOU have a decision to make that intails leaving her.

For instance: Your boundary to her that she has to quit smoking is control. The boundary there should have been that you don't like people who do drugs so you're not going to date someone who does. To date her was you having a weak boundary that you crossed and you settled.

Its not your job to parent. Your only job is to try and find someone that also has your same personal boundaries and then you'll know you're compatible with who you're with instead of trying to change who you are with to be who you'd like them to be.

Now if you mean you gave her an ultimatum then that is your prerogative but it is not hers to oblige your rule as she has the right to choose the drug or you when you force her to make a decision.

[basilandthyme]

In your last post, you said that she'd left. Has she now come back to you and is agreeing to try and work on things?

[Confused8]

In your last post, you said that she'd left. Has she now come back to you and is agreeing to try and work on things?

I said she asked for a break/break-up/a look at where things are at the end of June.

Like I said, I've had millions of questions running through my mind, and one of them was whether her feeling "restricted" or "controlled" by not being allowed to make her own decisions was one of the reasons for her attitude.

[Wakeup]

This is what you said in your other thread (which I just finished reading)

Well, she came back this evening to gather a few more things. She's clear this is a break up (not a break), and that at the end of the 6 weeks she's pretty sure her feelings will be unchanged and that she'll be back to get the rest of her things and discuss dividing our property.

Now considering that you're now telling Basil that this is a break and not a break up I understand why you're councellor would tell you to keep in contact with her if you told him/her it was just a break. I just couldn't understand why your therapist would say to keep in contact when she's broken up with you.

Like I said, I've had millions of questions running through my mind, and one of them was whether her feeling "restricted" or "controlled" by not being allowed to make her own decisions was one of the reasons for her attitude. .

Probably but only she can really answer that for sure.

- - - Updated - - -

I'm sorry you're going through an "uncoupling" (that seems to be the latest BS that celebrities are using these days) but it seems to make sense with you so I'll use it. The thing here is you are incompatible and you want her to change to be the girl that would be your ideal. She's smokes, she does drugs "not with you she won't." Well she's not like you and you can ask her to stop those things (even suggest therapy to help her to deal with the cravings even) but if she doesn't want to stop doing them then she needs to find someone who also does them and they can enjoy together. You, well you'd do well to find someone that doesn't smoke and wouldn't dream of doing dope.

Maybe she'll change her mind about reconciling but that would mean she's willing to rehab from her addictions and do so because she wants to. Or: Because you accept her addictions and you'll be fine living with them. Anything less and you'll just break up again in the near future when one of you or the other can no longer ignore the resentment.

The thing to remember is that you were fine before she came into your life and you'll be fine, in time when/if she leaves it ~

[Confused8]

Now considering that you're now telling Basil that this is a break and not a break up I understand why you're councellor would tell you to keep in contact with her if you told him/her it was just a break. I just couldn't understand why your therapist would say to keep in contact when she's broken up with you.

I told my counsellor the same as what I've said here: at first it was a break, then she was "pretty sure" it was a break up but wanted to see where she was at the end of June. She said we're not "together" yet Facebook statuses remain as engaged.

Point being that she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. She (from her words) wants to live with her friend, finish school, have time to herself, and see where her life is at the end of June. "Confused" or "complicated" is probably the best way to put it, because she's not sure of a total break up but also doesn't want to be in a relationship.

[HeartIsAching]

As I wrote in my other post, my fiancee and I are currently on the rocks over stress and losing the spark.

Over the past 2 weeks I've had a million questions and a million potential answers about what happened, where this came from, and how it can be fixed.

Like I wrote earlier, part of the breakdown (I think) was that I set absolute boundaries on her drug use (marijuana). I never told her she couldn't smoke (cigarettes), but I was also to the point in saying that she should quit eventually. (And she did, for over 15 months, until our break up.)

How does someone work at setting boundaries without falling into a parent-child relationship? Should I say she's free to do what she wants, or is there a middle ground we could both live with?

Boundaries are about what you can stand, and what can affect you, and most importantly what you can control - YOU. Whether you like her smoking or marijuana use, it isn't your choice to make. What IS your choice to make about that is whether she does it in a mutually-occupied home. Telling her she should quit eventually is insulting; she's not an idiot, she knows that. Duh. By telling her that, you effectively told her that you think she's too stupid to come to that conclusion on her own. It's also what led you to try and control other aspects of her life.

Don't go trying to change someone after you've met them - controlling others usually backfires. Try instead selecting someone that doesn't do the things you dislike, or learn to live with them if you're sufficiently attracted to them. Relationships based on control are a recipe for disaster. Instead, partnership and equality should be the goal.

[Wakeup]

I told my counsellor the same as what I've said here: at first it was a break, then she was "pretty sure" it was a break up but wanted to see where she was at the end of June. She said we're not "together" yet Facebook statuses remain as engaged.

Point being that she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. She (from her words) wants to live with her friend, finish school, have time to herself, and see where her life is at the end of June. "Confused" or "complicated" is probably the best way to put it, because she's not sure of a total break up but also doesn't want to be in a relationship.

I understand. I think your therapist is going on the fact that its a break rather then a break up (as are you) but from where i'm sitting, and where I think she's coming from its a break up.

Right now, she knows you're waiting for HER to decide YOUR romantic fate so she has no motivation whatsoever to reconcile with you. You're a sure thing no matter. It's your call if you want to give her that opportunity but psychologically speaking she's quite calm and unworried because she holds all the aces.

Here's what makes logical sense: Someone who doesn't know what they want makes for a very poor partner. Someone who does things that are crossing your personal boundaries means you're with someone you're not compatible with which also means you're with a poor lifemate.

If she hasn't quit smoking weed then you'd be doing yourself a dis-service by reconciling. Keep in mind that now she is also smoking cigarettes again which you also don't like.

[chinagirl]

Agree with HIA... A guy friend of mine used to smoke a lot (like over a pack of cigarettes/day), and the wife hates smoking. To compromise, he didn't do it when the wife was around or did it somewhere else. Of course, he eventually quit because he always knew that smoking was bad for his health.

[Confused8]

If she hasn't quit smoking weed then you'd be doing yourself a dis-service by reconciling. Keep in mind that now she is also smoking cigarettes again which you also don't like.

She quit smoking marijuana and using drugs for the entire time we were together. The odd hypothetical question would come up like "if I was offered it at party..." or "if I did it after work would you want me to tell you?" She hasn't said she's done it in the past 2 weeks, but maybe clarifying where I stand on that better would help her.

With smoking, she quit for 15 months. She said she started smoking again a week/a few days before our break/breakup and so I assume she's continuing with that even as we're separated.